Aftertaste
by OMGitsOTH
Summary: Haley James and Riley Scott have been best friends forever. But when Riley's rude and obnoxious cousin Nathan moves in with her indefinitely, their friendship is put to the test...along with Haley's ability to rise above temptation.
1. Collide

I've already finished this story so I should be updating regularly. It's on a couple of other boards but I thought I'd post it for those who missed it. Reviews are greatly appreciated. 

Z

**Chapter One**

_Collide_

Nathan Scott is not the kind of guy you take home to meet your parents. He's not the kind of guy who gives you a goodnight kiss after walking you up to your front door and parting ways for the evening. He's not even the kind of guy who takes you out on a proper date. And he's most definitely not the kind of guy you fall in love with.

That's probably why none of it made sense.

Of course nothing made sense when it came to Nathan…how was it possible to hate someone so much but have this unconditional love for them at the same time? At first…it was only hate; it began with this undying need to strangle him and somehow…it turned into an undying need to be held in his arms or to taste those lips that made me moan embarrassingly out loud. He was luscious, yes and for a while, I thought that was what kept bringing me back…but that wasn't it at all, it was so much more…it was something that even I was unaware of for so long.

It began one night when I was at my best friend Riley's house. Despite the fact that we had been opposites our whole life, Riley Scott had been my best friend since the day she gave me a piece of bubble gum in the second grade.

I was a sucker for some good bubble gum…truth be told, I still am.

Anyway, she offered me a piece of gum and Stacy Goldberg snatched it from me immediately, causing tears to well up in my eyes. Riley was there in a matter of seconds, grabbing the gum out of Stacy's hands and knocking her to the floor.

And let me tell you, it was a damn good punch.

After a serious time out received by our teacher, I approached her and gave her my best thank you smile, resulting in an indefinite friendship that would get me through some pretty difficult times in my life. I never had any brothers or sisters, or even a strong adult figure to look up to or someone to stand up for me, but that was what I got from Riley that day in second grade. She taught me how to be a fighter.

And I was strong because of her.

But apparently not strong enough to endure the pain of falling in love. That was something, which she hadn't taught me…something that I would have to learn for myself, from _him _of course.

I didn't know who he was until the summer day he stomped irritably into Riley's room with a glare that stopped me from speaking immediately. Riley had _so_ _conveniently _forgotten to mention that her cousin Nathan would be living with her for the foreseeable future. So imagine my surprise, when the tall, dark and of course handsome Nathan Scott opened the door and yelled in an ill-tempered voice that our music was "_too damn loud"_. He looked like he had just woken up from a nap, but it didn't stop him from looking stunningly attractive and it didn't stop me from staring shamelessly. He didn't seem to care that we hadn't been introduced, or for that matter that I was even present. Instead, he just growled at Riley and she simply shrugged and hopped off the bed where we had been reading trashy magazines, turning down the music a full notch. _"Happy?" _I heard her say.

He growled in what appeared to be…ehem, appreciation and then left, slamming the door behind him.

I gave Riley a confused look but she just rolled her eyes. "That's my cousin Nathan. He got here this morning. Don't mind him…he's kind of an ass." I had no idea how I could have missed him when I ran up the stairs to her room but apparently, as she later informed me, he didn't leave his room much anyway.

"What's he doing here?" I asked curiously, still staring at the spot where he had previously been in the doorway. I was not only infatuated by his looks, but also completely confused as to how someone could be so rude and cold.

I later learned that would never be quite clear.

She shrugged, unfazed, still peeling through Seventeen Magazine and staring at the picture of Orlando Bloom. "I heard my mom talking to my Grandma last night about him being kicked out of school a month before he finished his junior year or something. My aunt thinks that sending him away will for a while help him shape up. She's kind of a dumbass."

I laughed lightly and then turned back to my magazine. "Have you ever met him before?"

"Yea, I see him at Christmas every year and on the occasional Thanksgiving dinner…sometimes New Years. Haven't I told you about him? Remember the kid who I caught having sex in the garage New Years Eve…and then on my aunt's birthday with the waitress in the girls' bathroom at Denny's?" She asked nonchalantly.

"No way! That's the kid?" I asked, looking back over to the spot where he had entered the room, bewildered. "He's gonna live with you? You _hate_ him." I laughed. Riley had told me about Nathan and his various _sluts_ and I always cursed him in front of her, thinking what a total pig he was. I couldn't believe that I had finally met him…or seen him.

Whatever; same difference.

She shook her head and shot me a warning glance. "I don't hate anyone, Haley." She said firmly. Riley was a strict believer in giving people chances. She was very non judgmental in her late teens, something that I most definitely was.

But hey, I'm working on it.

I dropped the subject immediately. "So what's for dinner, Ry? I could eat a cow…" I said dramatically, rolling off the bed.

She flipped onto her back and pulled herself up off the bed. "Let's go see what we have downstairs…my mom is out on a date tonight so…"

I clapped my hands together, giddily. "No way! You're mom such a hoe!" I laughed and Riley threw the nearest pillow at me. The two of us shared the same laugh and it was often hard to tell them apart. My dad used to tell us it was annoying…hence the reason we laughed even louder when we were around him.

Riley linked arms with me and the two of us climbed down the stairs, marching directly towards the kitchen. She opened up the refrigerator and frowned in disgust. "Dude, we have no food and I'm broke…"

I raised my eyebrow as she looked at me. "If you promise never to call me _dude _again, I'll pay for some pizza. Sound like a deal?"

She laughed and grabbed the twenty-dollar bill out of my hand. "Sure thing, dude."

I glared at her and tried to hide my teasing grin. "Bitch."

She mocked me. "Hoe."

I pretended to drop my jaw in offense and then launched myself at her as the two of us pretended to wrestle, giggling like mad. We were, however…interrupted.

"Ooo…cat fight," said a masculine voice from behind me. I turned around to find Nathan leaning against the doorframe, his hands folded across his chest and an annoying smirk revealing his perfect white teeth. After watching the two of us stare at him blankly, with a look of amusement on his face, he stalked to the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of water, taking a gulp. "Is there going to be any scratching involved?"

I couldn't gain the composure to speak, so I instead looked to Riley for help. She just rolled her eyes. "You trying to start something, Nathan?"

He didn't answer; he was looking me up and down and studying my features as I fidgeted unnervingly. "Stop." I whispered, but not loud enough for anyone to hear.

He laughed when he noticed how uncomfortable I was. "Aw," he mocked "…am I making you uncomfortable?" He was still eyeing me up and down and I could feel his glance stop right below my neck and at my boobs.

I huffed with annoyance. "You really _are _a jackass." I grumbled.

This just caused him to laugh even more and before I could launch myself forward at him and smack him silly, Riley grabbed my arm to hold me back. She knew me too well and she knew that I was very close to snapping. "We're ordering pizza. You want anything?" She asked, still holding my arm.

He rolled his eyes, fully aware that Riley was holding me back. "Sure…I'll have whatever." He turned back around and made his way up the stairs after giving me a seductive and taunting wink.

Oh, how annoyed I was.

I found myself complaining about him constantly to Riley as we waited for the pizza to arrive and I could tell that even she was getting annoyed with my bitterness. She jumped up immediately when she heard the doorbell ring and as she ran to the door I heard footsteps behind me. I turned instantly and came face to face with Nathan and his beautiful blue eyes.

Ok, so he may be the most infuriating person ever, but he _did _have beautiful eyes.

"You're Riley's friend?" He asked nonchalantly and it was almost as if he didn't really care but was more just trying to break the silence. Why he would want to, was beyond me.

I bit my lip and stared back at him. "Haley." I was almost sure that I hadn't blinked since I had turned around to face him, there was something intoxicating about his presence and I feared that it would cause a problem in later meetings.

He turned away and nodded. "I'm guessing you know who I am…" he laughed.

"I've heard stories…" I said, clearing my throat and moving farther away from him…my feet were sensible enough to keep me away from him but my brain was pulling me closer.

He laughed. "Don't believe everything you hear, now."

I rolled my eyes. "So what…I'm guessing that the waitress at your Aunt's Birthday tricked you into sleeping with her in the girls bathroom."

He got that triumphant smirk on his face, slapping himself on the back for his conquest. Oh, how it disgusted me so. "Oh well…that one was true…"

"Of course it was." I scoffed in his direction and got up to walk away, finding Riley still at the door, bargaining with the pizza man. I tried to contain my laughter as she flirted shamelessly. It was a good five minutes before she closed the door again. "Any change?" I asked as we walked back to where we had just left.

She gave me a devious grin. "Maybe…" she teased and then after I glared at her she threw the five dollar bill in my face, rolling her eyes. "Some people are so touchy."

When we made our way back over to where I had just left Nathan was nowhere in sight. I scratched my head nervously and Riley simply threw the pizza box on the table and dug in. When I laughed at her, she just shot me a death glare. "What?" She asked.

I just rolled my eyes and laughed. "I'm going to go wash my hands…" I had been raised with good manners my whole life and it was something that I couldn't escape from, even if I tried. I had to wash my hands before every meal or I'd feel dirty…it was like a weird OCD.

I made my way to the bathroom and the door was half opened so I didn't knock, though I realized later that I probably should have because Nathan was beginning to pull down his pants, already shirtless, obviously about to step in the shower. Why he was taking a shower in the downstairs bathroom, I had no idea. My hands flew to my mouth and my body tensed up as I turned and ran out of the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I could only hear the sound of his laugh as I stood outside the bathroom door, leaning against the wall, completely flustered.

It couldn't have been more than ten seconds before he opened the door, with only a towel tugging at his hips. "Can I help you with something?" He smirked.

My hand touched my pink cheeks and I tried desperately not to let my glance fall on to the towel. My body tensed once more. "I just have to…" I couldn't remember why I had come in the first place "…um…" I was a complete mess "…wash my hands."

He opened the door wide and walked back into the bathroom. When I didn't follow him, which apparently I was supposed to do, he turned around and cocked his head inside the bathroom, indicating for me to come in. My eyes widened and I knew that I shouldn't follow him but my feet carried me in and I couldn't stop them. "Close the door behind you? Will ya?" I heard the shower turn on as I lathered my hands with soap and looked up at my reflection in the mirror. I could see the back of his head and his upper back in them mirror behind me but it wasn't until I heard the towel drop to the floor that I realized he was now naked.

Did that just happen? 

I stiffened up. How could it be possible that he had the nerve to stand in front of me completely naked? Ok, so maybe I couldn't exactly _see _him…but he was literally inches away with absolutely nothing to cover him. Without thinking, I turned around but then quickly turned back to face myself in the mirror. I gave my reflection an anxious look as I heard him laugh behind me. "Nervous _Haley_?" I bit my lower lip as he caught my glance in the mirror.

"No." I squeaked. "I gotta go."

He laughed. "What? You don't want to join me?" Something about the tone made me realize that he was serious and I got even more anxious than I already was.

"Um…no…" my voice cracked "…I really should get back to Riley. See you later." I scurried from the bathroom and back to Riley who just looked at me with curiosity and asked if I was okay. I simply shrugged it off and tried to get the picture of his exposed body out of my head.

It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be.


	2. Shiver

Chapter Two 

_Shiver_

I heard him close the door to the bathroom and his footsteps reach the top of the stairs, but that was the last I heard of him for a good two hours. As terrible as it was, I didn't pay much attention to anything that Riley was saying because my mind kept slipping, wandering aimlessly…well, I guess not _so _aimlessly. I couldn't help but let my eyes keep making their way to the door where I hoped he would soon appear.

Of course, he didn't.

It didn't make sense; how I could be so repulsed by someone yet so infatuated by them at the same time. And that's what Nathan did to me in only the few hours that I had known him. He already had my head spinning. It wasn't until Riley started laughing that I realized I had completely zoned out on him. "You okay?" She asked with a smirk on her face, knowing she had just caught me. "Please tell me you're not fantasizing about Brad Pitt again…"

Ok, first of all what the hell is wrong with fantasizing about Brad Pitt? I am only human. 

I laughed nervously. If only that was what I was fantasizing about…but no, I was fantasizing about her jacka ss of a cousin upstairs. The one who she had told me countless stories about in which he had ended up making a complete a ss of himself. The one who had only an hour ago, completely stripped down in front of me with no shame at all.

Unfortunately there's something attractive about that kind of confidence.

So yea, I had been looking forward to coming face to face with him again, but I had no idea that I would be taking a shower the next time he appeared. I practically lived at Riley's house and her mom was usually out so I never had to worry about anyone other than Riley coming into the bathroom. Which is why I unconsciously didn't think to lock the door behind me.

You would think that he wouldn't have come in, since the shower was running noisily…but well, let's just say no one really knows what goes through Nathan Scott's mind. He just came in and started brushing his teeth, completely unfazed that I was behind the curtain with absolutely no clothes on.

I heard the bathroom door open, but I assumed it was Riley. Imagine my surprise and complete mortification when I peeked my head out and Nathan was standing right in front of the sink. He turned around when he saw me in the mirror and smirked seductively.

He knew his affect on this world; me in particular.

"Um…hello?" I asked, somewhat rudely, though I suppose it came out more as a nervous stuttering. "Do you mind? I'm kind of taking a shower in here…if you didn't notice."

He shrugged. "We're all adults. Nothing I haven't seen before."

_Of course that's his answer._

My eyes widened. I couldn't believe how casual he was being about this when my heart was beating a mile a minute. "I beg your pardon but I'm not as comfortable with my body as you are…could you please excuse me?"

He didn't say anything. Instead, he just turned back to the mirror and watched me through the reflection, brushing his teeth. Apparently my nervousness meant nothing to him; just like the rest of my emotions. He was going to do what he wanted to do, and there was nothing anyone could do to stop him.

Later, I learned this was a major problem.

"What are you doing?" I snapped in disbelief, my eyebrows raised.

"I'm brushing my teeth." He said innocently with a mouthful of toothpaste, shrugging. "What does it look like I'm doing?"

I rolled my eyes, knowing that I couldn't win this battle, not with Nathan as my opponent. I simply just went back to my shower and continued putting conditioner in my locks of hair, praying silently that he would leave. I was not ready to expose myself to Nathan; I wasn't ready to expose myself to anyone for that matter.

Nathan especially.

I turned off the shower but I could still hear the sink running so I realized he was still there. I poked my head out of the shower and watched him for a second. "Ok, well if you're not going to leave…will you at least hand me a towel?"

Not that I wanted him to see me in a towel. I just knew that it was either that or stay hidden behind the curtain until he leaves which has the possibility of being…well, _never!_

He obeyed and I stepped out, only half covered. He checked me out slyly in that way that only Nathan can do without making it creepy and then turned back to the mirror, spitting the toothpaste in the sink.

_Wow. Now, that's attractive._

He put the toothbrush back in his mouth and then turned to me, with a mock annoyed expression. "Do you mind? I'm trying to brush my teeth here," he said, the toothbrush swaying back and forth as he talked.

I stared at him in disbelief.

Did he really just say that? 

He laughed at my confused expression. "I'm just kidding…don't look so tense. I won't bite…" he paused, spit out the remainder of toothpaste in his mouth and then rinsed "…unless, that is, you want me to." He smirked, moving closer and closer as he looked me directly in the eye.

I knew what his intentions were…I wasn't that stupid.

I scoffed and ducked out of his eyesight, moving to the other side of the bathroom, where I now realized I had no escape. "You are _unbelievable._" I stressed the word in an annoying tone as I glared as rudely as I could. But a petite brunette like me is not so intimidating…especially to someone like Nathan.

He nodded casually but I could see the smile tugging at his lips. "So I hear."

I felt my legs weaken as he backed me up against the wall, his arms trapping me completely. Our lips were inches apart and I felt that at any moment I would just give in. I knew I shouldn't. I knew who he was, he was the kind of guy who f ucks you and then f ucks you over.

And that just isn't enough for me.

"No." I whispered, our eyes locked. It wasn't a very convincing 'no' but a 'no' nonetheless.

He smirked even wider as his hands reached around my waist and I felt his palm slide to my ss. This is when I became aware that I was only wearing a towel. I tightened it around my body as his hands roamed around me. There was nothing more I wanted to do than give in, he was hot and I was infatuated, but I knew I couldn't.

Not now, not ever.

"Shh…" he whispered, tucking a lock of my wet hair behind my ear "…don't be scared, _Haley_."

And that's when his lips were on mine, my mouth parting to let his tongue roam. I had been kissed before, but not like this, not with such passion, not with these butterflies in my stomach. His hands slid up the bottom of my towel and I felt his smooth touch linger at my thighs. "I can't do this." I whispered in his ear, pulling away. It wasn't so convincing, even for me. I _wanted _to do this.I just knew that I couldn't.

Of course, I did anyway.

He shook his head and placed his hand on my flustered cheek, leaning in once more to touch my lips. I didn't protest, I reciprocated it. Now his hands were in uncharted territory and I was letting him suck at my neck while I breathed heavily. He wrapped my legs around his waist and the wall behind me held up my back. He pulled away for a second softly and looked me in my eyes; waiting for me to say 'no' even though he knew I wouldn't.

I moaned as he brought my hand to unzip his pants, while he left a trail of kisses down to my chest. When I felt his pants unzip, that was when I freaked.

"Sh!t." I shouted, my chest moving up and down in a fast past. I was breathing heavily. "I can't do this." This time, it was more convincing.

I pushed him away but he came back, smiling seductively. "Come on, Haley." He tried to convince me, his hand cupped around my neck with those big hands of his.

"I can't." I said forcefully, tightening my towel around my body and pushing him with my free arm. "You're…" my eyes darted around the room, looking for the right word "…you. I have to go."

He rolled his eyes as I darted out of the bathroom and into Riley's room. There she sat, completely oblivious that her dear friend had almost lost her virginity to her man-whore of a cousin. I tried to smile convincingly but she saw right through it as she looked up from filing her nails. "You okay?" She asked, her brow furrowing. Riley always knew when something was wrong and sometimes it bugged the hell out of me because I couldn't get away with anything. "You look flustered."

I sighed, trying to act as indifferent as possible. "Nathan was just being a jerk." I said, leaving out the part where he had come on to me and taken me willingly. It wasn't exactly a lie, but it was withholding the truth.

But she didn't need to know that, right? 

"Oh don't worry about him." She said, handing me a pair of boxer shorts and a tank top from her dresser. "He'll get over himself sooner or later…just be happy you're not the one who has to live with him indefinitely."

"So he's staying longer than the summer?" I asked, secretly planning ways of avoiding him.

She shrugged. "My mom told my Grandma that he is going to be going to school with us next year so I'm guessing he's here until college."

_Ok, so avoiding him wouldn't be as easy as I thought._

"That sucks." I said truthfully, changing into the clothes she gave me and hopping onto the side of the bed that she wasn't occupying. She fell asleep almost immediately but I on the other hand was having a little bit more trouble. I couldn't help but let my mind wander to his touch and the way his lips felt on mine…but I tried desperately to forget, knowing that it didn't mean a thing to him…he did that kind of thing all the time…except for the girl saying 'no' part.

Riley had always slept like a baby, and I had always had trouble so it wasn't the first time that I slipped out of bed in the middle of the night and headed down to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. But it was, however, the first time that there was someone else down there.

Go figure…it was Nathan.

When I reached the doorway, I stopped and watched him dig through the refrigerator. He didn't even seem to notice my presence until I cleared my throat. That's when he looked up and rolled his eyes. "Come back for more?" It wasn't seductive or anything, it was just flat out cold and I winced.

I sighed. "Look, I'm sorry about that it was just…too fast…I guess." I wasn't so sure of myself. And it was true, that had been the main reason I pulled away but there had been other reasons too.

He didn't seem to care as he sat down at the counter and took a gulp of water. "Yea, I guess I should've known you small town girls wouldn't put out."

I gasped. "Excuse me?" I couldn't believe he had just said that to me.

He rolled his eyes again. "Look…whatever. I know your whole speech…'sex is a big deal for girls' blah blah blah and I'm sure that was the first time you've even come close to that kind of thing, so…"

I folded my arms across my chest and glared at him, moving closer to where he was sitting. "First of all, sex _is _a big deal to me and second of all. How do _you _know I'm a virgin? You don't even know me."

He laughed. "Oh please. You're as virgin as they come."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I spat. He was trying to get a rise out of me and I probably should've seen all this coming but I took the bait.

"You were so goddamn uncomfortable back there it wasn't even funny." He had that triumphant smirk that I had already grown accustomed to and already hated with a passion.

"Well maybe it's just you…" I challenged "…maybe you just make me uncomfortable."

He took another gulp of his water. "Why would I make you uncomfortable?" He laughed.

_Oops. _

I gulped.

"Well…" I stuttered "…excuse me for having a problem with people I've just met checking me out when I'm in the shower and undressing themselves in front of me without me asking them to."

He got up from his stool and made his way closer to me. "What? It's nothing you hadn't seen before…right?" He was taunting me and I didn't like it one bit. I immediately turned and walked the other way, leaving him behind me with one of those annoying triumphant smirks.

_God, I wanted him._

Riley and I left early the next morning because we had dance rehearsal at ten. We had both been dancing since we became friends and although I admit Riley is way better than me, we've always been in the same class. Riley was always the dancer and I was always the singer. I would choreograph things for her to dance and she would write music for me to sing.

We pretty much did everything together.

That's why it was hard to avoid going over to her house for the next couple of days. It wasn't that I didn't want to see her…or for that matter see Nathan…but it was because I was scared to death that I would let something with him go farther than it should.

So I was taking a complete risk when I went over to her house on Wednesday night, hoping she would be there. She wasn't…but guess who was.

He looked completely unfazed by my presence as he opened the door to greet me and instead of saying, 'hi' or something like that, instead he said this, "We don't need any Girl Scout Cookies…thanks anyways." And then he slammed the door in my face before I could utter a single word.

_How rude._

I rang the doorbell again furiously, waiting with a look of annoyance plastered on my face. When he opened the door, he just scratched his head unenthusiastically. "You again?"

I pushed my way inside the house, pushing him to the side in the process and made my way up the stairs to Riley's room. When she wasn't there, I stomped back down to find him in the living room watching television. "Where is Riley?" I demanded.

He pouted. "Oh, and all this time I thought you were here to see me."

I gave my most impressive "hmph!" and made my way over to him, turning off the TV with his remote and throwing it to the other side of the room. "Where is Riley?" I asked again.

He smirked. "Oo, feisty…sure you don't want to give it another go?"

"Where's is Riley?" I asked through clenched teeth, trying my hardest not to scratch his eyes out. I wished Riley was here to hold me back but she wasn't so I had to control myself.

"She went shopping with Aunt Liz. Is there something I can do for you?" He said in a fake cheerful voice. "I mean…besides the obvious, gorgeous."

I sighed irritably. "Is there some reason why you feel like annoying the hell out of me, I mean there are a hundred pretty girls in this town…why don't you go bother them?"

He smirked. "Oh, but _Haley_…" he said innocently "…I want to bother _you_." He then started laughing and stood up, retreating to his room. I followed him, yelling the whole entire way and he just simply shrugged or laughed. He was sure as hell getting entertainment out of all of this.

I didn't even realize that we had reached his room, or that I was in fact inside it, I was too busy trying to scold him for all the things he had done to me. He didn't seem to care.

"Do you sing?" He asked abruptly, in the middle of my yelling.

I stopped and looked at him curiously. "Excuse me?"

"Do you sing?" He asked simply. "Riley said you sing."

"Yea. So?" I asked, still not sure of his intentions. He didn't respond, but instead made his way to the other side of the room where he picked up his guitar and handed it to me.

"Sing." He commanded.

My eyes widened. "Are you kidding me? I don't sing for anyone."

"Well…sing for me." He said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. He grabbed my hand and pulled me to sit on his bed with the guitar. He walked over to the doorway and stood there, leaning against the wall, just watching me.

I looked at him curiously, unsure of what he was trying to pull. First he was being straight up rude to me and now he wanted me to sing for him. But that wasn't even the weirdest part…the weirdest part was that I _did _sing for him.

_If I had the chance love_

_I would not hesitate_

_To tell you all the things I've never said before_

_Don't tell me it's too late_

_Cause I've relied on my illusion_

_To keep me warm at night_

_And I've denied in my capacity to love_

_But I am willing to give up this fight_

I only sang the first verse before I looked up to see him watching me. He didn't say anything, but I could tell by the way he was watching that he was intrigued. He pulled the guitar out of my hand softly and brought it back over to where it came from.

That's when he sat on the bed next to me and I turned to watch him. I couldn't help but feel those butterflies in my stomach again and I tried my best to hold myself back, but I couldn't.

He was too damn tempting.


	3. Save Me

Chapter Three 

_Save Me_

If Riley hadn't come home, I probably would have ended up loosing my virginity to Nathan that night, but she did and I didn't, _thank god!_ My clothes were almost off completely when I heard her yell up the stairs to Nathan and it made the two of us fall onto the floor abruptly. If it weren't so goddamn embarrassing, it probably would have been hilarious.

But it was embarrassing and it _wasn't_ hilarious.

I scrambled around the room, trying to find the various clothes that he had tossed onto the floor and if I hadn't been so panicked I probably would have gotten them quicker. He however, didn't seem too flustered; he just lay back on the bed, with his hands behind his head and watched as I scurried around the room completely topless. "F uck." I cursed under my breath as I scrambled to find my bra. Finally giving up; I just put on my T Shirt, braless.

"I'll keep it as a souvenir." He winked and I just rolled my eyes at him as I began to walk out the door.

Riley had just reached the top of the stairs, breathless, when she saw me. I tried to act casual but I was failing miserably. "Hey." She said hesitantly. "What are you doing here?" And then she hit the top of her head with her palm. "Oh sh!t, I totally forgot that we were hanging out tonight. My bad babe." In her guilt, she didn't realize that my boobs were sagging down in my T-Shirt or that my hair was messed up or even that I was breathing heavily.

I sighed in relief.

"Where's Nathan?" She asked nonchalantly. "I thought he was gonna be home tonight."

"I…I haven't seen him." I lied. I was such a bad liar but she was way too preoccupied on something else so she didn't notice. I hated lying to Riley, but I feared she would be disappointed in me and that was the last thing I wanted.

She nodded. "So, what do you want to do tonight? Up for watching 'Risky Business'?"

I laughed. "Again? Sure. Why not?" I was beginning to calm down and acting like myself when I heard the door open behind me and his familiar footsteps come towards us. By now, he was fully dressed but his hair was disheveled in that 'Nathan' way and I tried to regain my composure at the sight of him.

"Hey Nathan." Riley smiled and I gave her a confused look. Only a few days ago had she hated his guts. Apparently they learned to get a long in the last three days, and based on the fact that she had told her that I sing, I guessed maybe they had been talking about me. As my relationship with Nathan got confusing as hell, she seemed to being getting along with him quite nicely. "You want to watch 'Risky Business' with us?"

I gulped and turned around to face him. He looked back at me with a devious seductive grin. "If it's okay with Haley."

I rolled my eyes as Riley spoke. "Why wouldn't it be okay with Haley? Come on losers…let's go make some popcorn and get this party started." She woo-hooed down the stairs and Nathan and I walked side by side behind her. He looked at me and flashed a knowing grin…he knew how damn uncomfortable I was and he seemed to get some kind of sick amusement out of it.

If his face weren't so pretty, I'd smack him.

_This coming from the girl who moments ago nearly slept with him._

Riley popped in the movie and the three of us sat on the couch, me in the middle, of course. As soon as the opening credits started, Riley mentioned something about getting popcorn and began to get up but I pulled at her sleeve. "But you're going to miss the beginning." I told her. The truth was, I was afraid that if she left me with Nathan I would give into temptation.

We all know how that would turn out.

She eyed me curiously. "I've seen this like a thousand times, Hales. Besides…I'm starving." Without waiting for another protest, she leaped out of my hold and made her way into kitchen, leaving me alone with Nathan.

Oh joy.

He looked like he was watching the movie intently, but I wasn't, I was shifting in my seat nervously. "Are you going to be a senior next year?" I asked, realizing for the first time that I didn't know anything about this boy that I had almost slept with, I didn't even know his age for Gods sake.

He turned to me suddenly and laughed. "Yeah. Why so curious?"

I shrugged. "Just figured I should know at least something about you, I mean…we did almost…" I trailed off, looking back anxiously at the kitchen.

He raised his eyebrow. "We almost what?" He played dumb.

"You know…" I couldn't bring myself to say it. And it didn't help that he didn't say anything, he just watched me, waiting for me to say it. His eyebrow was still raised and I could see the smirk tugging at his lips as he pretended to look dumbfounded. "You know…we almost…" my voice lowered to a whisper "…had sex."

"That was you?"

"I don't even know why I tried." I snapped, folding my arms across my chest and pretending to find sudden interest in the TV Screen. I wasn't even laughing at my favorite parts I was so upset.

He laughed beside me and put his hand on my leg. "I'm just kidding…" he said and I immediately tensed at his touch, holding my breath and biting my lip until he removed it "…so what do you want to know about me then?"

I let the breath of air out and leaned back against the couch. "I don't know…forget I asked."

He stretched his arm out and I felt it brush against my back as it rested on the back of the couch. "Well, you know one thing about me…"

"What's that?"

"That I'm dead sexy," he said and I couldn't tell if he was serious or not so I didn't say anything, I just waited until I heard him laugh. "Wow…no sense of humor, I see."

I rolled my eyes. "You know what…forget I mentioned it." I was starting to feel like an idiot and his annoying banter wasn't helping at all. I just sat there and stared at the screen, waiting for Riley to return with popcorn to throw at him.

After a moment of silence, he finally spoke. "I'm afraid of clowns." He told me suddenly.

I turned to face him and our eyes locked. "What?" I asked, laughing lightly.

"You wanted to know something about me…I'm telling you…I'm afraid of clowns." He was so serious that it almost confused me. Here he was, not being mean, not trying to seduce me, but instead…being honest.

"That's all your afraid of? Clowns?" I said, trying to contain my laugher.

"That's it." He shrugged. "Clowns."

"Clowns?"

"Are you going to keep repeating it?"

"There's absolutely nothing else that you're afraid of?" I asked, amused.

Again, he shrugged. "I'm not afraid of anything but…clowns." The way he said it made me want to laugh out loud hysterically. It was a side that I hadn't thought he had.

For a little longer, he didn't say anything. He just watched the movie and I watched him out of the corner of my eye, trying not to be obvious. "What are you afraid of?" He asked casually.

I turned back to face the screen, thinking hard. Before I could open my mouth to speak, Riley walked in from the kitchen and sat down on my right side. "Who wants popcorn?" She asked and I accepted willingly, keeping my mouth shut for the rest of the movie, though every once and a while sneaking glances at Nathan.

What had caused him to open up so suddenly? 

When the credits came on, Nathan stood up and left, without even saying goodnight or even saying anything for that matter. Riley didn't seem to mind, but I did…secretly of course. Riley and I just sat there on the couch for a moment, neither of us speaking…we both had completely different things on our mind and neither wanted to tell the other. After a weird silence, she mumbled something about getting some sleep and the two of us got up simultaneously, walking to her bedroom. She closed the door behind us and after we dressed in our sleeping clothes, she tucked herself under the covers next to me.

"What do you think makes girls like guys like Nathan?" She asked suddenly, after I was sure she was asleep. "I mean…he's an asshole, clearly. I guess I sort of have to like him, since he's family and all but all these girls that swoon over him when we go out…I just don't get it."

I paused. "Maybe it's just something that happens…and they can't help it."

She laughed. "Even after he makes it clear that he's the biggest jackass…ever? It doesn't make sense, Hales."

"Love doesn't make sense, I guess." I said, tucking the sheet around me tighter and turning so that my back was facing her. This conversation was not a conversation that I wanted to have…especially with Riley.

"Love?" She spat out with a laugh. "You think anyone could _love_ Nathan? What a joke. I mean…love in a family way, maybe…but that kind being because you have no choice but for it to be unconditional. Love, by choice? Please."

"Or crushes…whatever. You know what I mean."

"Yea, I guess." She said. "I mean, he's a good guy…don't get me wrong. I've gotten to know him a little in the past couple of days and he's nice to me but I see the way he treats these random skanks he brings home and I can't help but think, _why do they put themselves through this?_ You know?"

I paused for a minute, thinking maybe this was all some trick. Maybe she knew about my relationship, _or whatever_, with Nathan. Maybe she was just trying to get me to admit it all and trying to knock some sense it to me. Or maybe, it was merely a coincidence.

Who the fcuk knows?

I wanted to ask her why she had mentioned to him that I sing…I wanted to ask her why the hell they were talking about me in the first place, but I found it in my best interest to simply keep my mouth shut if I didn't want secrets to be revealed.

"Haley?" She asked, but I didn't say a word. I just sat there motionless for a moment until she thought that I was asleep. "Goodnight."

After the conversation we had the night before about how anyone could like Nathan, it came as a surprise to me that she invited him to come see a movie with us. She had been acting strange all morning after some random mysterious phone call she had gotten at ten AM and anytime I had asked her anything, she had been so in her own little world that she had ignored it completely.

I thought it better just not to ask.

Nathan seemed a little surprised too. He furrowed his brow at the question and then shrugged, saying something along the lines of him having nothing better to do. I rolled my eyes; Riley didn't even seem to notice because she said, "Great! Let's go…" in that perky voice of hers that I have always thought sounded rather fake.

Something was definitely up but I decided against prying.

Nathan took the passenger seat and I took the back, leaning my head against the window and staring at the passing houses at an angle. A majority of the ride was silent, Riley made a comment every now and then but I just simply said yes or no and whatever it was dropped in a matter of seconds.

When we got out of the car and headed into the theater, Nathan walked behind the two of us, his hands in his jean pockets. I snuck a look every now and then and found that our eyes met quickly before I looked back ahead. The tension between us was so obvious but like I said before, Riley just had other things on her mind.

She was totally oblivious.

I, however, was _not _oblivious to the obscene amount of seductive looks many of the women in the theater were giving Nathan. He didn't seem oblivious either because his smirk grew wider by the minute and when he noticed that I was taking notice, he raised his eyebrow tauntingly.

He loved to torture me.

"Haley?" A voice called from behind me and I turned to find a shaggy brown headed boy with green eyes that I used to know quite well. "Is that you?"

I smiled awkwardly. "Reed…hey. How are you?"

He shrugged. "I've been okay; you know…I decided not to go back to boarding school in the fall, so…" he paused and gave me a sort of sad smile, "I was going to call you…"

"That's okay," I said, giving him another weak smile. "I'm sure you've been busy."

He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked down at the floor. "This doesn't have to be awkward, you know…" When he looked up, our eyes met and I couldn't seem to look away, no matter how hard I was trying to. "I missed you, Haley…I did."

I sighed. "Yea, well…look, I should probably go. I guess I'll, see you around…"

He nodded. "Yea…around."

I turned to find that Riley was at the ticket counter and Nathan was in the corner with some girl who didn't look a day older than fifteen. Oh, please. She can't even get into R rated movies for Gods sake! She did, however, have huge boobs.

And now we know why Nathan is talking to her…

But he actually didn't look very interested if you ask me. When I spotted him, it seemed he had spotted me first. I turned away and stood next to Riley. She handed me my ticket and then gave me a quizzical glance. "Was that…?" she started.

"Yea…" I sighed "…Reed's back."

Reed was my boyfriend for all of the summer before junior year and then three months into it. Come January he told me he was leaving for boarding school but we were so in love, we thought we could make it work nonetheless. For three or four weeks, we talked every night on the phone. The fifth week, he stopped returning my calls. Then, a couple days later, he called to leave a message on my machine.

There was someone else.

I cried forever…seriously, I was sure that I would never get over it. But I did, or at least…I thought I did, that is until I saw him again. He looked so cute and so sorry. And he missed me!

"What happened to boarding school?" Riley asked.

I shrugged. "Your guess is as good as mine."

"So who was the preppy bastard?" Nathan asked, suddenly coming up from behind me.

"That's surely none of your business." I snapped.

"An ex boyfriend…" Riley said.

"Hey!" I exclaimed, smacking her on the shoulder.

She laughed. "I'm going to go get candy!" She announced, ducking out of my hold and making her way over to the concession stand.

"An ex boyfriend, huh?" Nathan said as we started to walk towards our movie. "Yea, I guess I could see it…he's a jock, right? And you're a cheerleader? Oh! The perfect match," he sing songed. "Was it love at first sight?"

"Don't you have an eighth grader to seduce or something?" I said, rolling my eyes.

"Oh but this is much more exciting." He mocks. "So why did you guys break up?"

"None of your business," I said through gritted teeth.

"Sore subject? Sorry." He said insincerely. "Is this the guy who you supposedly lost your virginity too?" The truth was, Reed and I had discussed it many times. I wasn't ready, and he respected that but when January came, before he told me he had to leave, I almost gave in.

Of course, now I am relieved we didn't.

"Will you stop it?" I hissed, pivoting around so that we were face to face. "Can you for once in your life not be a complete jackass?"

He raised his eyebrow. "If I'm such a jackass then why the hell do you want me so badly? Huh?"

"I don't know." I said, and then realizing my mistake, gasped. "I mean…I don't."

He laughed. "You admitted it. You want me."

"No I don't!" I said, turning around to walk into the theater which, with my luck, was completely empty.

He grabbed me by the arms and backed me up against the wall of the theater, smirking triumphantly. He stared down into my eyes. "Yes you do."

"No I don't." I whispered.

But then I kissed him.

And then came Reed.


	4. Sick Sad little World

**Chapter Four **

_Sick Sad Little World_

It's a funny thing, timing. Why does it always seem that whenever you don't want someone to be somewhere, they are always there and whenever you are wishing and hoping they'll be there, they never show up? It's like some higher being or whatever, just lives to torture us. I'm serious when I say they are getting some kind of amusement up there.

We watch the WB for entertainment, they watch us.

Okay, well…really, I don't believe in God but if I did, I'm sure I would hate him, _or her_, for putting me through all this.

Ever since Reed left, I had been waiting for him to come back. Sitting by the phone, waiting for the call to let me know he couldn't live without me. And after we broke up, I still had that little hope that he would come back.

Needless to say, he never did.

But now, when I find myself into someone else, _ehem_, Nathan, Reed has to go and show up. It's like, hey, where the hell were you a month ago when I wanted you to show up? Insert sigh here.

I'll never understand.

"Haley?" He asked, and I opened my eyes, my lips still on Nathan's. Nathan seemed to grab me tighter when he heard Reed's voice. "Haley," he said again, this time a different tone. The first time he had said my name, it reeked of disappointment. The second, he was trying to get my attention.

I pulled away from Nathan, but not without difficulty. He was holding onto me tightly and he seemed to have cared less that there was someone trying to get my attention, which is, by the way, so Nathan. "Hey…" I said awkwardly when our eyes met. It seemed that no matter how normal I tried to sound when I was around him, my voice just couldn't match what I wanted. I guess that's one thing, these two boys share in common. Nathan put his arm around my shoulder and I didn't need to look up to know that he was probably smirking shamelessly at Reed. "This is Nathan…" I said, sighing.

"Your boyfriend?" Reed asked.

I shook my head and threw Nathan's arm off of me. "No, not my boyfriend."

"Then who is he?" He asked. Both boys looked at me expectantly.

"He's no one," I said flatly, looking up to Nathan who just scoffed at me before retreating down the aisle to a seat close to the screen. He didn't seem hurt; he didn't seem offended. In some ways, I'm pretty sure that he was amused.

He sure as hell knows that I don't think of him as no one.

"So you were just kissing…no one?" Reed said with a laugh that came out much more bitter then I'm sure he intended. Reed was never one to be bitter. He's always been the sweetest guy I know. We never fought when we were together. "If he's your boyfriend, just tell me, Haley."

"Tell you? Why should I tell you? It's not like it's any of your business, anyway," I said and my voice was calmer than I had expected it to be.

"I need to know, Haley." He said.

"Why do you _need _to know?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. "It's none of your business anymore, Reed," I repeated. I knew that by now I sounded angry, but I was angry. I guess I had never quite gotten over the fact that he had broken up with me by answering machine with barely an explanation.

He sighed sadly. "I guess you're right. Look, Haley…part of the reason I came back was because of you. I missed you, a lot. And I made a mistake…I was hoping that maybe…"

"Maybe what?" I demanded.

"That maybe you would give me a second chance?"

I raised an eyebrow and stalked off to Nathan. "Second chances are a lie," I muttered under my breath before taking a seat next to Nathan in the theater. I sighed to myself. "Where the hell is Riley?"

"Riley's here," she announced before Nathan could say anything. "And she's got treats." She handed the popcorn to Nathan and handed the red vines to me in which Nathan stole in a matter of seconds. I glared in his direction. "Okay, well then I guess you get the Milk Duds, Hales." She said, putting them in my lap. Nathan took those too.

"You are such a brat," I said under my breath before taking them back out of his hands and scooting a seat over.

He laughed as Riley took the seat in between us.

"So what was up with the conversation with Reed?" Riley asked, taking out her own bag of Skittles and putting them in her hand. She handed me the purple ones and then popped the rest in her mouth.

"It was nothing," I shrugged.

"Oh it was definitely something," Nathan remarked from the side.

"We don't need any comments from the peanut gallery," I growled, opening my Milk Duds. "He was just feeding me some bullshit line about how the real reason he came back was because of me and he wants me back, blah, blah, blah. It's all a bunch of crap. Ten to one, he got kicked out."

She laughed. "Kicked out? He's like the sweetest boy ever."

I glared at her. "Sweet? Sweet? Did he not totally ditch me for some random skank?"

"Random? Are you sure she was random…I mean…"

"Not helping, Ry…"

She laughed. "I know. I really just love it when you glare at me. It's quite amusing."

"Shh! The movies starting," Nathan said, the smirk on his face not going unnoticed by either of us.

I only saw Reed once more before we left the theater, in which I smiled, again awkwardly. Nathan laughed beside me, and I didn't have to look at him to know it was me he was laughing at.

I was used to it by now.

It was quite pathetic, I admit, the way I was scared to talk to him, scared to tell him to his face how much he hurt me. I suppose I wasn't as over him as I had thought I was before I saw him again and Nathan had discovered that before me.

Riley's phone suddenly rang on the ride home. "Hello?" She paused, lowering her voice to a noticeable whisper. "Now's not a good time." I furrowed my brow. "Because," she said firmly. "Yea," she sighed. "I know, I will. Tonight…I promise." She hung up and an awkward silence filled the car.

"Who was that?" I asked, as casual as possible.

"No one," she sighed.

"What's tonight?" I tried.

"Nothing."

I gave up after that.

When we got back to Riley's house, Nathan disappeared back into his room without so much as a word. Of course, by then, I shouldn't have expected anything more. What did surprise me however was when Riley stalked up to her room as well. I watched her retreating figure and sighed, making my way into the kitchen, where I found Mrs. Scott dropping strawberries and Vanilla ice cream into the blender.

"Haley!" She exclaimed excitedly. "How are you dear?"

"I'm okay," I sighed, sitting down on the stool. "Exhausted."

"Me too," she admitted, leaning her elbows on the counter. "Why is it that my whole life, I couldn't find that one guy and now, I've found two?"

I laughed. "I know the feeling." I'd always found Mrs. Scott easy to talk to, sometimes easier than Riley, especially when she got in moods like these. Riley and I always said that Elizabeth Scott was a teenager at heart, trapped inside her mother's body.

"What do you do when you can't choose?" She asked me.

"I don't know." I admitted. "Don't you think the world would be so much easier if we did?" I thought about Reed, and I thought about Nathan. They were obviously two completely different people. Nathan and I probably would never even get a relationship started. For him it was all about sex. Shouldn't it be a no brainer?

But it isn't.

"What time is it?" She asked suddenly and I opened my cell phone to give her the time.

10: 25 P.M.

She gasped. "Oh no, I have to go. Tell Riley I'm staying at Ryan's house tonight. See you later, honey. Have this smoothie if you want it, I hate for it to go to waste." I laughed as she rushed out the door and then I poured the rest of the smoothie in the sink, cleaning the blender and placing it back in the cupboard. I was just buying time until I had to go talk to Riley.

It was a couple of minutes later that I walked up to Riley's room. I figured I had given her enough time to collect herself or figure out whatever the hell was bothering her so I knocked on the door lightly and let myself in. She was sprawled on the bed, looking straight up at the ceiling with a distant look on her face. "Hey," she said when I entered without looking up.

"Are you okay?" I asked unsurely, lying down beside her on the bed so that we were parallel. "You've been acting a little weird all day."

She nodded silently.

Usually, I can tell what's bothering her. When it's about me, she gets all snappy towards me but when it's not, she just doesn't talk at all. This time, I had no idea what was the matter. She had been acting weird lately and getting mysterious phone calls but I couldn't put any of the pieces together.

Did she know about me and Nathan?

No. She couldn't. She seemed totally oblivious to it all and I figured that if she did, she would just be telling me right off the bat that I'm being irrational. She knows that I can't be with guys like Nathan. She knows that I lose control easier than a lot of people and that it's really hard for me to stand my ground. If she knew, she would tell me.

So what's her deal?

"There's this guy," she said finally. And I was so deep in my own thoughts that it took me a while to register that she's talking to me. "He's great."

I turned my heads to face the side of hers while she's talking.

"He understands me. He's sweet, he's gentle…he listens when I talk." She says. Her voice was unemotional. She wasn't smiling or anything.

"That's great…" I said, still a little confused "…you deserve someone like that."

She cracked a little smile. "When I kiss him, there's really a spark, you know?

I nodded.

"So what's the problem?" I asked, finally unable to wait for her to say it.

She turned her head so that our faces were inches apart. "You," she whispered.

I furrowed my brow. "I don't understand."

She sighed before turning back up to face the ceiling. "It's Jesse."

Silence.

"Jesse?" I repeated.

"Don't hate me, Haley."

"Jesse?" I said again, rising to my feet. "Jesse Preston? Are you serious, Riley?" She stood up too so that we were now on opposite sides of the bed. The palm of my hand rose to my forehead and I sighed in frustration. "Do you not remember what he did?"

She closes her eyes. "That was forever ago, Haley."

"Forever ago?" I laugh bitterly. "That was three months ago, _Riley_."

I dated Jesse Preston a couple months after Reed and I broke up. I never really liked him all that much, but he was cute and I needed someone to rebound with. I hated the fact that Reed had moved on and I hadn't so I had clung to the next thing to come my way, in this case it was Jesse. He seemed like a cool guy but he wasn't. Three or four weeks into our relationship, he hooked up with a girl who was in my Trig class. They were doing it on the desk in my Spanish class when I came for second period.

I didn't have feelings for him so I didn't take it too hard, but that doesn't change the fact that he is an asshole for doing it.

"It's not that big of a deal. You didn't care, remember?"

"Just because I didn't care doesn't make it any less of an asshole thing to do! What if he did it to you, Ry? What if you walked in on him with another girl? You would be devastated. Don't do this to yourself." I said, my voice reeking of desperation.

"He would never do that to me!" She protested.

"He did it to me!" I said.

"Well you were a bitch to him," she defended.

I raised an eyebrow. "You're siding with him? Are you serious?"

She glared at me, her hand finding its way to her hip. "All I'm saying is he wouldn't have had to cheat on you if you weren't such a bitch to him all the time. You treated him like crap. Sometimes, you can be so selfish, Haley." I felt like I had been slapped, stumbling backwards involuntarily. She gasped. "Oh god, I didn't mean it, Hales. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to say that."

"Then why'd you say it?" I asked softly, turning around and walking out the door.

She didn't follow me. I couldn't believe that those words had come out of her mouth…out of Riley's mouth…the girl who I could always depend on. What do you do when the person you always run _to_ becomes the person you need to run _from_? I turned the corner and realized I had nowhere to go, my house was too far away and I didn't have my car. Sometimes making a dramatic exit is harder than you would think.

My feet carried me to Nathan's bedroom door and I stood outside for a moment, wondering if I was maybe making a wrong choice. But nonetheless, I turned the knob without knocking and walked in slowly, barely making a sound. When the light from the hallway shined into his room I heard him sit up in his bed and I spotted his figure looking directly at me. "Haley?" He asked groggily. I nodded and walked in closer, closing the door behind me. "What are you doing here?" He asked.

I felt the tears that had been tugging at my eyes roll down my cheek as I made my way over to his bed. "Can I stay here, tonight?" I whispered, trying to hide the fact that I was crying…but failing.

As I moved closer and I saw his face, I could tell he was puzzled but even so, he opened the sheet for me to slide into. I turned the opposite way that he was, so that he couldn't see my face as the tears hit my skin. I could still feel his body against mine because the bed was only a single and barely fit the two of us. I pulled at the quilt and stared off into the space in front of me. "Are you okay?" He asked.

I nodded, though I knew he couldn't see me. "I'll be fine." I managed to say. I could feel his stomach moving in and out as he breathed and I found comfort in the fact that he was beside me. "Hey Nathan?" I asked after a moment of silence.

"Yeah?"

"You remember when you asked me what I was afraid of?" I paused. "Sometimes…I'm afraid I'll end up alone."

He didn't say anything, but it didn't matter…I hadn't wanted him to say anything. Instead, I felt his arm drape around me and pull me closer, holding me as I fell asleep.


	5. Insomnia

Wow. I am so incredibly sorry for the wait. Thank you to all who replied and thank you to those who are going to stick with me on this one. It's not a matter of having the chapters written because I already do. It's just me being busy and lazy and well, I wish I had some elaborate excuse but I don't. Anyway, excuse the typos. Sadly, I haven't read over to check and see if it's readable. But I felt so terrible so I just posted nonetheless. Anyway, have fun reading. Be sure to drop a note.

Z

**Chapter Five**

_Insomnia_

Waking up the morning after a fight is always depressing. There's that good few seconds after you open your eyes in which the world, and the people in it, don't seem so bad but then slowly your mind averts back to the happenings of the night before and you grown involuntarily.

It's the worst kind of hangover.

When I woke up the next morning, Nathan wasn't lying next to me; instead he was sitting at the chair near his desk, striking some chords on the guitar softly. When I cleared my throat to indicate that I had woken up, he looked over to me and if I didn't know any better, I'd say that he smiled genuinely. But it quickly vanished in a matter of seconds and he looked back down to the guitar.

I watched him for a second discreetly, looking so peaceful. That's when it hit me. "Oh shit," I cursed "…Riley." I jumped out of his bed and scrambled to the door when his soft voice stopped me.

"She left early this morning. I told her that I took you home last night." He told me and I stared at him with disbelief.

"Why'd you do that?" I asked curiously, turning to come closer to him.

He shrugged, still not looking up to meet my glance but instead staring down at the guitar. "I don't know. I just figured you probably didn't want her to know that you slept in my bed last night. Was I wrong?"

There was almost a tad bit of disappointment in his voice as he said this but it disappeared as quickly as it came. "Thanks." I whispered.

He still didn't look up. "It's not like I've never lied before, _Haley_." He told me casually, with a hint of annoyance in his voice. I wasn't sure what I had done, but by then I had realized that was just the way that he was.

I moved over to the chair where he was sitting and fell to my knees so that I was more at his level, though I only reached the middle of his chest, if even. He looked down at me, puzzled. "No…I mean thanks for letting me stay with you last night. I didn't really have anywhere to go."

He averted his eyes. "Whatever." He muttered.

After a moment of watching him, trying to figure out why he was being so cold and distant, I gave up and rose to my feet using his knee for balance.

"What time is it?" I asked.

"A little after noon."

"Do you think you could give me a ride home?" I asked hesitantly. He was my only way of getting home if I didn't want to walk…and I didn't.

He nodded carelessly and rose to his feet, leading me to the door. I followed him out to the driveway and he cocked his head to an old BMW, telling me to get in. "That's you're car?" I asked.

He shook his head. "I stole it." I stepped back quickly, like the door handle had burnt me but he simply laughed. "I'm just kidding…calm down. I drove it hear from Charleston."

"That's where you used to live?" I asked, sitting shotgun in the car as he gripped the steering wheel and pealed out of the Scott driveway. "In Charleston?"

He didn't speak for a second and I could feel him tense up in the seat next to me. "Yea…" he said softly "…that's where I used to live…" he repeated longingly.

Trying to break the tension, I told him my address and he knew where to go without me telling him.

Feeling the need to say something, though I probably shouldn't have said anything at all, I began to talk mindlessly. "Is it true you got kicked out of your school?" I asked suddenly, not thinking clearly. I probably sounded like an idiot as I asked him this, either that or I sounded slightly scared. But at this point it didn't matter.

I just wanted to know.

He laughed as he could tell it bothered me a little. "Yep."

"Why?" I asked curiously, watching him as he drove down the street with an intense gaze at the road in front of him.

"Killed the principal." He said nonchalantly and like a gullible idiot, I gasped.

He laughed again. "God, you really do take everything seriously now don't you?"

I rolled my eyes. "Really, why'd you get kicked out?"

"Why are you so curious?" He challenged, turning to face me and raising his eyebrow mockingly.

"No reason." I sighed, looking down to my hands on my lap and trying to think of something less personal to start a conversation with…but honestly, 'how about this weather?' just sounds pathetic.

For a good five minutes, neither of us spoke. All I could think about was Riley and how she had been talking to me the night before. It wasn't like Riley at all, Riley never got out of control like that. We had always been able to talk calmly through things before but last night she had just attacked me…I guess I didn't help by adding to it.

Maybe I _am _a selfish bitch.

I guess she was speaking the truth in some ways. I mean, I didn't even like Jesse but that's not what it was about to me. If he cheated on me, what made her think he wasn't going to do the same to her? I'm just doing what I feel will protect her, and it may not seem that way in her eyes but I'm only trying to be a good best friend.

"Did you and Riley get in a fight?" He asked suddenly and I gulped, not really ready to admit it out loud. I had always been one to think that if it weren't said out loud, it wouldn't be true.

"We'll work it out." I said simply, trying more to convince myself than to convince Nathan. "We always do." These words came out shaky, as if this time it was different. I let out a breath of air that I had been holding.

"She seemed pretty upset this morning…" he told me "…and you seemed pretty upset yourself last night. I never would have expected that you would have co-"

I cut him off immediately, knowing what was coming. "Wouldn't you be upset if your best friend in the world called you a selfish bitch after hooking up with your ex boyfriend?"

"Oh the drama…" he sing-songed, clearly more amused than shocked.

"It's not funny." I snapped.

"It's a little funny…" he laughed. There was nothing more that I wanted to do than hit him at that very moment but he pulled into my driveway and put the car in park. "We're here." He announced and then turned to look at me. "Look…I think you're kind of overreacting about all this. I mean, if you guys are best friends then…"

I didn't wait for him to say anymore, I just simply started attacking him. It wasn't meant for him, it was meant for Riley, but he was there…and I couldn't control my emotions. "You know what, you have no idea what you are talking about so don't even start with me, Mr. I'll fuck whoever I want to, when I want to…God, you think you have the right to tell me I'm being dramatic? You don't even know me!" I screamed childishly. "You're so…" I huffed dramatically "…so…_infuriating_." I concluded.

"Are you done?" He smirked.

I took off my seat belt, about to exit his car when I felt his hand on my shoulder as he turned me to face him, approaching me with his lips abruptly. I hadn't seen it coming…all I knew is that in a matter of seconds, I felt the stick shift in between us dig into my thigh as I moved in closer to him, attacking him with passionate kisses. "Damn it." I cursed, rubbing my thigh.

He didn't seem to care that I was hurting, he just pulled me on top of him and before I knew it we were rolling around in his car, his hand sliding up my shirt and caressing me avidly. "Are your parents home?" He huffed in between kisses.

"Out…" I panted as his hand slid down in between the material of my pants and my skin "…of town." He moved away for only enough time to open the door, pulling me out while I desperately tried to hold myself back, fearing neighbors would see through their windows.

He pushed me up against my front door softly and I tried my best to open the door with my key, though it was somewhat difficult with his hand grabbing my ass tightly. When the door finally opened, I pulled him inside and up the stairs by his collar.

We practically fell through the door of my room. He was on top of me instantly, his hand guiding mine to the zipper of his jeans. I moaned softly, pulling him on top of me as I fell on the bed. My shirt was off in a matter of seconds, my pants half unzipped and his bare chest on top of mine. Things always moved this fast with Nathan; it's what I liked about him. I had always liked having control in my life. But there was something about the way Nathan made me feel out of control that I liked. It was just too exhilarating for me to pass up. I felt him enter me and I winced in pain…after all, it was my first time. I had always imagined my first time with Reed but it was obvious that was long out the window.

_This was it…there was nothing stopping us now._

And there wasn't anything I wanted to stop us.

That's when his cell phone went off, making that annoying sound of something vibrating against the floor.

_Except that._

At first he ignored it, but after a couple of rings he finally pulled himself off me and fell to the floor, grabbing the phone in his right hand and placing it against his ear as he lay against the foot of my bed. "Hello?" He paused. "Yea…sure…I'll be there." "No…you're not interrupting anything, don't be stupid." He said deadpan. He hung up the phone and began to walk around my room, finding his clothes and putting them back on.

"Booty call?" I snapped rudely.

He rolled his eyes but didn't respond. He just walked around the room, collecting his clothes.

"Is that it? You're just gonna leave?" I scoffed, pulling the sheet around me to cover myself. "God, I shoulda known, huh?"

He rolled his eyes again. "Look…it's not that big of a deal, okay? You weren't expecting this to be anything other than sex, were you?"

I wrinkled my forehead. "You're serious?"

"Listen, I gotta go. I have places to be…" he paused, studying my expression "…I'll show myself out." And with that, he left my room, leaving me confused and bewildered.

That was the last I saw of him that summer.

Riley and I ultimately made up after a long talk of how sorry she was and how she would never let a guy in between us again…we laughed at how wrong that sounded and eventually everything went back to normal…as I knew that it would. I knew she didn't mean what she said, and that she had just been upset and confused so I let it go.

After all, she was my best friend.

The only change in our relationship is that we mostly went to my house now. We _did _have to deal with my parents and curfew, but it was better than me having to see Nathan and be humiliated again. I just told her that I felt bad we never went to my house and made some excuse of why it would be better to be at my house anyway.

Oddly enough, she bought it and we only went to her house on occasion, after I discreetly made sure that Nathan wasn't going to be there.

We didn't talk about Nathan much, only a few times when she made some comment about how he had a different girl over every other day or that he had already made a bad crowd of friends who were always at her house, eating her food. But otherwise, I steered clear of conversation about him, hoping that Riley would never find out that I slept with him.

She would _so _not approve.

Even I didn't approve, and I smacked myself mentally every time I thought about it, which believe me was _a lot._ I tried not to…but I couldn't help it. Something was so off about Nathan, he was bipolar or something. One moment he would be sweet and comforting and the next he would turn into some bro-hoe jackass who only cared about getting into my pants.

And the worst part…is I let him.

What killed me is that I was lying to Riley…we had always promised each other that we would tell the other the moment that we lost our virginity but I hadn't told her.

I was too ashamed.

Senior year started for us quicker than I had imagined, and instead of being excited as hell, I was freaking out completely…knowing that I would have to see Nathan.

_He_ would be driving me to school.

Riley had always been my driver but her mom had taken away her car on account of she crashed it again –this time into a pole- and I didn't have a car to drive…leaving me stuck with him as my carpool driver. My parents were out of town again so it wasn't like they could take me.

When they first pulled up in my driveway and he honked obnoxiously, I felt my stomach drop. I wasn't ready to face him and I wasn't ready to have to start conversation. At this point, I hated him.

Mostly.

I closed the door behind me and walked to the back door of his car, placing my bag across my shoulder and taking in a few deep breaths before entering the world that I had tried so hard to stay away from for the rest of the summer.

"Can you believe it, Hales? We're seniors!" Riley clapped her hands together in excitement. "It's going to be the best year ever."

"Woo-hoo!" I said sarcastically, twirling my finger in the air and spotting Nathan in the rear view mirror watching me.

She looked back to me and pouted. "You're no fun."

I shrugged. "What can I say? I'm just not as excited as you are."

"But I bet you will be excited when I tell you what I got wind of last night." She had that devious smile on her face and I could only imagine what she was going to say next.

"What?" I asked, uninterested as I stared out the window.

"I talked to Carly today. She saw Reed at some party on Mason Ave, and apparently he 'wasn't himself'." She turned around as she began to elaborate. "Girls kept on coming up to him but he claimed something about there being only one girl for him. Hmm, I wonder who that girl could be." She laughed before turning back around.

"Imagine my excitement." I said unenthusiastically as she stared at me with disappointment.

"You used to be in love with that kid. What happened?" She asked and I looked over to the rear view mirror where I could see Nathan's glance focusing on the road in front of him. He hadn't said a word since I entered the car.

"I don't know." I said truthfully. One minute, I _had _been in love with Reed, crying for days on end waiting for him to come back and claim he couldn't live without me. It had been my dream for too many months to count. But then Nathan came along, and things just got…complicated.

That's when Nathan spoke. "If you ask me, the kid's a dick." He said to no one in particular though I had a feeling it was directed towards me.

"I _didn't _ask you. And he is not." I defended, raising my voice and glaring at him in the mirror.

"So is." He said crudely. "What kind of guy comes back from boarding school to be with some girl? I mean…especially when he doesn't even know if he has a chance with her. In this case, I'm guessing he doesn't. Am I right?" He focused his eyes on me in the mirror.

I rolled my eyes. "At least he isn't a jackass who sleeps with a different girl every other night." I snapped and Riley looked at both of us uneasily.

"Bitter?" Nathan said cockily, trying to get a rise out of me.

"Oh fuck you." I growled, turning to look out the window once more as we pulled into the parking lot of Tree Hill High.

When we got out of the car, Riley approached me awkwardly. "How come you and Nathan just can't get along? What the hell was that about anyway? " She asked as we watched Nathan make his way over to a couple of fake blondes.

"Nothing." I mumbled. "Let's go find Lucas." Lucas was another friend of mine, someone who I had known as long as I knew Riley, and someone I could trust as well. We had dated for a week in like seventh grade year but kissing him was like kissing my brother so we ended it mutually and were back to being best friends.

Of course, he was up against a locker with two girls swooning over him…two girls I identified to be Brooke Davis and Peyton Sawyer.

"Hey." He smiled as he saw me approaching him. "Long time no see, buddy." He said, making his way past the two girls and over to me to give me a hug. He had been away for most of the summer and had to work long hours the rest, so I hadn't seen him since a couple days after the end of last school year.

I hugged him back and watched Brooke and Peyton pass me by, Brooke giving me a quick wink and Peyton just rolling her eyes at Brooke teasingly. I liked Brooke and Peyton, but they weren't good friends of mine. "I know!" I said, turning my attention back to Lucas. "Thanks for all the phone calls…" I told him sarcastically "…really do appreciate it."

He pouted. "I'm sorry Hales. Please forgive me. If you do, I'll tell you about my summer romance!"

I gawked. "Summer romance? You dirty dawg! Tell me. Tell me." I pleaded, linking arms and waving to Riley as she headed to her first period class.

Lucas laughed. "I knew that would persuade you. Her name is Lila, and she's from Paris." He looked in front of us longingly. "She was beautiful, Hales."

"Even more beautiful than me?" I teased.

"Well…" he laughed "…I guess not as beautiful as you."

"I see I've taught you well." I winked.

"So what about you?" He asked. "Any summer romances that I missed? Come on…you can tell me."

I sighed. "Don't wanna talk about it."

As if on cue, there came Nathan, walking directly in front of me. To my surprise, Lucas called him over. "Hey man." He said and Nathan nodded in acknowledgement. I was pretty sure he knew I was there but he was doing a damn good job at hiding it.

"Nathan, this is Haley…" he told him and it wasn't until now I realized Luke and I were linking arms.

"We've met." He said simply. "I gotta go Luke; I'll catch up with you later."

"Luke?" I whispered, when Nathan was out of earshot. "You know him?"

He raised his eyebrow. "Yea…how do _you_ know him?"

"That's Riley's cousin…Riley _Scott_…Nathan _Scott_…how did you not realize that?" I said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Scott is a common last name, I didn't even think twice about it." He shrugged.

"I _hate _him." I said firmly. The truth…well, I didn't really _hate _him. Nathan was right…I was just bitter. But who wouldn't be when some guy basically tells you that he's using you to your face?

He laughed. "Why do you _hate _him? He seems like a cool kid."

_Oh…you don't know the half of it buddy._

"Never mind." I muttered but of course, Luke being Luke saw right through it.

"No…tell me. Why do you hate him?" He asked again, catching up to me as I tried to walk past him. "Did something happen?"

"No." I lied. But what was I supposed to say? 'Yea Luke, I fucked him.'

Yea, that would go over real well.

He shook his head. "You're lying…I know you are. You always do that eye twitchy thing when you lie. Tell me what happened between the two of you."

I let out a breath of air. "If you must know…"

"I must."

"I kind of…" I squinted my eyes as I started to tell him, waiting for his reaction "…slept with him."

"You what?" He asked in disbelief. "Haley…that guy sleeps with a new girl every night. You're way too good for him. He's an ass…"

"You said that he was cool."

"That was until I found out you slept with him!" He said, his hand rising to rub his forehead. "Haley…why would you do that?"

"I don't know." I sighed, leaning my head onto his shoulder as we walked. "But let me tell you…I regret it completely."

0

I got to my last class earlier than I usually got to any class and placed my bag on the desk, sitting down with a sigh and waiting for yet another boring class to begin. Senior year was supposed to be a breeze…but it wasn't. I already had a paper due in a couple of days and a project that I was told not to procrastinate on…not to mention the college applications lying on my desk at home beckoning me.

I was so dazed in all of the work I had to complete that I didn't see him walk in, or see him sit behind me. I had successfully avoided him all day, until now. There he was, sitting behind me in class with no one else around since the teacher was late.

"So you and Luke are pretty tight…" his voice came from behind me "…didn't know you had a boyfriend. I bet he'd love to hear about our wild night." He taunted me.

"He's not my boyfriend." I said through clenched teeth, hoping that maybe he would get the picture and shut up so I wouldn't have to talk to him.

"I hope that I'm not the reason that is." He said insincerely and this time I turned around in my chair to face him.

"Nathan…you made your point pretty damn clear…I was just a sex toy for the night. So would you please, just leave me alone for the rest of your existence?" I don't know where I got the audacity to be so rude but what could I say…he deserved it.

"What do you mean for the night? Does that mean you're not willing to give it another go?" He winked, moving in to make his lips inches from mine as he blew a taunting kiss.

"You know what…fuck you." I said, turning back to face the front desk, watching a few girls as they piled into the classroom, gossiping a mile a minute.

He leaned into my left ear and whispered, "You already did that."

"Don't remind me." I muttered under my breath and then turned to face him again. "Look…Mr. I'm afraid of clowns…I thought that there was more to you than your stupid badass persona but I guess I was wrong…you're just like every other guy on this planet."

"You don't even know me." He laughed bitterly.

"Please…you had sex with me and then walked out…I think that says a little bit about what kind of person you are." I growled.

"Oh please…like you didn't want me." He said, leaning back in his chair and resting the back of his head on his palms. "You couldn't keep your hands off me."

"Will you stop being a self righteous jerk for once in your life?"

"Will you stop being so judgmental for once in your life?" He shot back.

"Will you stop mocking me?"

"Will you make out with me?" He asked with a smirk.

Before I could throw a witty comment his way, I was interrupted by a pair of familiar green eyes. "Hey…Haley."

"Reed…" I said, somewhat surprised "…you're in my English class?"

"Lucky me." He smiled, taking the seat to the left of me but not taking his eyes off me for a second. "You look great, Hales…" he commented and I blushed a bit. Just because I was determined to push all my feelings for both boys aside didn't mean that their comments didn't make me blush.

"Please." Nathan rolled his eyes.

I tried my best not to laugh. Nathan, jealous?

_How entertaining. _


	6. Weakness

Here's chapter six. Thank you to those who replied.

Z

**  
Chapter Six**

_Weakness_

It's difficult not to fall for Reed again. He's such a sweet guy and even I know that his abrupt break up with me was not something I could really blame him for. Our break up at the time was inevitable. He was far away and it's just common sense that long distance relationships don't usually work out.

Especially when you're barely seventeen.

And I like talking to him. And it's hard to hate him even though I know that it would all be easier if I did. He's smart, he's funny and he's genuine with every word. He's not mysterious like Nathan nor does he hold that power over me that I seem to love and hate at the same time. He's predictable.

But he's also safe.

"I know we ended on a weird note at the beginning of the summer and I want to apologize," he said softly when the teacher assigned us into groups to discuss the summer reading that none of us did. "I know it was probably a shock to see me again and I should've called or something. You have every right to be mad at me…"

I laughed lightly. "You don't need to apologize. I was the one being a bitch. It was all a long time ago, Reed. The past is the past, right?"

He smiled. "Right. Then, we could maybe hang out sometime…or something. If you want to, that is." He pauses and looks around nervously. "I mean, that guy wasn't your boyfriend right?" His curiosity and helplessness made me want to smile sweetly. He did really care about me, I guess.

"You mean, Nathan?" I asked.

He nodded.

I laughed. "No. We're just…" I turned to the left to watch Nathan interact with his group for a second "…complicated." It came as no surprise to me that he was chatting it up with some girl I had never seen before. It took me a while to look back over to Reed.

"Have you guys…?" He didn't finish his question but I knew immediately that he wanted to ask if we had had sex.

I raised my eyebrow.

"Sorry. Right. None of my business."

I looked back over to Nathan and he suddenly looked up from the girl to meet my gaze. I looked away immediately.

"It's okay," I assured him.

"So we can be friends, right?" He asked suddenly.

I flashed a tight smile. "I'd like that."

I slipped the books I needed for that night's homework in my shoulder bag and held my cell phone to my ear to try to reach Riley. She was, however, not answering her phone. "The Perishers…" a voice from behind me said favorably.

I turned around just in time to see Nathan lean against the locker beside me. "Excuse me?" I asked, turning my attention to his innocent expression. Yea, I saw _right _through that…

"The Perishers…" he said again "…the poster on your locker…they're good."

I rolled my eyes and slammed the locker door shut, walking over to the parking lot with him in step beside me. "What? Am I supposed to give out brownie points because you have good taste in music?" I scoffed, refusing to look at him.

He laughed. "Hey…you better be nice if you want a ride home."

"I don't want a ride home." I said, still staring straight ahead and forcing him to walk at a fast pace to keep up with me. "I'll just get Lucas to take me home or something…believe me I'd rather walk than get in that car with you again."

The thing that was so weird about my…crush, if you will…on Nathan was that whenever I wasn't with him, he was all I could think about but then when I _was _with him, I wanted to rip his head off because he was such a jacka ss. I guess it wasn't Nathan that I liked…but more the idea of someone like him having some kind of interest in me. It didn't make all that much sense…but then again; all teenage drama doesn't make a whole lot of sense anyway.

"So you _are _dating Lucas." He accused subtly, as if it didn't bother him. But if it didn't bother him…then why did he bring it up?

"Am not." I rolled my eyes, turning the corner of the hallway. "We're just friends…"

"With benefits." He smirked.

I stopped and pivoted around to face him abruptly, glaring into his eyes with a fake grin on my face. "You're right Nathan…I won't deny it anymore." I was totally talking out of my ass but I thought that maybe he would get the picture if I just threw this in his face "…Lucas and I are madly in love and we have rough animal sex every night…which by the way…" I leaned into his ear to whisper "…is _much _better than the sex I had with you."

"And Reed?" He asked. "You do him when you're not doing Lucas?"

"What can I say? I get bored," I fake winked.

Before he could respond with those comments that he finds to be so damn witty, my cell phone went off in my pocket and I pulled it to my ear, walking away from Nathan. "Hello?"

It was Riley.

"Hey babe. So sorry but I have to stay after class to talk to Ms. Wright about this stupid English assignment due Friday…find Nathan and tell him that he can go ahead without me…I'll find a ride home."

I let out a sigh of despair. "You _cannot_…I repeat, _cannot _leave me alone in the car with him."

"He's not that bad. Don't be so dramatic…" she laughed "…look, there's nothing I can do Hales. Ms. Wright's a bitch."

"He _is _that bad, Ry. I can't…I won't." I whined into the phone and I could tell she was distracted by something because she wasn't really paying attention and there were loud voices in the background.

"I'm sorry Haley. I am. But I really have to go…call me tonight." She hung up before I could protest anymore and that's when I slumped back over to Nathan.

"I knew you'd come back." He winked cockily.

"I'm just here to tell you that Riley doesn't need a ride home…so you're on your own." With that, I began to walk away but he stopped me.

"Aren't you coming?" He asked, spinning me around with his gentle grip on my shoulder.

"No." I said flatly. "I'll get a ride from Lucas." But of course, with my luck, after I called Lucas, I discovered he had left early because he had a free period…leaving me with absolutely no other options.

So there I was, sitting shotgun in Nathan's car as he drove me home, taking the long way.

_Of course._

He started to talk but I turned on the radio as he begun, drowning out his voice. It was slightly amusing to see his whole routine meet it's end before my very eyes…I was beating him at his own game and I could tell that he didn't like it all too much. I couldn't blame him.

"So you're not really dating Lucas or Reed . Are you?" He asked a couple minutes later, turning down the music and then gripping the steering wheel loosely once again.

I rolled my eyes. "I don't see why that's any of your business…"

"Well, I kinda would like to know if I slept with a girl who wasn't all that available at the time…"

"Why does it matter? I mean…I bet that I was sleeping with a guy who wasn't all that available at the time." I mocked him. "I mean…what was that phone call at the end all about? A girlfriend you needed to tend to? Oh wait, of course it wasn't a girlfriend…because let me guess…you don't like labels." I was surprising even myself with the confident tone I had in my voice, I was totally calling him out and having no problem voicing my opinion. "I mean, considering all the girls you had over to Riley's house all summer I'm guessing you don't like to be _tied down._ Am I right?" My words came out cold and harsh…but exactly how I meant them.

He laughed. "How did you know that I had tons of girls over all summer? Were you like checking up on me or something?" He didn't seem bothered about it, but more triumphed from my jealousy.

"No…I wasn't checking up on you…" I spat out "…Riley just…" I cleared my throat "…happened to mention it." I said, folding my arms across my chest and leaning my head against the window in attempt to have the subject dropped.

He laughed. "Riley doesn't know about us, does she?" He asked, somewhat amused. "You never told her you lost your virginity to me."

"First of all, Nathan," I said, my nostrils flaring. "There is no _us_…I think you made that very clear after you f ucked me and then left…and second of all, why do you assume that I lost my virginity to you? Maybe I lost it to Reed or Lucas, huh? You ever think about that pretty boy?" I was starting to sound foolish but I guess I had been sounding foolish since the second I met him so why stop now?

And of course…he just laughed again. "Maybe…but I don't think so. I mean…you were good, don't get me wrong…but you were nervous, I could tell…and the way you got so anxious when I dropped my clothes in the bathroom…you'd never seen a guy naked before. It was so obvious." He was amused with his own wit about the situation and it was starting to send me off the edge.

I let my face fall into my hands as I screamed into them. "You know what…I can walk from here." We were stopped at a red light, so I opened the door and stepped out, beginning to walk on the sidewalk.

And instead of trying to get me to get back in the car like a gentleman would, he just sped off the moment the light turned green, leaving me alone. Okay, so I had told him that I would walk…but he was supposed to stop me. God, did this guy never watch any movies?

Reed would have come after me.

Thankfully, I only got a couple of blocks before I heard a familiar voice yell out to me…it was Lucas, my knight in shining armor. "Hey buddy. Why are you walking?"

"Nathan." I muttered through clenched teeth, climbing into Luke's truck and allowing him to drive me home. "Stupid jackass kicked me out of the car…"

"He kicked you out of the car?" Lucas asked in disbelief, tensing up in full protective mode.

I shrugged. "Well technically no…but he drove me out of the car with his cockiness. I kind of got out trying to make a dramatic exit but he didn't come after me…" I sighed in disappointment.

Lucas just laughed. "Haley…you've been watching too many predictable movies. You obviously didn't realize who you were dealing with." When he realized that I didn't really fully understand, he turned to look at me, watching the road out of the corner of his eye and putting his comforting hand on my leg. "He hates rejection…and I bet that you getting out of the car was not something that he took very well."

"Whatever." I muttered under my breath, realizing suddenly that I was sounding exactly like Nathan.

That's when the car stopped abruptly.

"Lucas…what the hell happened?" I asked, shifting in my seat and trying to figure out why we weren't going anywhere. "Please tell me you didn't forget to put gas in the damn car."

He shrugged and looked at me innocently. "Oops?"

"Damn it!" I yelled, hitting the glove compartment with my fist and leaning back in the chair, rolling my eyes. "You're laughing up there? Aren't you?" I yelled to the Gods.

"Haley…it's fine." Lucas tried to sooth me. "We'll call the tow service and get it to the nearest gas station."

"I don't want to wait that long." I whined childishly. "I have places to go…"

"Like where?" He asked.

"Like home…to watch bad TV…and to drown in a pool of self pity." I whimpered. I really needed to stop feeling sorry for myself but this day was just getting more horrible by the minute.

"Oh please." Lucas laughed. "It won't take that long." We both got out of the car and made our way over to the sidewalk, watching people honk obnoxiously and then make their way around Lucas' truck. Lucas walked off a little ways to use his cell phone and I just sat there on the sidewalk, waiting.

I was joined my Lucas a couple minutes later and the two of us sat for what seemed like forever, when suddenly I saw Nathan's car pull up beside us. "Car trouble?" He smirked at Lucas, ignoring me completely. I kept waiting for him to look at me, but the moment never came.

"Yea." Lucas sighed. "I'm just waiting for a tow truck to get here. Can you take Haley home?"

I turned to Lucas, wide eyed and pulled him out of Nathan's earshot, "excuse us for a moment." I said through clenched teeth. I hit Lucas hard in stomach with my purse and he winced in pain.

"What?"

"You know what." I whispered rudely into his ear. "I'm not driving with that whore."

"Whore?" He laughed and it was really starting to irritate me how much he was amused by this situation. "Haley…he's just going to take you home. You're the one who was complaining about how much this sucks…now you can go home and be miserable there."

"But Luke…" I whined.

He shrugged. "If you want to wait here for another hour, be my guest. Either take the ride with the whore or sit here in the sun for a long a ss time. Take your pick."

I dragged him back over to Nathan and sighed loudly when he opened the door for me to get in, that cocky grin on his face.

He knew he'd win in the end.

I didn't speak to him the whole ride and he didn't speak to me. It wasn't until I got out of the car that he spoke. "You're not gonna ask me to come in?" He asked.

I rolled my eyes. "And let you seduce me into bed again? I don't think so."

He got out of the car anyway. "I think you want me to come in."

"Do not." I said simply, opening the lock with my key, pretending to pay no attention to him whatsoever. I thought that he would get the message when I didn't say anything else but apparently he didn't because he followed me into the house anyway. "Are you lost?" I asked rudely as he made himself comfortable on the couch.

He shrugged. "Nice place."

"You've been here before…" I pointed out "…though you probably didn't get a good look at the place because it was more like a hit and run kind of thing. You're games are getting kind of old Nathan, don't ya think?" Where all this sass was coming from, I had no idea. I, Haley James, was not sassy. I never had been, Riley had always been the one who could hold her own…I never could. But now, there was some sort of anger inside me about the way he had treated me. It wasn't so much at him, but more at myself for letting him.

"Wanna play again?" He whispered loud enough for me to hear as he made his way towards where I was, once again, backing me up against the wall. I bit my lip as he situated his arms on either side of me, his palms falling against the wall and making their way to my waist. I gulped, breathing heavily and trying my best to avert my eyes from his.

I repeated some sort of mantra in my head. _Say no. Say no. Say no. _But no matter how many times my brain screamed out that I was being reckless, I couldn't tell him no. I wanted this, even if it went against everything I believed in.

I liked being in control, and with Nathan I was never in control…but nonetheless, here I was again, backed up against a wall with him staring into my eyes with complete and utter lust.

"Hi." I whispered as the gap between our lips grew smaller.

He smirked, his right hand slipping lower and lower and his other hand moving up towards my neck. My heart was racing but I couldn't seem to move. I just stood there, allowing him to caress me as I licked my lips subconsciously. I opened my mouth to speak…to say something…but he immediately moved his finger to touch my lips. "Shh…I won't hurt you," he whispered and his lips crashed onto mine.

_I beg to differ._


	7. Adding to The Noise

Thank you for all the kind replies. It really puts a smile on my face. You are the best. Enjoy.

Z

**Chapter Seven**

_Adding to the Noise_

All I have to say, is I'm _such _a coward. All summer I told myself that Nathan was just using me and that I deserved so much better; that I would never give in to his bullsh!t again. I promised I would stand up for myself and not let him get under my skin, but here I was in the same position I had been in a month and a half ago, not being able to say no…this time going farther than before.

That being because there were no mysterious phone calls in the middle.

When he got up and gathered his clothes together, I suddenly realized my mistake again. I had allowed myself to forget how wrong it was during, but it managed to hit me after…which probably wasn't the best timing. I don't know what I had been expecting to happen, I knew that he was just going to pick up and leave again but I guess I had some optimism that he would suddenly change his mind.

Needless to say, he didn't.

"See you." He said nonchalantly, throwing his shirt back on and making his way out the door.

I almost said something, I almost yelled after him as he made his way out but I covered my mouth before I could make a fool out of myself. Not that I hadn't made a fool out of myself already. I winced at my reflection in the mirror; I looked so dirty, but not half as dirty as I felt. I could just imagine Riley's reaction. She wouldn't even be angry, she would be more disappointed than anything. I tried not to cry every time she would say something about how disgusted she was with the brainless sluts he would bring home over the summer. It killed me to know I was one of those girls.

You could say that I was most definitely _ashamed._

What I couldn't figure out is why I kept letting him to get to me. By now I had managed to understand his cycle. First, he ignored me…then he was rude…then he would act all seductive and flirtatious and then he would pretend to be genuine. And the stupid part is I knew that I would fall for it all again.

He just had that stupid affect on me.

Damn him.

I made up a lame excuse to Riley as to why I didn't need to ride with her and Nathan to school and begged Lucas to pick me up. His car was in the shop but he borrowed his moms after some cursing and yelling over the phone. I did see Nathan at school the next day, but I went above and beyond to avoid him. I totally went out of my way, even if it meant being late to each of my classes and ditching some all together. I was not in the mood to be ashamed of myself so I did everything I could to make sure I didn't see him.

Of course, I still saw him, standing in the hallway with different girls. And of course, being me, I noted every new one that I saw. First it was Mandie Silverman, and then it was Callie Weathers…then some girl I couldn't recognize and finally that bitch from fourth period who kept on smacking her gum in the seat behind me.

Ok…ok…so I was a bit jealous but it didn't change the fact that I knew I couldn't get within a mile radius of this kid. He would suck me in again and before I knew it I would be doing the nasty in the one hundred percent unsanitary janitor's closet.

To sum it up…I was avoiding the inevitable awkward meeting/seduction.

Riley noticed how tense I was the whole day but she didn't say anything. I could tell though, from the look on her face. She always did that thing where she furrowed her brow and eyed me suspiciously. She didn't need to say anything...Iknew that sheknew something was up. She always did, no matter what it was impossible to hide things from her. That's why I was so surprised she hadn't figured out the whole me and Nathan relationship. If you could even call it a relationship…

There was something off about Riley as well though.

I didn't see him coming. I didn't even hear him approach me from behind because I was too busy talking to Lucas after the last bell rang.

"The nerve of that Angelina Jolie…" Lucas told me, shaking his head while I searched through my locker. "I mean, Brad and Jennifer gave the rest of us some kind of hope. If they can't work, how are the rest of us supposed to be optimistic?"

"Lucas," I sighed. "Sometimes, I swear to God, you're just such a girl! I mean…that's why we're friends remember? Because you're not a girl…and sometimes, too much estrogen is hard for me to handle!" Lucas had been mumbling beside me and I had been completely zoning out as I managed to put my books in my backpack. "So anyway, are we up for the record store later?"

"Of course. I'll pick you up in front of your house at seven?"

"As always."

I should've seen him coming…but I didn't.

"So she's alive…" he commented, slipping in between Lucas and I so that he blocked Lucas from view. "I was beginning to think you were avoiding me but then I just looked in the mirror and realized that would never happen." He laughed.

Apparently he thought he was funny.

"Oh please." I rolled my eyes. "You think that I would go out of my way to avoid _you_? You're not worth the trouble."

Ok, so I lied.

I wasn't looking at him because I feared I would lose my sense of right and wrong if I did. There was something so intoxicating about his blue eyes and it was almost impossible to say no.

Drugs don't have anything on Nathan Scott.

He moved his finger to my chin to get me to look at him but I closed my eyes immediately. "I'm not gonna turn you to stone, Haley." He laughed. "Why so afraid all of a sudden?"

I shook out of his grasp. "I'm not afraid." I growled, looking back into my locker. "I was just having a conversation with Lucas that you so rudely interrupted and I would like to continue it, thank you very much." I pushed him out of the way so that I could see Lucas, who unsurprisingly was watching with quite amusement.

"Oh look Haley…" Lucas smirked "…it's the whore." I blushed in embarrassment and cursed Lucas under my breath for making fun of me. I had called him a whore the other day and apparently Lucas hadn't forgotten.

Damn Lucas and his good memory.

"Whore?" Nathan asked, raising his eyebrow at me.

I raised my palms and tried my best to remain calm. "Don't look at me…Lucas is the one who called you a whore."

Before Lucas could tell Nathan otherwise, and I knew that he would, I nudged Lucas in the side and slammed my locker, moving in the opposite direction of the both of them. I brushed them both off and decided that I was just going to have to find some other way of getting home.

This is why I need more friends.

"Riley, where are you?" I demanded, yelling into my cell phone as I approached the parking lot.

"Whoa babe, chill." She said back. "What's got you so tweaked?"

"Bad day." I sighed.

"Sounds like. Anyway, what can I do ya for?" She asked.

"Are you riding home with Nathan?" I asked, walking towards the parking lot.

"Yea, aren't you?" She asked.

"No." I said a little too quickly with a little too much hostility in my voice.

"Why don't you like him Hales? He's not that bad. Honestly. I didn't like him at first but he's nice when he wants to be…just give him a chance." If only I could tell her that I had given him a chance, that I had given him more than a chance I had given him my _virginity. _But of course, I couldn't tell her that so I just mumbled something about making more of an effort and then hung up without saying goodbye.

Sometimes a girl just needs to take her anger out on _something. _Too bad Riley had to be the one.

So it appeared I would be taking the public bus home.

"Hey."

I jumped.

"Oh, hey Reed," I said, catching my breath. "You scared me. What's up?"

"I don't know. You didn't show up to English today. Were you avoiding me?"

_You. Nathan. Everyone._

"No," I lied, "I wasn't feeling well so I spent that period in the nurse's office. I'm all better now. But I really should get going, I have to catch the bus."

"The bus? I'll give you a ride."

"That's not necessary," I insisted.

"Come on, Haley."

I sighed. I guess that wouldn't do any harm.

The car ride wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be. He was nice, I was surprisingly calm and we seemed to be able to reminisce about old times quite nicely. I forgot some of the things we used to do and some of the embarrassing moments that he will never let me live down. It was all fine until the end.

That's when he kissed me.

Short. Sweet. Simple.

Nothing like Nathan.

"See you tomorrow," he said, smiling awkwardly as he walked back down the porch steps. I think he knew that something was off because I had looked at him strangely after he kissed me. It wasn't that he was a bad kisser, which he definitely was not; it was that I didn't know if I wanted to get back into a relationship with him. Did I want a relationship with anyone?

I watched him drive away and then groaned loudly. "What am I getting myself into?"

Lucas and I loved hanging out at that particular record store near school. The manager and many of the workers knew us by name because we came so damn often. It was so familiar and comforting and for once, I knew that I wouldn't have to deal with Nathan…or I _thought _I wouldn't have to deal with Nathan.

It was beginning to bug me how much Nathan was having an affect on me. I mean, after all, I had only just met him at the beginning of the summer. The whole relationship…friendship… thing just wasn't working out for me in the least.

It was driving me insane.

He was all I could think about and even though I knew that he was all wrong for me he was what I wanted as much as I denied it.

"Hey." Lynette, the woman behind the counter shouted at us as we walked in. "Long time no see Luke…hey Haley." The girl was a couple years older than both of us but it was obvious she had a thing for Luke. I wouldn't be surprised if he had a thing for her too.

"It's all Luke's fault…" I teased, nudging him in the side playfully "…he was so busy with his latest summer romance he didn't have time for his old buddies." Lucas blushed beside me and I simply rolled my eyes.

Lucas and I headed over to the Alternative/Classic Rock section and scammed some CD's. We swapped opinions on certain bands and I almost had Luke convinced that I had grown to like O-Town over the summer. He looked like he was about to have a heart attack he was so ashamed and when I told him I was only joking he looked more relieved than I'd ever seen him in my entire life.

"So tell me…" he started, and I immediately felt an awkward topic coming on "…what's up with you and Riley? I mean…don't get me wrong, I love all the extra time you have for me but it feels off sort of because it always used to be the three of us, you know? I can't tell if you're avoiding her or she's avoiding you." He looked genuinely concerned that my friendship with Riley was slipping and it just made me love him even more for caring so much.

"I don't know…" I answered truthfully, flipping through some CDs "…I thought that I was the one avoiding her but now it seems like she's avoiding me. The whole thing with me and he who shall not be named…"

He cut me off. "Nathan?"

"He who shall not be named…" I said again, glaring at him "…sort of made me feel bad, you know? Like I'm betraying her trust or something. I just feel like it's not fair that I'm keeping it from her and to be honest, I don't even know why I am keeping it from her…"

He raised his eyebrow.

"Ok…so I do know why I'm keeping it from her." I sighed, "I just don't want her to be ashamed of me, you should have heard the way she was talking about the bimbos Nathan banged over the summer. Riley's important to me and I don't want her to think any less of me. Does that make sense?"

He nodded. "It makes sense Hales. But you still need to tell her, regardless. Keeping it from her is only making the situation worse." I knew that Lucas was right. That kid was always right…and for that, I hated him.

Just kidding.

"I guess…but what's got me so confused is why she seems like she's avoiding me. I feel like I've been seeing her less and less since school started. I don't know…something's off." It had been bothering me all day and saying it aloud made it feel worse for some odd reason.

"So…speaking of you and Nathan…" he said, easing into something he knew would not end pretty.

"There is no me and Nathan." I snapped.

He shrugged. "Man. I should have been more subtle about it." He turned to look in the other direction. "Hey, I'm gonna go talk to Lynette for a second, alright? I'll be right back."

I laughed. "Knock m' dead, tiger."

He rolled his eyes. "Must you mock me?"

"I must."

After he left, I began to flip through CDs. I wasn't really paying attention, but more thinking about my current situation with Riley. It was really bugging me but I was hoping I had just been overreacting. The fact that Luke noticed made it true.

That's when I heard that familiar voice. "Fancy meeting you here."

I turned around to face him. "You." I growled. "What the hell are you doing here?"

He shrugged and made his way to the CDs next to me, acting completely nonchalant. "It's a free country." When I didn't answer him, and instead just glared, he still didn't look up. "So what a coincidence." He remarked. "You…me…same record store. Maybe it's fate…"

I rolled my eyes. "Or maybe you're just stalking me."

"What can I say? I'm your secret admirer." He smirked proudly.

"Yea? Well there is a fine line between a secret admirer and a stalker." I shot back.

"Harsh." He sighed.

"But true." I squeaked, pleased with myself as I looked back down to the CDs in front of me.

It was official. This kid was stalking me and it made no sense whatsoever. I mean he made it so painfully obvious to me that I was only for pleasure yet everywhere I was, he was and I was starting to get mixed signals.

"Seriously Nathan…" I started when he didn't leave "…what are you doing here?"

"Oh you know, just looking for some CDs." He told me.

"Why is it that everywhere I go, you go?" I asked, irritation in my voice.

He shrugged and then turned to watch me. I could see him out of the corner of my eye but I refused to look up. "You love it," he taunted.

"What gave you that impression?" I glared. "Because I was almost positive the vibe I was giving off was that I wanted to be nowhere near you."

"Which is why you were practically on top of me yesterday?" He smirked, moving closer by the second.

He got me there. What was I supposed to say to that? I mean, in reality…I pretty much had been. There was something so infuriating about the way I wanted to strangle him when he was talking to me but my knees weakened every time he came near me.

Why did he have to be so sexy?

He laughed when I didn't respond and then turned back to the CDs in front of him. "That's what I thought."

Before I could smack him across the face, Lucas returned. "Nathan? What are you doing here?" He asked and I didn't have to turn around to see that Lucas was slightly amused. Sometimes Lucas could get all protective over me but he always got amusement out of my awkward encounters with the opposite sex.

Why I still hung out with him was beyond me.

"Lucas." Nathan acknowledged and then turned his back to me while he began to talk to him.

I could see Lucas smirk at the corner of his mouth though he was trying desperately to hide it because he knew I would kill him later. "I see you've been talking to Haley." I rolled my eyes at the mention of my name. "She's a cutie, huh?" He laughed.

I couldn't hear Nathan's response because I dropped the CD I was holding and it made a crashing noise on the ground. I could feel Nathan's smirk above me and my eyes met his as I rose slowly to my feet.

"Haley…we should probably get out of here." Lucas said softly, eyeing me protectively. "My mom needs me back early anyway. We'll see you later…Nathan." As I turned around to follow Lucas, Nathan grabbed my shoulder.

"You don't have to go, Haley. I can take you home," Lucas raised his eyebrow at me, secretly questioning what I wanted. I shrugged and he smiled weakly. It's such a difficult emotion, ambivalence. Sure, I wanted to avoid Nathan all together because I know that he'll ultimately break my heart but the other part of me wanted to just give in. Part of me just wanted to care less.

"Haley?" Lucas asked. "It _would_ be easier for me if he took you home. I was going to go run a few errands for my mother. But I could always just take you home first. Whatever you want to do." I looked from Lucas to Nathan and then back to Lucas, not being able to make a fucking simple decision.

Nathan laughed and then began to head out the door. "Whatever…"

I followed him. "No, wait…I'm coming with you."

It's not like I rationally thought through it all. I mean, if I had, there would be no way that I would have ended up sitting in his car but somehow, there I was. When I got in, we sat in silence for a couple of minutes until I finally spoke. "What were you doing over in that direction, anyway?" I asked.

He didn't look over, just stared straight in front of him, not moving an inch. "I just had some things to take care of," he answered elusively.

"Oh," I shrugged. "Like what?"

Again, he didn't move. "Just…things." I took that as a none of your business so I just frowned and continued to stare out the window. A couple of seconds later I felt his stare out of the corner of my eye. "Look…it's nothing," he assured me suddenly "…just part of my past." When I looked to meet his gaze I saw his eyes glaze over with what I could have sworn was guilt.

"Okay," I shrugged and then looked back out the window. Seconds later my phone went off and I pulled it out my pocket to find that Reed was calling me. That was the last thing that I needed so I cleared my throat and put it back in my pocket. I liked Reed, he was safe unlike Nathan, he would care for me like a boyfriend would but I'm not sure if that's what I wanted at the moment…especially after everything that had happened between us.

"Reed or Lucas?" He asked after a while.

I sighed. "What makes you think it's either one of them?"

"Because it is…" he answered simply. "It was Reed, huh?"

I groaned. "Yes…"

"How come you didn't answer it?" He pried and I shook my head at him.

"I just didn't, okay? It's none of your business."

"Okay, okay…" he laughed "…I was just trying to start conversation."

"You and I? Have a normal conversation?" I scoffed. "Impossible. Either you'll end up seducing me into bed or I'll end up screaming and yelling at you. How about we just ride in silence?" Strangely enough, I liked it when I was yelling at him. I felt like I had more control if I was the one yelling, if I was the one putting the wall up between us.

When he put the wall up, all I wanted to do was pull it down.

"We're having a normal conversation right now. I just want to know about things with you and Reed. Are you guys reconciling?"

I scoffed. "No…" and then sighed "…I don't know."

It was silent for a few minutes until he turned the radio on and the car is filled with the voice of Dr. Dre. There's one more thing we don't have in common. When we pulled up to my house fifteen minutes later, the both of us saw a figure waiting on my front porch in the dark. It couldn't have been my parents because they were still out of town, surprise surprise, and my brother was away at college. Who else would come visit me?

As we grew closer, it became clear that the figure was Reed. Nathan got out of the car as well and when he recognized him he rolled his eyes which I found to be strangely cute. "Hey…" Reed said awkwardly when he saw Nathan "…I tried calling you but you weren't picking up. I really need to talk to you."

"Okay," I said hesitantly.

He looked over to Nathan. "Were you on a date?"

"No…" I scoffed "…he was just giving me a ride home from the Record Store."

"I thought you always went to the Record Store with Lucas." He asked.

See, Reed knows everything about me.

"Long story…" I said and then folded my arms across my chest "…so what's up?"

He pulled me over closer to him and I turned slightly to see that Nathan was still watching. He raised his eyebrow at me and I sort of smiled awkwardly, turning back to Reed to try to figure out what was going on. "I know you don't trust me, Haley. Hell, sometimes I don't trust me but I need you to give me a second chance. You're half the reason I'm back in Tree Hill. I missed you, a lot. And that kiss earlier…it reminded me of how good we used to be together. Don't you remember?"

I smiled genuinely and he smiled back. "See…you do remember. Why can't we go back to that?"

I shrugged. "I don't know."

"Do you want to go back to that?" He asked.

I paused. "Can I think about it?"

He smiled and nodded and before he turned away, he pulled me closer to him and kissed me long and hard on the mouth. I don't remember him ever kissing me with that much passion before and I almost wondered if it was because Nathan was standing very close by.

"Think about it," he said.


	8. Angels or Devils

**Chapter Eight**

_Angels or Devils_

I hate decisions. Mostly because I'm no good at making them. I blow things out of proportion, overanalyze and then usually end up having a mental breakdown. I just can't make up my mind when I need to and I hate the pressure of people's expectations. Making decisions just sucks in general; especially when it comes to people because I always end up letting someone down.

I hate letting people down.

Riley always helped me with decisions. She helped me go through the pros and cons and sometimes it actually helped, and though sometimes it didn't…she tried. But I'm all on my own on this one because I can't tell Riley about Nathan. I mean, I can…but I don't want to. I can't really even tell her about Reed because if I tell her I'm not sure I want to get back together with him she'll ask why and my only reason is Nathan.

This is one of those instances where I want to grab a pillow and scream into it.

Like I've said before, Reed is safe. Reed is sweet, mellow, considerate and most of all, he's convenient. He's not bad to look at either but the truth is he's got nothing on Nathan. And ultimately, I can't choose Nathan over Reed just because Nathan is hotter…I mean, I'm not that shallow.

I don't think.

But if I did choose Nathan over Reed, how stupid would I be? It's not like Nathan is begging for any sort of relationship anyway. He likes the no strings attached bullsh!t where he doesn't have to feel any sort of guilt about me when he's hooking up with other girls. Of course, if I started dating Reed I would have to drop Nathan all together…and I don't want to do that, do I?

_Where is that goddamn pillow?_

Reed left minutes after he kissed me but Nathan remained in the same position as before, standing by his car with a look of complete and utter…indifference. "Want me to come in?" He asked, moving closer towards me and following me up the steps. It's unbelievable the way he's pretending like that didn't happen! It's like he sees me kissing other guys every day! Why isn't he upset about this?

It surprises me that I even thought he would be upset. I mean, it _is_ Nathan. He's kissing other girls so why wouldn't it be okay for me to do the same? I guess it doesn't change the fact that it hurts he could care less about me. Because Reed would care, he would freak out…he did freak out when he saw me kissing Nathan at the movie theater. See, Reed cares…

Nathan…well, doesn't.

Okay. So Reed it is. I made my decision. I think…

So then why am I letting Nathan follow me into the house?

"So you're parents aren't home, huh? Guess I'm staying the night then…" he said suggestively and I rolled my eyes as I took my jacket off and threw it on the banister.

"That'll happen," I said sarcastically, causing him to laugh.

"Let's order Chinese," he said, grabbing my phone off the cradle and dialing in a number that apparently he knew by heart.

"Nathan, what are you doing?" I groaned.

He put a finger over his lips and then pointed to the phone which received another eye roll from me. "Yea, I'd like to place an order to be delivered…" he paused for a second and then placed his hand over the speaker of the phone "…what's your address?"

Everything was normal between us, and it was starting to bother me. I wanted him to show any signs of jealousy but he was seriously acting like nothing happened. Reed kissed me in front of him but it seemed that Nathan could care less. Finally, after avoiding the subject for a good forty five minutes while we ate Chinese, I cracked.

"It doesn't bother you that Reed kissed me?" I asked, sounding ridiculous.

He raised his eyebrow as he looked up from the carton of rice. "Should it?"

I sighed. "I don't know, I mean…we do kind of have a history and I just thought that you'd feel…"

"Jealous?" He laughed.

"I was going to say awkward…" I blushed. Looking away from him, I dipped my chopsticks into the rice and mixed it with soy sauce.

"It's not like we're exclusive…" he shrugged "…we've had sex, so what? I've had sex with half the population of Tree Hill already."

I scoffed, "I can't believe you seriously just said that."

"What?" He shrugged innocently. "I'm just stating the facts. Besides…you don't even like him."

My eyes widen in confusion. "Excuse me? What makes you think I don't like him? I did kiss him back."

"Yet now you're here with me, instead."

"You kind of invited yourself in…" I countered.

"But you didn't make me leave, did you?"

"Well no but…"

Before I could finish he interrupted me, "see…you don't like him. It's okay. You can admit it." He's got that subtle smirk on his lips that causes me to glare. The way he thinks that he knows me so well drives me absolutely crazy. He seems to be able to read me so well when I can't figure out a single fucking emotion of his.

"You are unreal…" I sighed.

"That's what they say," he shrugged, giving that infamous smirk of his. I pulled back as he inched closer, knowing full well what was about to happen. But as his lips grew closer to mine, I knew that I wasn't going to stop it…even if I wanted to.

Which for the record, I didn't.

His hands were warm as they touched my cold cheek and he leaned in closer. I felt his hands slip through my hair and slip down to my neck and I kept my eyes wide open, staring deep into his. My breathing was going into overdrive as it had done so many times before in this exact position and it scared me that I still had no control when I was with him. When his lips touched mine, it was only for a second before he pulled away and raised his eyebrow.

_What a tease._

He laughed at my surprised expression and then dove back in, his lips moist on mine. His hands traveled down to my waist and under my shirt and I accepted willingly. I didn't stop him like I would have if I had any sense at all.

He pushed me down onto the couch and I let myself fall under him as he tried desperately to unbuckle my jeans and let me do the same to him. Everything was normal; or normal with Nathan, until he pulled away abruptly and stared at me with a blank expression that I couldn't read in the least. "I have to go…" he said.

"You what?" I asked, my voice coming out completely and utterly taken aback. The surprises just kept coming with this one. Just when I thought I had gotten him somewhat figured out he threw me for a loop and I ended up trying to figure out what I had done wrong.

"Look, it's just…" and for a moment I thought he was going to tell me but then he finished with "…never mind. I just, I just have to go."

"But…" I tried to protest as he made his way to the door. I ran my hands through my hair as I stood up from the couch and just stood there, half undressed "…I, I don't understand."

But I was talking to myself because he was already out the door.

I laughed out loud. Just when I thought things were starting to make sense…

_Damn him._

I couldn't do my homework that night. As hard as I tried to focus, things just weren't falling into place. It didn't help that I didn't understand Calculus anyway. Between everything with Nathan and Reed…and even Riley, I just felt like I couldn't catch a break.

I needed some sort of change, and there was only one way to make it happen.

He was still number three on speed dial.

"Hello?"

I paused for a second before I said anything. "Um…hey, it's…"

"Haley…hey, I didn't think you were going to call." He says.

"Me neither," I answered honestly.

If I was being honest with myself, I would have admitted that I only told Reed I wanted to get back together because Nathan had rejected me. I don't know exactly what I was thinking when I called him but I guess a girl ultimately just wants someone to want her back and if Nathan didn't, I knew who to go to. Reed loved me.

Did I still love him? It's hard to say.

"Hey baby," Reed yelled out the window as he pulled up in his Range Rover. I had to admit he was looking cuter than ever in his short sleeved collared polo shirt.

When I opened the door and got in next to him he leaned over and kissed me; I winced at first, sort of surprised by his actions but he didn't seem to notice because he smiled brightly at me before pulling back out of my driveway.

It was silent for a moment after he started driving but he soon broke it, after looking over at me briefly. "Are you okay?"

I laughed softly at him and put my hand on his hand on the stick shift. "I'm fine…It's just…"

"You're having second thoughts?" He sighed.

"No, no…" I protested "…not at all. I like you Reed…it's just that sometimes I wonder…"

He interrupted me "…if I'm going to hurt you again?" When we stopped at a red light, he looked over at me and smiled sadly. "I know I messed up, Haley. I made a mistake, and I realize that now. You and I…we were great together. You understood me and I understood you. I want to be like that again, and I want to be like that…_with you_."

I could almost feel tears welling up in my eyes. "I want to be like that again too."

"And we can be…" he winked "…we will be."

That was all I needed to hear. Maybe I came into this with the wrong reasons but the way he was looking at me, the way he was making my heart skip beats again, I knew I had done the right thing. If I had chose Nathan, I would have seriously regretted it in the end. That much I knew. I leaned in and kissed Reed hard on the lips but we pulled away when the car behind us honked.

The light was green.

He laughed as he continued to drive and I took a deep breath of fresh air as I rolled down the window. School was going to be weird today, as much as I thought I had figured things out, I hadn't. This was just the beginning and I think that deep down, I knew that. Nathan wasn't going to just disappear; as much as I wanted him to.

Or as much as I _thought_ I wanted him to.

"Hold on…" Reed told me when we pulled into his parking spot. I furrowed my brow as he turned off the engine, removed himself from the car and came around to my side, opening my door for me. I laughed and rolled my eyes playfully "…don't look so surprised," he beamed, "I can be quite the gentleman."

"Also quite the dork…" I countered and he laughed, taking my hand and helping me out of the car.

I spotted Riley and Nathan getting out of his BMW and I quickly averted my eyes when Reed caught me looking. He didn't say anything, and I wasn't sure if he knew exactly why I was looking but I tried to cover it up and smiled in his direction. "Did you want to go say hi to Riley?" He asked and I quickly shook my head, telling him I'd see her later.

I wasn't sure if I was ready to face Nathan.

When Reed grabbed my hand and I accepted as I leaned my head into the crook of his neck. I liked having a boyfriend. I liked having someone look at me the way Reed looked at me. Sometimes I felt like Nathan looked at me like that but I had myself convinced it was simply a figment of my imagination.

Riley approached us later and to my relief, Nathan was nowhere in sight. "Are my eyes deceiving me?" She smiled. "Reed Matthews and Haley James…together? Like…together, together?"

I laughed. "Cute, aren't we?"

She shrugged. "Sickening is more like it."

I stuck my tongue out at her and received the same in return. Maybe things with Riley and I were a little off but in the end, she's the same old Riley. I just hoped whatever it was that was coming in between us would stop soon.

"When did this happen?" Riley asked, her arms around both of us.

"Last night," Reed said and then moved his head around Riley to give me a quick kiss on the lips. Riley made gagging noises.

"And I didn't find out until this morning?" Riley asked, laughing. "What kind of best friend are you?"

"The worst," I said jokingly. The truth was, however, I was only half joking.

"Hey, look I have to get to class," Reed told me, kissing my forehead. "I'll see you later?"

I smiled in response and he walked away, throwing a wave over his shoulder and then looking back to give me a cute wink. He's perfect right? He's sensible, smart, beyond cute, dorky in that cute loving sort of way and he loves me. So why wasn't it there for me?

I'll tell you why; it's that damn Nathan f ucking Scott!

I felt like a broken record. It's all I could think about, Nathan vs. Reed…Reed vs. Nathan. When would the pieces of the f ucking puzzle fall together? I mean, would they ever? Or was I going to be stuck like this for the rest of my life, between these two handsome boys?

_Wow; comforting._

Riley's eyes widened as he disappeared and she smacked me in the side playfully, a tremendous grin fully in place. "So, you and Reed, huh? This is big!" She shrieked. "There is hope for us all, yet."

I laughed. "Don't blow this up, Ry. Think of it as sort of a trial sort of deal…he shows any sign of his old ways and I'm dumping him without looking back."

She rolled her eyes as we began to walk down the hallway to our first periods. "Old ways? Reed had no ways, babe. He made a mistake and he realizes it. Give the fool a chance."

"I thought that was what I was doing…" I smirked and she glared at me playfully "…So anyway, I feel like you and I haven't talked in a while. Everything okay?" I saw it as my opportunity and I took it. Even I knew that getting her to open up completely was hopeless at the moment but at least I could say I tried.

She sighed and it was like the smile immediately fell from her face. "It's nothing, Haley. Honest."

I gave her my best puppy dog face. "Okay, if you say so. Just…know that I'm here, okay? When you want to talk…I'm here." I put out my pinky and she wrapped hers around mine instantaneously. "See you later, darling."

"Adios, my love," she replied dramatically before blowing me a kiss and walking into her classroom. I rolled my eyes at her and then continued walking down the hallway.

Maybe things were okay.

For those of you paying attention, I had last period with both Nathan _and _Reed, which for those of you who are not completely clueless means…drama. When I entered the classroom, I was the first one, as per usual. My math teacher usually lets us out early because he's always anxious to go home so I end up in this class earlier than the teacher. Sometimes it's nice, sometimes I get to finish up the homework that I had neglected the night before…but on that particular day, I just had to sit there anxiously waiting for the inevitable conflict.

Just my luck, Nathan walked in first.

"Hey," I acknowledged him with a nod casually and then looked back to my binder, pretending to do my homework.

I heard him stop but I didn't look up; I feared to look up. "Hi," he said. More footsteps were heard enter the classroom and when they did, Nathan started to walk towards me, taking the seat directly in front of me. "Look about last night…" he started and I looked up with a quizzically glance.

Was he going to apologize?

When our eyes met, he looked away and cleared his throat. "I…"

Before I could even get any kind of clue as to what he was about to say, someone called my name and low and behold, it was Reed. Good old Reed…

Didn't you just know that was going to happen?

"Hey baby," he smiled, leaning into give me a kiss. Nathan looked a little confused but immediately turned to Reed and smiled, showing absolutely no sign of disappointment at all. "Hi," Reed said to him and then looked over to me awkwardly.

"Reed, right?" Nathan said his voice triumphant and sickening to my ears. "I'm Nathan. Nathan Scott, perhaps you've heard of me…"

Reed shrugged. "Can't say I have."

Nathan looked amused as he turned to look at me and raised his eyebrow. "You don't say."

_Gulp._


	9. My Immortal

**Chapter Nine**

_My Immortal_**  
**

A week or two passed.

Nathan stayed out of my way and Reed and I got closer. Things were far from perfect but at least they were starting to fall into place. Whatever had been tweaking Riley was over because she was back in full on best friend mode and my lack of good judgment in guys had disappeared.

For the time being of course.

I still saw him; since we did share a class together and I had been hanging out at Riley's a bit but he seemed unfazed by my presence and I tried to have the same reaction. He wasn't seductive, he wasn't cold, and he wasn't rude. He was surprisingly normal and it was almost as if we didn't have this inane past that I had been trying to get over. He, evidently, seemed to have gotten over it all.

And that's what I wanted, right?

The worst part was though; I didn't know exactly what it was that had caused this sudden mood swing of his. For all I know, it had nothing to do with Reed. After all, he had upped and left me at my house that night and that could have been the end for us all together.

Regardless of whether or not I gained a boyfriend the morning after.

It was Friday night and clueless Riley decided that it would be a fabulous idea to have Reed over to her house to hang out since her mom was out of town. _"You guys can sleep in Mom's room…" _she had said _"…it'll be perfect." _and I knew what she was implying without having to ask. Keep in mind, Riley still thought I was a virgin and she thought that I wanted to lose it to Reed.

She was wrong on both accounts.

It's not like Reed couldn't have slept over at my house. But I had kept telling him that I didn't know when my parents were coming back so I didn't want to take the risk. It was partly true; I didn't know when they were coming back, but I also knew that it wouldn't be any time soon.

I guess you never know with them, though.

I gave Riley the same excuse so she thought that it would be perfect if we did it at her house. I kept on insisting that it would be weird but she kept pushing and pushing and I ultimately had to give in just so she would shut up about it all and I would stop having to lie.

I hated lying to her.

Unfortunately, I knew Nathan was going to be there and that just made things ten times worse. I knew Reed was expecting us to have sex since his face had lit up when Riley told him that we were spending the night at her house and that was enough to make me want to groan. Nathan's presence on this ever so amazing nice was simply icing on the cake.

"I'm excited for tonight," Reed said as we pulled out of my driveway and onto the street. I was so off in my own little world that I didn't even realize what he was saying.

"To hang out with Riley? We see Riley all the time…" I trailed off "…oh."

He smiled sheepishly and looked over to me, putting his leg on my thigh. "I don't want to push you, Haley. If you're not ready…we can wait."

I laughed softly. "Let's just see where the night takes us…"

He smiled and kissed me on the nose when we hit a red light. "For you…I'd wait forever. That is, of course, unless Angelina Jolie comes along…"

I laughed.

Why did he have to be so amazing about it all?

I turned up the radio and let a Keane song fill the car as we drove off. I softly tapped the window as I hummed the tune. It was a couple minutes later that I felt him watching me so I turned to him and smiled. "What?"

"It's just…can I ask you something?"

I frowned. "Of course. What's up?"

He turned his head forward and gripped the steering wheel tighter. "I don't know if this is any of my business but…okay, I know that when we were together you hadn't really…been with anyone and I was wondering…"

_Oh god, here it comes._

"…you know, are you still…I mean, have you…been with anyone?"

He was so cutely shy about it that it almost made me want to smile but then I realized that I had to answer it and I immediately wanted to cry. "Reed…" I started but he shook his head and smiled awkwardly.

"No, you're right…it's none of my business. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked that." He closed his eyes for a second before opening them and taking a deep breath. "I'm sorry…" he said again.

Silence.

I studied him for a second and found that I wanted to be honest with him. I was sick of lying to everyone and I felt like it was something that I needed to get off my chest. If I was going to have sex with Reed, I needed him to know that it wasn't my first time because that would have been way too deceiving. "I have," I whispered.

He looked over abruptly. "What?"

"…been with someone. I'm not a virgin anymore." I said and then looked out the window so I wouldn't have to see his face.

"Oh…" he said finally "…oh, okay. I mean, that's fine…I just thought…can I ask with who?"

I shook my head. "I'd rather not say if you don't mind."

We drove the rest of the way in silence.

When we reached Riley's house, I was starting to feel like I had made a terrible mistake. He hadn't talked to me at all and it was freaking me out. Maybe being honest wasn't the best thing to do in this particular situation. He rung the doorbell and we just stood there for a second, waiting, without a word passing between us.

Then I felt his hands grab both my shoulders and spin me to face him. I looked him straight in the eye and he did the same. "I don't care, Haley. I mean, I do care…just because I wanted to be your first but you know what, it doesn't matter anymore. I didn't expect you to wait for me." He smiled reassuringly.

"So you don't hate me?"

He laughed. "How could I hate a pretty girl like you?"

I smiled and shrugged. "I was wondering the very same thing."

Our kiss would have lasted longer if the door hadn't opened and Nathan hadn't been inside the house, grinning like a maniac. "How cute."

"You didn't tell me Nathan was going to be here," Reed growled but more at Nathan than at me.

"I didn't know," I lied.

Reed and Nathan hadn't really seen each other since Reed and I got together. We all did have the same class together but I made sure that I wasn't extra affectionate towards Reed while in that particular class and I tried to get Reed out as soon as the bell rang to avoid confrontation. When I went to Riley's on occasion, I made up an excuse why he couldn't come. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.

Until now.

"Where's Riley?" I asked.

"Oh you know…around," he said and I realized that he wasn't looking at me at all. He and Reed seemed to have some sort of staring contest going on and it was really hard not to fidget nervously at my spot on the doorstep.

"Vague," I answered, pushing past him and pulling Reed by the hand with me. "Riley?" I called up the stairs and seconds later, I heard her footsteps approaching at an alarming speed. I didn't even see her coming until she pounced on me and the two of us fell to the ground. She laughed uncontrollably and I did the same, only nervously. "Everything okay there?"

She smiled. "Of course, I'm just…you know, excited that you're here…with your boyfriend and you know…"

I eyed her suspiciously and she laughed, pulling me into the other room. "How are you not fucking excited about this?" She asked and then lowered her voice to a whisper. "You're going to lose your virginity tonight!"

I raised an eyebrow. "That's what's got you all weirdly happy? That _I _am going to be losing my virginity?"

She shrugged. "We're like the same person so it's sort of like I'm loosing mine too." The second she said it, a weird expression crossed her face and I furrowed my brow but she covered it up immediately with a laugh. "This is so perfect, Haley. I always knew you'd loose it to Reed."

_Hah!_

"Yea…" I mumbled and pulled her back into the other room.

When I entered, Reed put his arm around my waist and guided me into the living room. Nathan and Riley followed. "So, what did you guys want to do?" Riley asked, turning on the stereo and blasting The Postal Service.

"I don't know but where is the liquor?" I asked and Nathan scoffed beside me while Reed's grip on my waist tightened. "What?" I asked innocently. "I'm thirsty."

"And you couldn't quench it with lemonade?" Reed asked suspiciously.

I shrugged. "You're no fun."

Riley's mom hid the liquor in the basement. I'm pretty sure that she knew that we knew where it was but she didn't say anything. It was sort of a _don't ask don't tell_ sort of deal with Mrs. Scott. Reed asked to go to the bathroom and I told Riley that I would grab the liquor but Nathan insisted he wanted to go with me.

How Riley was still clueless was beyond me.

"So you two are pretty cozy," Nathan commented as I opened the basement door and flicked on the light. "I thought you didn't want to get into a relationship with him."

I walked ahead of him. "That's not really any of your business, now is it?"

He laughed. "Maybe it is…maybe it's not." He didn't say anything for a moment and all that could be heard was the bottles clinking together. "Why are you with him?"

I rolled my eyes as I grabbed some rum out of the cabinet, followed by a couple bottles of vodka. If I was going to get through tonight and I was going to "lose my virginity" with Nathan in a room nearby I was going to have to have some serious alcohol in my system.

"Can you just stop bothering me?" I said assertively and again, he laughed, grabbing some beer out of the fridge and already chugging one down.

"I don't think you want me to stop bothering you," he told me and I turned around to face him so that we were looking each other dead in the eye.

I shook my head. "I don't get you, Nathan." I said honestly. "Why did you leave me that night? I thought sex was what you wanted."

He looked at me confidently, raising an eyebrow. "It is."

I laughed bitterly. "Just not with me anymore. Got bored, huh?" He didn't say anything. I looked at him one last time before heading back up the stairs and calling behind me, "guess I made the right decision then."

Riley wouldn't let me drink that much.

When I tried to grab the bottle out of her hand she pulled it out of my reach and then widened her eyes at me. "You don't want to be drunk tonight…" Riley told me "…believe me." The outside pressure for me to have sex with Reed was becoming unbearable. I didn't want to do it, but I knew that I had to if I wanted to get Riley off my back.

As well as Nathan.

"So Reed…" Nathan started, grabbing his cup of rum and coke "…you and Haley used to date a while ago, right? I mean…how come you guys broke up?" His lips curled into a smirk as he looked over at me and I glared in response, moving closer to Reed and planting a long kiss on his lips.

"That doesn't matter…all that matters is that we are back together now. Isn't that right, baby?" I smiled, batting my eyelashes.

Reed winked. "That's right."

Nathan growled from his spot against the doorway and moved in to sit on the chair across from us, next to Riley. He took another sip of his drink and gave me a nasty look.

_I win._

"No, I'm just curious…" Nathan said again, obviously not letting this one go "…it must not have been anything serious if you guys are back together now. You didn't cheat on her, did you?"

Reed narrowed his eyes. "Not exactly…"

"I believe it is a yes or no question, Reed," Nathan said triumphantly.

"No." He said firmly. "I didn't. Can we not talk about this?"

I exhaled deeply. "Really. Hey Riley, can you _please _pass me that vodka over there?" Riley shook her head in response and then shot me a glance to which I chose to ignore. Things were just starting to get complicated and I was sure that was the last thing I needed at that point in time.

Nathan tried to tear apart Reed the entire night and I could tell that Reed was starting to get nervous but I tried to intervene as much as possible. I had to go to the bathroom extremely badly but I sat there the entire time, refusing to leave the two alone together.

That would have been my worst nightmare.

Riley was more excited about me "losing my virginity" that night than I was and it seemed to be all she was thinking about. It was starting to weird me out, to be honest and I would have called her on it but I didn't want to do it in front of Nathan and Reed and well, like I said, I wasn't about to leave them alone.

Eleven thirty rolled around and Reed announced that he was pretty tired, shooting me a wink that would have been really cute if I hadn't been dreading this all night. Riley seemed to agree and Nathan keep sending me suspicious glances, telling everyone that he wasn't tired at all. But Reed and Riley were, so I followed them upstairs and told Reed I would meet him in our room in a couple of minutes.

Riley, of course, wanted to talk to me.

"You're going to tell me all about it?" She asked and I reassured her with a nod. "You've been waiting for this like your whole life, Haley. Why do I get the feeling that I'm more excited about this than you are?"

_Because it's true._

"I am…Riley. I just don't want to jinx it," I assured her and she smiled.

"You're nervous, aren't you?" She said, grabbing my shoulders and pulling me so that we were facing each other directly. "Don't be nervous, Haley. It'll be fine. You and Reed, you're perfect."

"Thanks," I said and then gave her a hug. "Goodnight, Ry."

"Night babe."

I took a deep breath before entering the room. Reed was lying on the bed with his hands behind his head as he stared up at the ceiling, completely motionless. "Hey," I whispered softly and he looked up, smiling sweetly.

"Hey," he beamed and I watched him for a moment before making my way over to the bed and plopping down next to him. We were both on our sides, facing each other. He leaned in and gave me a soft kiss before leaning back to study my eyes. "Are you ready?"

I nodded reluctantly and he leaned in again, this time kissing me with much more passion. His hands were all over me and I felt myself trying to let go of all my thoughts, trying to simply focus on Reed and the moment. _This is right_, I convinced myself.

He pulled off my shirt and I did the same for him before beginning to unbuckle his jeans. "Did you bring protection?" I breathed into his ear.

He nodded and pulled away from me, reaching into his back pocket to find what I assumed to be his wallet. He suddenly frowned and patted his front pockets. "Shit. I don't know where my wallet is…" he said, breathing heavily. He turned to look at me and smiled sadly. "I must have left it at home."

"That's okay…" I said, trying not to sound so relieved "…maybe another night."

He shook his head. "No, I'm really sorry. Look, how about I just run out to the store really quickly and pick some up. It'll take like five minutes."

I sat up on the bed and put my shirt back on. "It's late, Reed. Don't worry about it."

He looked around the room. "Do you think Riley has some?"

I laughed. "I highly doubt it."

He nodded. "Okay…um…her mom?"

I closed my eyes tightly. "Ew…image…image…" I whined.

He laughed but then suddenly stopped. "Nathan probably has some. I'll just go ask him."

My eyes widened unexpectedly. "No," I said…a little too fast and a little too loud. "I mean, no…come on, you hate that guy. Why would you want to go and ask him?"

"There are more important things, Haley…" he laughed "…I can put my feelings aside for a couple minutes if it means being with you."

"I just…I just don't think that's such a good idea." I stuttered, my heart suddenly racing. Reed going to ask Nathan for condoms? And I thought them talking was my worst nightmare.

"Don't be stupid," he laughed. "I'll be right back."

I jumped out of the bed to prevent him from walking out the door. "No…" I said sharply "…I'll go. I mean, it'll just be easier, you know? He doesn't exactly like you and…I'll just, be right back."

Reed frowned. "Are you sure?"

"Positive," I squeaked, a fake smile plastered on my face. When he backed down, I sighed in relief and opened the door to enter the hallway where I tiptoed past Riley's room and stopped at Nathan's bedroom door.

The light was still on and there was a faint sound of music so I knew that he was still awake. I considered going back to Reed and telling him that Nathan was asleep but I knew that Reed would insist on waking him up. Reed wanted to have sex, and I knew that nothing was going to stop him at this point.

I knocked.

When the door opened, Nathan looked surprised to see me, just as I thought he would. "Can I help you?" He smirked.

I pushed past him and walked into his room, spotting the guitar on his bed. "Were you writing a song?" I asked.

He walked up behind me and then grabbed the guitar to put it up against the wall. "Yea…nothing special," he said, flopping down on the bed and motioning for me to do the same. "Just a few chords. I'm not much of a singer." I saw him watching me out of the corner of my eye but I didn't look up. I was still trying to work up the courage to ask him for a condom.

"It sounded good," I said.

"But you didn't come in here to tell me that." He laughed softly. "Did you?"

I sighed and looked up at him briefly before averting my eyes. "Reed and I…well, we are…you know, taking our relationship to the…" I cleared my throat "…next level…"

"Sex?" He asked abruptly and I looked up.

"Yea…and we don't have…" Why weren't the words coming out? God, I sounded like a fool.

"Condoms?" He laughed.

I gulped and started to play with my hands in my lap. "Yea. Condoms."

He didn't move for a second; didn't speak but then he got up and moved to his dresser where he opened a drawer and pulled out a couple. He tossed them on the bed and then retook his seat next to me.

I didn't reach for them.

"He wasn't prepared?" He asked.

I shook my head. "He lost his wallet."

"And you wanted him so badly that you were willing to come and ask me, your previous sex partner, if I had any condoms to spare?" He asked.

I shrugged. "I figured it was better than him coming."

He laughed. "Didn't want me to reveal anything from your past?"

I figured it for a rhetorical question.

I knew that I should probably get up but I didn't, I just sat there in silence with him for a moment or two until he finally spoke. "You like him," he said.

There was a long pause before I said, "He loves me." And I took the condoms from off the bed and made my way to the door.

His voice stopped me. "Haley…" he said and I heard his footsteps behind me. I turned around just in time for his lips to meet mine in a long and passionate kiss. He pulled away first and stared back at me.

"I'm still with him," I whispered, our lips only inches apart.

He nodded. "I know," he said before turning around and moving over to the bed where he picked up his guitar and played a few chords. I only watched him for a moment before turning back around and heading out the door, condoms in hand.

Before I reached Reed, I stuck them in my back pocket.

"Did he have any?" Reed asked when I entered the room and fell onto the bed beside him.

"He was all out," I replied before closing my eyes and blocking out everything.

"That's okay," Reed said and I smiled in spite of myself.


	10. You Don't Have to Be Strong

**Chapter Ten**

_You Don't Have to Be Strong  
_

I didn't have sex with Reed. It was hard to explain to Riley why that was without mentioning Nathan but I did so successfully, using the 'he didn't have any protection' excuse which was not even a lie really. I just didn't mention that I had gotten hold of some myself and then lied to Reed about doing so. She was disappointed and I figured it was simply because she had wanted to live vicariously through me but I don't know, there was something else too.

I just hadn't figured it out yet.

The next morning, Nathan and I exchanged a look in the kitchen while we ate breakfast but that was the extent of any acknowledgement towards the night before. I knew he was secretly wondering whether or not Reed and I had done the deed or not but I didn't give him any sign as to what he wanted to know.

I don't really know why.

Reed, of course, was very supportive of our decision. "_It's not about sex with me_," he had told me. And that had made it ten times harder to understand why it was Nathan I wanted and not Reed. It obviously _was_ about sex with Nathan, and Reed was willing to wait forever for me. The decision between the two should have been obvious.

But it wasn't.

Since we had a four day weekend and it was only Friday, Reed and his family set off on a ski trip somewhere by plane. He had asked me to come with him but I had told him that it was too early in our growing relationship. This meant I had three days to try and lay low; forget about all of my boy troubles and focus on Riley and figuring out what the hell her deal was. It's hard to dig into your best friend's life when you are worrying about your own.

Selfish, but true.

I saw Reed and his family off at the airport around noon on Saturday and decided that tonight was perfect to catch up with Riley. Not only did I want to figure out what was going on with her but I just wanted to see my best friend again, without any boys in the way. I had told her Reed was leaving and that I was thinking of coming over but it must have gone in one ear and out the other because she wasn't there when I showed up at her house around four in the afternoon.

She had been very forgetful lately.

"Mrs. Scott," I greeted as she waved me into the house. "I thought you weren't coming back until Monday. How was your trip with the doctor?"

She laughed nervously as I followed her into the kitchen. "It went shorter than planned on account of I decided to be honest and tell him that I had kissed another guy." She sighed. "Needless to say, he wasn't too thrilled." When I gave her an apologetic smile she shrugged. "It's my own fault for getting into a relationship that didn't mean as much to me as it did to him. I just, oh God, I don't even know." She opened the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water. "If there is one thing I've learned from this it's that playing it safe can only take you so far. If it stops you from going for what you really want, think again."

I raised an eyebrow. "You would think it would be simple."

She raised her bottle up at me. "Oh but it's not."

I laughed. "So is Riley around?"

She shook her head. "I thought she was with you. I must have misunderstood her. She's been acting strange nowadays; want to give me a hint as to why?"

_I don't even know._

"You know Riley…" I said with a nervous smile "…that girl is up and down. Who knows what's going on in that head of hers?" I stood silent for a minute before finishing with, "Well, if she's not home I'll just head out."

She took a sip of her water and then swallowed it before speaking. "Well, Nathan is upstairs. Maybe he knows where she is."

I forced a smile. "Thanks." I don't know why I did it but I went upstairs against my better judgment. My head was screaming for me not to go but I did anyway. When I reached his room the door was open so I let myself in and spotted him sitting on his bed. He was slipping on his shoes and looked like he was just about ready to go out.

He looked up and continued to stare for a second before looking back to his shoes and tying them. "Looking for Riley?"

I shrugged. "Sort of." I cocked my head towards his shoes. "Where are you going?"

It was a good few moments before he looked back up again but even then he didn't speak; he just studied me thoroughly and blinked. "Do you want to come?"

My eyes traveled around the room nervously and then landed back on him. He was still staring at me expectantly, waiting for an answer but I wasn't sure that my lips would allow me to say what it is I really wanted to say. "Where are you going?" I asked again but he still didn't answer me, he just watched me closely waiting for me to give him a yes or no answer. "Okay," I said finally and even I was surprised to hear the words leave my lips.

He didn't say anything, just left the room and left me to follow him, which of course I did. I was pretty sure that at this point I would have followed him off the ends of the earth. He just had that stupid affect on me, one that I'm sure Reed would never possess.

Obviously.

The car ride was longer than I had expected it to be, of course I had absolutely no idea where we were going so that made it all the much longer. He wasn't speaking either and he had turned the radio off seconds after we had pulled out of the driveway.

Silence was never something that I could handle.

"Why'd you get kicked out of school?" I blurted out and it seemed so absurd to hear my voice say but I stuck to it since I really wanted to know. He had sidestepped the question last time but I felt like I had gained some sort of trust with him lately and maybe this time, he would be willing to let me in on at least one of his many secrets.

He didn't look over. He didn't even throw back some witty comment with a smirk like I would have expected him to do. With Nathan though, I was learning, he never did what I expected him to.

That just wasn't his style.

"I got in a fight," he said finally when we stopped at a red light. He gripped the steering wheel tighter with the one hand that was guiding it and straightened up his shoulders.

I nodded and let it become silent for a moment once again before beginning to pry. "Over?"

He let out a tight smile that I'm sure wasn't really even a smile at all. He still wasn't looking at me. "A girl."

It was shocking to hear him say, so honestly but I tried my best to keep my cool. "I hope she was worth it," I joked.

He didn't smile. "I thought so at the time."

"And now?" I asked, my eyes not leaving the side of his face for a second.

"Well it doesn't really matter anymore," he said softly, "so why agonize over it?"

I nodded. "Who was she?"

He let out a sorrowful sigh and blinked a couple times before answering. "Alyssa Carter." At first, I thought that was all I was going to get out of him but it became clear that he was still thinking about it and when he finally spoke, it was almost as if it wasn't even to me. "We started dating the summer before junior year and things got serious pretty early on. For me, at least.

"We dated for seven months until I caught her with some guy on the football team, having sex in his car in the fucking parking lot." He laughed bitterly. "Needless to say it ended after that but…" he shook his head to himself "…I actually ended up begging for her to take me back. She didn't.

"Then a week before school ended, one of her friends blurted out something about her and my best friend, Matt. Turns out they had been hooking up since a month into my relationship with her." He scoffed. "At basketball practice that day, I knocked him out, right then and there. The principal said I could finish up the school year but that I wouldn't be coming back next year."

I just sat there, listening. I don't think I'd ever heard Nathan say that much in all the time that I had known him. Sure, his past was mysterious but I had never thought that he had gotten his heart broken. I mean, Nathan? I was sure he had been the way he was now his whole life…but apparently I had been wrong.

About a lot of things.

He finally looked over at me but it was only a matter of seconds before he turned back to the road. "Were you in love with her?" I asked, almost in a whisper.

He laughed. "No one loves anyone, _Haley_…not really, anyway."

I frowned. "You don't really believe that."

But he didn't answer. Instead, he just continued to drive and after a moment or two I gave up asking, turning to look out the window and noticing the record store that Lucas and I hung out in on my right. We were far from home, that's for sure…way across town. Lucas and I drove all the way out here because we didn't want to run into anyone we knew, I wondered why Nathan drove all the way out here.

But I was about to find out, I suppose.

It was dark when we reached his destination and I was half asleep in the passenger's seat of the car. It had been silent for some time now and there had been nothing for me to do but rest my eyes. He shook me lightly to wake me up and gave me a sort of half smile when I opened my eyes. I stepped out of the car and into the cold breeze, shivering involuntarily.

"Where are we?" I asked groggily, turning to watch as Nathan slowly approached me and we stood on the sidewalk. We were standing at the end of the path that lead to an old Victorian house with a beautiful garden. I looked over to him quizzically and for the first time since we had left, he really looked at me.

"My mom's house."

I furrowed my brow as I looked back to the house. Nathan had never mentioned his family at all and come to think of it, Riley had never mentioned his family either. From what I knew he had lived in Charleston and we certainly weren't in Charleston.

So then, he hadn't been living with his mom?

We walked up the path and Nathan sighed but I could tell he was trying to do so secretly. He rung the doorbell and seconds later, I heard footsteps approaching the door at an alarming speed. The door swung open and a little girl who couldn't have been any older than six greeted us with the most energy I had ever witnessed in my life. "Nathan!" The girl cried out and launched herself onto him, reaching a little bit higher than his waist. He wrapped his arms around her and smiled.

She was followed by an older blonde woman, "Molly! What are you doing? How many times have I told you not to answer the door without checking to see who it…" she trailed off as she noticed us "…Nathan?"

He smiled weakly and moved his hand to the top of Molly's hair, stroking it gently. "Hi, mom," he said kind of nervously and I realized that I had never witnessed a more vulnerable Nathan "…does that offer for dinner still stand?"

She broke out into the happiest smile I had ever seen and enveloped him in a hug, Molly still in between them. "Of course it does, Nathan. You know that you are welcome in this house whenever you like." It took her a couple of seconds to notice me, but when she did she smiled warmly. "Oh how rude of me, I'm Deb. Are you Nathan's girlfriend?"

I took her hand graciously but it was Nathan who introduced me. And I was quite curious how he was going to do so. "This is Haley," he said, stepping closer to me and forcing Molly to half let go of him. "Haley, this is my mom and my sister, Molly."

I smiled down at the little girl and she smiled back. "You're very pretty," she told me and I laughed out loud, blushing nervously. Nathan looked down at me, amused as always.

He loved to see me blush, even if it wasn't at something he had said.

We walked inside the house and Molly immediately pulled Nathan up the stairs; he just shrugged and followed her. Mrs. Scott told me that she was going to prepare dinner and that I could look around the house if I wanted. My feet lead me to the room where Molly had dragged Nathan, curious as to how he handled her.

I stood at the edge of the doorway, careful not to be seen. Molly had a puppet theater set up on the opposite corner of her room and she was currently preparing her show as Nathan waited on a seat across from it. I smiled to myself, treasuring the way he seemed so interested in her. She opened up the curtains to her theater and announced that the show was about to begin.

Nathan clapped.

When the adorable show was over, she moved over towards Nathan and sat in front of him, her hands on his knees. "Did you like it?" She asked eagerly and it was obvious to me that his opinion definitely mattered to her.

He smiled. "You have a future in show business," he told her and I rolled my eyes with a smile on my face.

She seemed to be pleased with this answer because she giggled in delight. "Just like Daddy."

His eyes glazed over and the smile almost disappeared but as quickly as it left it came back and Molly didn't seem to know the difference. "What does your daddy do?" He asked her and she looked up at him with confusion in her eyes.

"We don't have the same daddy?" She asked. "Mommy said you are my brother."

He smiled. "I am, we just have two different daddies. You'll understand when you get older," he assured her, ruffling her hair a bit.

"Okay," she shrugged.

I watched him play with her for a bit longer before walking back down the stairs and down into the kitchen where I found Mrs. Scott. I asked her politely if she needed help and she smiled graciously. "That would be wonderful, Haley." She told me. "And you can tell me all about Nathan."

I frowned. "I don't know if I'd be much help. He's a closed book, Mrs. Scott."

"Ms.," she corrected. She nodded, passing me some lettuce to put into the salad. "Just like his father." She stared longingly out the window. "I should've known he'd grow up like that living with that man." I made the salad in silence until she finally looked up and asked me, "But he's okay, right?"

I blinked, smiling to myself. "He's a good guy."

She scoffed sadly to herself and stirred whatever it was she was making, her eyes beginning to fill with unshed tears. "No thanks to me. God," she said regretfully, "I've made so many mistakes. I love Molly to death, but sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake by leaving Nathan with his father."

"We all make mistakes," I assured her. "It appears to me that Nathan has forgiven you."

What it is she did, I had no idea but the vibe I was catching at the moment was something having to do with infidelities and abandonment.

She smiled to herself and I got the same feeling I had gotten in the car with Nathan, the feeling that she wasn't even talking to me. "When he showed up here a week and a half ago, I thought I had gone absolutely crazy. I hadn't seen him in five years and he refused to return my phone calls. It was like I was dreaming or something; I thought it was too good to be true. I don't even deserve his forgiveness. Not after I abandoned him."

We heard a loud bang come from the room above us that was followed with a little girl's voice screaming, "WE'RE OKAY!" at the top of her lungs.

Mrs. Scott laughed softly to herself and looked over to me finally. "She loves him, Molly does. She's only met him one other time before, a week or so ago, but it was like they had this instantaneous connection. She hasn't stopped talking about him since he came by."

And so that's when one of the Nathan mysteries was unraveled. The night when I had run into him at the record store had been the night that he had come to see his mother. The fact that Nathan seemed to be letting me in on this supposed secret of his obviously meant that he was making some sort of gesture.

What that gesture was, I had no idea.

"Where is Molly's dad?" I asked.

"Your guess is as good as mine," she answered with a sigh.

It was obvious to me, at dinner, that Nathan and his mom had a lot of unresolved issues and coming here was not only taking a step forward with me but with his mom as well. She had abandoned him when Molly was born and I don't think Nathan had appreciated it much, as would any one else in that situation, but he was starting to see that seconds chances weren't a lie after all.

And I was too.

It was weird to see Nathan in a different light, but that is exactly what I had when the door to his mom's house opened. There was so much more to Nathan that I had previously thought and maybe I had given up on him too quickly in the beginning. But just because Nathan wasn't such a bad guy after all, didn't give me the happy ending I wanted.

And it didn't mean that I was going to dump Reed.

Things are much more complicated than that. Like, I didn't want to be alone and who is to say that when I dumped Reed, I could move on with Nathan. Nathan hadn't made any sort of indication that he wanted me to be his girlfriend and I was sure that I couldn't just be his f uck buddy anymore.

"We have an empty guestroom," Mrs. Scott said as she got up and began to clear the dishes, when I offered to help she waved me off. "It's so late…maybe you two should just crash there and leave in the morning."

Molly smiled up at Nathan and me from her seat. "You can read me a story!" She announced and then ran up the stairs before either of us could protest.

Ms. Scott laughed and I could tell that she was happy that Molly didn't seem to want to take no for an answer because Nathan had seemed hesitant at first. "I'll call your aunt, Nathan and Haley; do you want me to call your parents?"

I laughed softly to myself. "Don't worry about it, believe me, they won't even know I'm gone."

Mainly because they are never there.

Ms. Scott smiled sadly and then got up to go into the kitchen, balancing the plates in one hand and the glasses in the other. Nathan and I had our first moment alone since we had gotten there as the door slammed behind her.

"Your mom is nice," I told him and he shrugged in response. "It must be hard, though."

He looked up to meet my eyes and knew immediately that I had been informed. "It was," he said, "it is. I vowed to never speak to her again when she left and when they were trying to send me here after I got kicked out of school, I refused."

I smiled sadly, and continued to watch him as he spoke.

"When I drove down here a week and a half ago, it was to yell at her.; to tell her how horrible she was for just picking up and leaving me with my father. But then I saw Molly, and I couldn't do it."

I nodded. "She seems to like you."

He smiled to himself but didn't respond.

I let Nathan read Molly the story simply because I knew she wanted him to do it. When he was finished, he turned off the light, kissed her on the forehead and led me out of her room, into the guestroom where of course, there was only a queen sized bed, much like I had expected.

I watched him grab a couple of blankets out of the closet and I made my way into the connecting bathroom, finding two clean toothbrushes and some toothpaste to which I used. I looked up to my reflection in the mirror and pulled a couple strands of hair out of my eyes, frowning. When I came back out into the room, Nathan was already under the covers.

Eyes closed.

"Hi," I said into the dark and he opened his eyes to look directly at me. "I'm just going to sleep on the floor," I said awkwardly and reached over him to grab a free pillow. He grabbed my arm gently and I looked back over to him.

"Its okay, you can sleep here, Haley. I won't make any moves on you, I promise." There was sincerity in his voice so I smiled weakly and walked around to the other side of the bed where I flopped down gently, not pulling the sheets over me. "Did you have sex with him?" He asked suddenly and I blinked twice before answering.

"No," I said.

His breathing was steady. "Because of me?"

"Because of a lot of things," I said and then let silence overtake us. A minute passed and I didn't know if he had fallen asleep or not but I tried anyway. "Why'd you leave that night?" I asked. "I mean, I thought we were having a good time and then you just…up and left." When he didn't answer, I tried again. "Nathan?"

He shuffled around in his bed. "Because you deserve better."

I looked over at him, surprised by his answer. It was most definitely the last thing I had expected him to say. "Then why'd you kiss me last night?"

He exhaled deeply and turned his head to face me so that our eyes could meet. "Because I couldn't help myself." His stare was intense and I could feel myself pulling closer as I watched him do the same. He was going to kiss me and I was going to let him until a sudden thought triggered me to stand up abruptly and move towards the bathroom door, away from him.

"Don't," I said.

But he was too quick for me and he managed to get up and grab my arm to pull me as I reached the knob. "Don't what, Haley?"

My hands flew up in frustration and put pressure on my temples. "Don't confuse me. I was perfectly fine with thinking that you were some heartless man whore who could care less about me. It made things so much easier," I cried.

He laid his hands gently on my waist and I tried to avert my eyes. "Why did that make things easier?"

I looked up and then looked back down, focusing on the logo of his jacket. "Because I can't care about you."

"Why not?" He asked, placing his hands gently on my hips.

I looked up to meet his gaze and there was a long pause before I said in a barely audible whisper, "Because you'll hurt me."

He nodded.


	11. Behind These Hazel Eyes

**Chapter Eleven**

_Behind These Hazel Eyes_

We didn't speak at all the rest of the night. He was the first to get back into bed but I soon followed him. It took me hours to actually fall asleep and not to sound like a complete baby but I'm pretty sure I shed a few tears. How hard is it to so badly want something that is so close you can practically taste it, but at the same time know that you probably won't ever be able to have it?

Very hard; not to mention frustrating.

We woke up early the next morning and after a heartbreaking goodbye to Molly, Nathan set off down to the car leaving me behind to say goodbye to his mother. Molly screamed all the way up the stairs, not wanting Nathan to go and Ms. Scott, who insisted I called her Deb, stayed behind, watching her son's retreating figure. "I hope you got a good night sleep, dear." She told me and I nodded appreciatively, thanking her before beginning to follow after Nathan myself. "Haley," her voice stopped me and I turned around, waiting for her to speak. "If it's not too much trouble, do you think you could convince Nathan to come back?"

I smiled. "I don't think I'll need to," I reassured her and she returned the smile before closing the door and leaving me to get into the car with Nathan.

He didn't talk most of the way; we couldn't have been less than a half hour away when he finally said something. "I'm sorry," he said and it was so out of character that it made my heart skip a beat.

"For what?" I asked, trying my best to sound uninterested as I continued to stare out the window.

"Confusing you," he almost whispered but I could hear him. His voice was gentle and it caused me to turn around to face him. "I thought that maybe bringing you up here would show you that I'm actually not that bad of a guy, but, I guess that I should've just left you thinking I was. It was easier that way, right?"

I thought back to the day that I had met him, the day that he had so comfortably taken off his clothes in front of me and compared it to him now; so vulnerable, so apologetic. It was weird to think that someone could change so drastically but I realized that he had pretty much been this person all along.

He was simply hiding it.

"I always knew you were a good guy, Nathan." I admitted out loud, which surprised even me. "That was never the issue. The issue is whether or not you are a good guy for me."

He paused. "I'm not."

I shrugged. "To be honest, I don't know. But what I do know now, is that Reed isn't either. I can't be with someone just because they're…" I sighed "…safe. You know? I need someone who's not safe but safe at the same time." I laughed to myself. "I'm pretty sure that doesn't even make sense."

"It does," he told me and laughed lightly. "It really does."

I smiled at him for a moment until he looked over to me with an eyebrow raised. "You know, you sure were a surprise." I said finally, feeling as if I was joking but I knew I really wasn't.

"In what sense?" He asked.

"In the sense that you really aren't as tough as you make yourself out to be."

He laughed. "Don't tell anyone."

And that's how it happened. That's how Nathan and I got to be friends. Friends. How weird is that? I mean, out of all the things I expected Nathan to be, a friend was not one of them. With all the sexual tension between us and the vulnerability he always left me with after I ran into him, I thought it was nearly impossible.

But it wasn't.

Sure, Nathan is not the kind of _friend_ Lucas is. But I haven't ever slept with Lucas, and I certainly don't have any feelings for Lucas. Part of me knew that I would always have feelings for Nathan, and that's why being _friends _wasn't as easy as you would think.

History can complicate the future.

School on Wednesday was a drag. The day back to school after a four day weekend usually is a drag anyway, but I knew that things were about to get messy and I wasn't exactly ready to face it. Reed had called me a million times over the weekend, and I hadn't returned his calls. I didn't want to break up with him over the phone but I didn't want to have to act all in love with him and be lying straight to his face.

Not that I hadn't been doing that already.

But it seemed harder to talk to him when I knew I was going to break up with him anyway. So I didn't return the poor guy's phone calls and had Riley and Nathan take me to school so that I didn't have to catch a ride with him. I know it was a bitch thing to do, and in some ways I felt bad but I also knew that this was what I had to do.

"So you're breaking up with him?" Riley asked from the passenger's seat and I sighed behind her.

"It's complicated, Riley. Just drop it for now, okay?" I pleaded and I saw her shrug in the mirror, obviously not wanting to drop it but realizing that prying wasn't going to get her anywhere. "Anyway, you should be happy; this way I have more time for my best friend."

"Just when I thought I had gotten rid of you," she said with a dramatic sigh and I kicked her seat to which received a scowl from Nathan. Of course, I did it again just to get a rise out of him and he glared at me playfully. It felt nice not to have any kind of tension between us and it also made me realize that I could get along better with Riley now.

Reed was leaning against my locker, waiting for me. I saw him from afar and stopped walking to watch him for a second. I didn't want to hurt him, but I knew that I couldn't be with him anymore, even if I couldn't be with Nathan either. I let out a sigh before continuing to walk towards him and when he noticed me, he suddenly stood up, coming towards me.

I bit my lip.

"You didn't return my phone calls," he said and I smiled awkwardly before averting my eyes. He took his front finger and used it to pull my chin up to meet his eyes. "Why didn't you return my phone calls?"

I closed my eyes as he entwined his hand in mine. "We need to talk."

I heard him scoff. "You're breaking up with me," he stated and I opened my eyes to see him looking slightly annoyed. "Of course you're breaking up with me."

"Reed…" I protested but he dropped my hand and shook his head "…can we please just talk, I want to explain…"

"No need," he nodded. "It's fine. I'm fine. Don't worry about it, see you around."

My heart broke. "Please…" I pleaded but he continued to walk away and I watched him walk all the way down the hallway before he disappeared completely. I wanted to cry, I'd never felt like this bad of a person in my life and it scared the hell out of me. My entire existence, all I wanted to do was please people and now, I had hurt someone who had really cared about me.

I knew how it felt to be in Reed's position.

And I had always promised myself that I would never hurt anyone like that, not in a million years. But then reality struck, and I knew that I was going to have to break a few hearts to be able to be happy myself. It seemed selfish, it _was_ selfish but it was something I needed to do.

And deep down, I always knew that.

"He'll be okay," I heard from behind me and I turned to find Nathan who had obviously witnessed the whole thing. "There are worse things that could have happened."

I smiled weakly. "He must hate me."

He shook his head and looked me directly in the eye. "He doesn't."

"How can you be so sure?" I asked, moving closer.

"Because I've been that guy, and no matter how much you want to hate them, it's impossible considering how much you love them." He said and it wasn't until I felt the tear drop onto my chest that I realized I was crying.

I looked at him, he looked at me and before I knew it I was in his arms, holding on for dear life. He was hesitant at first, it took him a while to place his arms around me as well, but when he did, I felt them tighten and I sobbed openly onto his shirt.

It felt kind of off to be the one crying when I was the one who had broken up with him.

I wasn't crying for Reed though, I wasn't crying because I missed him or because I thought I had made a mistake, I want to make that clear. I was crying because I was overwhelmed; crying because I knew how it felt and I hated that I had made someone feel that way.

"I have to get to class," I said when the bell rang and we were left standing in the middle of the hallway. I looked up at him with my tear stained eyes and smiled weakly.

He looked down at me and nodded. "Me too."

The week went by and Reed of course, avoided me. When avoiding me wasn't possible, he ignored me and I pretty much understood why. I tried to apologize a couple of times but it was no use; he didn't want to hear it.

I wouldn't have wanted to either.

Nathan and I were trying to be friends but it was proving to be difficult given our history. I wanted to kiss him every time I came within a mile radius but I knew that I couldn't if I didn't want to get hurt.

And I didn't want to get hurt.

Riley wouldn't open her mouth to tell me what was going on and the poor I pried, the more she got defensive. _"Trust me," _she would say and as her best friend, I felt it was my duty to do just that. She was disappearing a lot, acting strange sometimes and spacing out on me but I let it roll for the time being, knowing she would tell me when she was ready.

I just hoped that time would come soon.

It was Friday night and Riley had invited me over. Lucas picked me up around eight or so and we headed over there. Lucas and I hadn't been talking much lately and when we pulled up in front of her house, he finally opened his mouth. "I don't think this whole friends thing with Nathan is going to work out with you, Haley."

I stopped and looked at him quizzically. "Why not?"

"Because you don't want to be friends with him," he said simply.

"I can handle a friendship…" I assured him "…it's okay."

He sighed and put his arm around me as we walked up the path. "I just don't want you to get hurt, Hales. I'm trying to look out for you."

"I know," I smiled at him diagonally. "And I love you for it. But either way, I'm going to get hurt."

He shrugged. "That's life, right?"

"You're so useless," I teased him as we let ourselves in.

We found Riley in the kitchen, licking her fingers. "I made whipped cream," she announced and my eyes widened in excitement as I dipped my fingers in the bowl myself. "I thought you might have that reaction," she said proudly. "I felt like having hot chocolate."

I smiled as I saw a cup full of steaming hot chocolate in front of me and looked up at Riley thankfully. I took a sip and swallowed. "You are a God. I knew you were my best friend for some reason." I took another sip. "So what is this, like a bribe? Uh oh. What do you want me to do?" She smiled sadly and Lucas fidgeted beside me. I looked back and forth between the two and gave them a funny look. "Did I miss something?"

Riley opened her mouth to speak but the voice that I heard next wasn't hers. "I didn't know we were having company…" Nathan spoke and Riley look relieved beyond belief that he had showed up when he did.

I turned around to meet Nathan's gaze, trying to ignore the flutter in my stomach that I was used to feeling when around him. "I figured I'd ease the pain of being with Lucas by mixing with company," I teased and Lucas glared at me playfully.

The door bell rang.

"I'll get it," Nathan announced and immediately left the room to go get the door.

"I wonder who that is," Riley said, dumping more whipped cream into her hot chocolate.

When Nathan came back, he wasn't alone. With him was a beautiful blonde who I recognized as a girl from my homeroom. I sucked up the jealousy after reminding myself that I wasn't supposed to care and smiled at her. "I'm Haley," I introduced myself.

"You're in my homeroom," she smiled sweetly and I nodded. "I'm Terra."

Riley and Lucas introduced themselves and I excused myself to the bathroom. I wasn't supposed to still like him. Sure, it was normal to still have some sort of jealousy but I had always pegged myself as someone who wasn't like that.

An independent someone, if you will.

And it's not like he wasn't supposed to have fun. I didn't have any kind of hold on him. I didn't break up with Reed to be with Nathan, I broke up with Reed because I didn't like Reed the way he liked me, not because of Nathan.

At least, that's what I kept repeating over in my head.

When I returned, Nathan's arms were draped all over her and it took every strength inside me not to roll my eyes. I liked Terra, she wasn't a bad girl but it was really hard to continue to like her when I saw Nathan's hand drop from her lower back to her ass.

She didn't seem to mind.

Lucas placed his hand on the small of my back and leaned into whisper questioningly. "You alright?" He raised his eyebrow when I gave him a shrug and though I knew he didn't believe me, since Lucas never does, I just ignored it. "I didn't know Nathan had a date. Riley didn't mention it. I'm sorry."

I pulled his arm around me. "Well, I brought a date too."

"Who, me? How much are you paying?"

I laughed sarcastically and it soon turned into a glare. "Play along, lover."

"I'm not playing the jealousy game with you, Haley." He said, removing his arm from my shoulder and smiling apologetically. "I love you to death but I just won't."

I nodded. "Worth a try, right?" I asked before glancing over to Nathan and Terra, gagging inwardly.

The night was long; slow and _long._ After I sat down on the couch, Nathan and Terra sat down to the right of me, Nathan's leg barely grazing mine. He was back to his old ways it seems with his seductive tongue and suggestive glances only now, it wasn't with me.

It was with Terra.

She didn't seem to notice the tension. She even pulled me into the conversation a couple of times but Nathan looked bored and he kept on touching her secretly. I could only tell because she kept letting out squeals and giving him warning glances. He would simply look my way and shrug.

It was enough to make me sick.

And to make matters worse, at around eleven, Lucas and Riley disappeared to leave me alone with them. There was only so much I could take and without the support of my best friends, I thought I was going to burst into tears. When it became too much to handle, I started fake coughing uncontrollably and excused myself.

Neither seemed to mind.

"Riley, you have to tell her. You'll feel better once you do…" It was Lucas and his voice was in a hushed whisper in the hallway. I could tell that the 'her' he was referring to was me and obviously he was talking to Riley.

It took her a second or so to respond. "I know I have to tell her, Lucas but I don't want to. You know what happened the last time…"

"And you made up!" He exclaimed, though his voice was still hushed a bit. "Look, you guys are best friends…this isn't that big of a deal. The longer you drag it out…the more you'll be lying to her…and the more reason she'll have to be mad at you."

"I guess you're right," Riley sighed. "I'll tell her…"

"Tell me what?" I emerged from behind the wall, a challenging look on my face. I looked from Lucas to Riley, both eyebrows raised. "Tell me what, Riley?" I asked again when she didn't say anything.

"I was going to tell you…" she said helplessly, stepping towards me.

I stepped back. "Well now's your chance."

"I know that we talked about Jesse and I told you that I was going to give him up but…" I knew what was coming "…it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be, Hay. I really like him, I mean…_really_ like him. And I know that you think he's not good enough but…"

"How long?" I choked out.

"Well, a couple days after you and I made up he came over and…"

"You've been lying to me for that long?" I asked in disbelief, my voice barely functioning. "Riley. If you really liked Jesse, you should have told me and I would have put aside my feelings so that you could be happy but you kept it from me. You're my best friend! You're not supposed to lie to me." I cried.

"I _did_ tell you how much I liked him!" She threw back. "And you didn't put your past feelings aside! What was I supposed to think, huh, Haley?"

"You didn't give me the chance to do anything. You started calling me a bitch, remember?" I spit out. "Or did you so conveniently forget that part? This is unbelievable. _You_ are unbelievable. There's like some goddamn rule, Riley. You don't date your best friend's ex boyfriend! Remember when I liked Timmy Cohen but you had already dated him so I backed off?" I closed my eyes, tears threatening to spill. Maybe it was stupid, but this was bugging me. All the lying, deceiving it had been because of some boy! She had picked some boy over me. "That's what best friend's do, Riley."

"I think I should head out…" Lucas whispered awkwardly and I turned to him, still raging.

"And you!" I scoffed. "You! You knew all along and didn't tell me? How could you lie to me?"

His eyes widened in disbelief. "Are you kidding, Haley? You are such a hypocrite."

I gulped. Sh!t. He was right.

"Why is she a hypocrite?" Riley asked him but she was looking directly at me.

Lucas looked around the room nervously as Nathan and Terra, who had heard all the yelling, came to join the party.

"Why is she a hypocrite?" Riley repeated.

"You know what; I think you two should talk about this alone…" Lucas started to say but Riley cut him off.

"Tell me what he's talking about, _Haley_."

I averted my eyes from hers and then closed them before speaking. "I slept with Nathan."

When I opened them up again, her mouth was hanging open and it looked like she was trying to form words but it just wasn't working. Her eyes never left my face for a second.

She looked like she had just been slapped.

"You slept with Nathan." She repeated. I nodded, stealing a quick glance at Nathan but I couldn't stare long enough to see his reaction. "When?"

I gulped. "Which time?"

She laughed but it was hollow. "More than once?" She asked in disbelief, finally prying her eyes away from mine to look at Nathan. "I can't believe I didn't see it."

"You were too preoccupied with Jesse," I muttered but instantly regretted it when she looked over to glare at me. "It's true!" I exclaimed.

"Get out of my house." She said finally before turning around to walk out of the room. She wasn't yelling, she wasn't screaming; she didn't even have any emotion.

I felt like I had just taken a blow to the stomach.

My hand rose to my forehead and I felt tears beginning to pour out of my eyes. I smiled apologetically at the rest of the three in the room and then fled myself, walking out of her house and onto her front porch where I collapsed on the step, bawling my eyes out.

I guess I had brought this upon myself.

I hated crying almost as much as I hated being confused. I hated the feeling of the stiffness around my eyes when the tears had dried and I hated the feeling of being out of control; knowing I didn't have the power to stop. I hated that my tears were my own fault; that I wouldn't be in this position if I hadn't gone and done the things that before, had been so out of character.

I hated blaming myself.

"Hey," said a very feminine voice and I turned around to find Terra approaching me slowly; hesitantly. I hadn't expected her to be the one to come after me considering I didn't know her well at all but I was almost relieved that it wasn't Nathan or Lucas.

I was afraid I would lash out.

"Hi," I whispered, wiping away the wetness underneath my eyes with the palms of my hands.

She took a seat beside me on the step and handed me some tissues. "Don't stop on my account," she said sweetly. "I just thought you might need a shoulder to cry on."

I swallowed a sob and averted my eyes. "I'm such a mess."

She laughed lightly. "No, you're not. We all have our moments." When I didn't respond, she didn't push me. She paused for a moment before continuing to speak and I found myself listening, even though this was the girl who in my eyes had taken Nathan away. "I know what it's like to fight with your best friend," she told me. "Believe me. Remember, Michelle Carrie? She's in our homeroom. Anyway, we were best friends last year until she started dating the guy I was like, madly in love with. She lied to me about it for three months. I was right where you are…hurt, confused…"

"But at least you didn't have to feel guilty at the same time…" I reminded her.

She shrugged. "Not that time. But it's not like I've never felt guilty, Haley."

I laughed. "Yeah, but have you ever felt like a horrible best friend?"

She nodded. "Just give it time…Riley will forgive you, you'll forgive her and you'll go back to the way things were before. You are too good of friends for something like this to come between you."

"I don't believe that time erases anything," I told her, for the first time looking over at her. "We pretend it does…but it doesn't really."

I could tell she didn't know what to say because she looked away.

"I didn't know you slept with Nathan," she said softly. "But I guess it kind of explains why he was all over me when you were around. He wouldn't even touch me unless you were in the room."

I didn't believe her so I laughed. "Right."

"No, I'm serious…" she said "…if I had known you guys had a history I wouldn't have sat there and made out with him in front of you. I'm sorry."

I smiled weakly and took in a deep breath. "Thanks."

She nodded. "I should probably report back to Lucas and Nathan. They were both pretty worried about you but Lucas wouldn't let Nathan go check on you and Nathan wouldn't let Lucas so I just told them to shut up and followed you out myself. Do you want me to tell them you're okay?"

"Tell them I'm fine," I sighed. "Or that I will be anyway."

Again, she nodded. "Do you need me to take you home?"

I shook my head. "I want to walk."

"You live close by?"

I laughed. "Not really."

"But it's late…just let me take you home."

I smiled reassuringly. "I just need to clear my head, I'll be fine."

"Okay," she said and began to turn away but I stopped her.

"Hey, Terra?"

She turned.

"What happened with you and Michelle?"

She averted her eyes and sort of laughed nervously. "I decided she wasn't worth it." When she saw my face fall she spoke up again. "But Michelle isn't Riley. Every relationship is different."

I nodded and walked down the steps, continuing down the sidewalk.

I never realized how long the walk to my house from Riley's is and five minutes into it I wished I had taken Terra up on her offer. It was dark and every little noise was beginning to freak me out. When I heard a car honk from behind me, I jumped, my eyes widening in fear.

But I recognized the car.


	12. Another Lonely Day

**Chapter Twelve**

_Another Lonely Day_

It could have been anyone in that car. Riley, Nathan, Lucas…even Terra. I never would have expected Reed to come after me. Sure, he didn't really _come after _me. But he was there and I was there and I guess he sort of felt obligated to give me a ride. Of course, if I was in his position I would've hit the gas pedal and zoomed right by but Reed is too nice for that.

Remember?

When he pulled up next to me, he rolled down the window and sort of stared at me for a second, not saying a word. It was hard for me to stare straight back at him, into his eyes like I could with Nathan. I didn't feel like Reed was really looking at me like Nathan did, I just felt like he was staring at me blankly. I knew that he would never understand me the way I wanted him to. "Hey," he said finally, his lips barely moving. "You're out late."

I continued to walk but nodded, watching my breath against the cold air. "Just…clearing my head."

He looked over at the steering wheel briefly and then back at me, like he was debating with himself. "Do you need me to take you home?" It was hesitant and I figured he was probably trying to figure out if he could handle being in a moving vehicle with me.

I decided to save him the trouble. Hell, I knew that in his position I would want to be as far away from me as possible. "I'm okay, don't worry about it," I assured him. "I walked all this way, might as well finish what I started."

He sighed, looking completely away and staring directly at the steering wheel below him. His voice wasn't cold, it was just tired. "It's late, Haley. If you're trying to spare me, don't bother. I'm fine. Now, just get in the car...and I'll take you home."

I smiled weakly, not wanting to give in but realizing that putting up a fight was just going to make things worse than they already were. "Okay," I whispered.

I didn't want to get in the car because he wasn't the only one who feared the conversation we were about to have. I was deathly terrified of what _nice _Reed had to say because I had a feeling it wouldn't be so nice. Even the best fall down sometimes, right? And it hurt me to know that I had made him fall, that I had led him on.

I pulled the handle and slipped in, closing the door behind me. I could feel the tension, feel the anger he probably had built up inside of him and I could feel the tears still begging to pour. I was nowhere near done crying. In my eyes, I had simply lost my best friend over something so stupid and something that I was sure wasn't even worth it.

"You're crying," he said and I bit the inside of my lip. "Did Nathan break up with you or something?" I gasped inwardly and turned abruptly to face him. He however, was still looking anywhere but at me. "Come on, Haley," he sighed. "I'm not that stupid. I saw the way you looked at him, the way he looked at you. If you're going to do this to me at least be honest about it."

I closed my eyes and felt a few more tear drops fall. "I didn't mean to hurt you, Reed. That was never my intention."

"Maybe not, but you were never really there." He said, his voice trying to remain calm. I knew him well enough to know that he was trying to hold back from saying the wrong thing. He always wanted to say the right thing and he always did.

I think that's what bugged me about him.

Nathan never tried to say the right thing all the time. He was who he was, no excuses and it was refreshing to have someone say what they feel; something that I myself had never really been able to do.

"I'm sorry," I said, barely audible. "I tried, Reed. I really _really _tried. But I was running from something and I realized that my heart wasn't really in it like it was before."

"I was too late." He said, nodding. "I get it, but I wish you wouldn't have led me on like you did. It wasn't fair, Haley."

"I know that," I said, turning to face him and placing my hand on his knee. "And you'll never know how sorry I am." He jerked his knee away and it took me a second to collect myself before continuing. "I made a mistake. But you have to know, this isn't about Nathan."

"You're lying," he said and his voice was so sure that for a second, I believed him. "It is about Nathan. It was always about Nathan. But now that you can't have him, you're trying to convince yourself that you did it for you."

"You're wrong," I told him.

"So then tell me why you're crying," he demanded. "Tell me that it has nothing to do with him." I could tell that he expected it to be. He thought that Nathan had just broken my heart and though he had already, I could honestly say that I wasn't crying for him this time.

"It has nothing to do with him!" I said, raising my voice. When I felt my tears starting to fall again I swallowed a sob and looked away. "Indirectly, maybe but…" I paused, not ready to really admit it out loud "…I got in a fight with Riley."

He laughed, that hollow laugh that I thought I would never hear escape _his _lips. "About Nathan?"

"Sort of," I gulped. "But it was more about us; Riley and I. We were overdue for a good fight anyway." I laughed to myself. "We were lying to each other…and it scares me because, we shouldn't have had to. Maybe we're just…growing apart." I bit my lip again and sighed to myself, sort of forgetting that Reed was still there. "That's life though, right? I just never figured it for something that would happen to us." He didn't speak for a minute, just drove. "I know you don't want to hear it," I said finally, my hands shaking a bit. "Because it's kind of repetitive, but…I really am sorry. I made a mistake…"

"…and broke a heart in the process…" he finished.

"Or maybe more," I whispered to myself before he pulled up to my house.

I didn't want to end it here with him, with no closure or anything. I felt like it was so unresolved and I wanted to have some sort of control over something. But I knew that at this point, I had to wait for him to come to me, if that would ever happen. And no matter how many times I apologized, it wouldn't matter.

Because it's not about what you say, it's about what you do.

But is it really about what you do? Isn't it ultimately about what you did? Or is that just crazily cynical? Because shouldn't people be able to realize their mistakes and change? Are second chances really a lie?

Why do things like this always make you question everything?

"Night," he said and I nodded sadly, beginning to open the door but stopping.

"Do you think we'll ever be able to be friends, Reed?" I asked, my voice so vulnerable and so fragile. "Like, real friends?"

There was a long pause before he spoke again and before any words formed in his mouth, he sighed. "I don't think so," he said honestly and took one last look at me sadly before putting the car back into gear. "Seconds chances are a lie, remember?"

I laughed sadly. "But isn't this our third?"

He nodded. "Goodnight, Haley."

"Goodnight," I whispered to no one as I heard the car drive off in the direction of his house. "I'm sorry." I didn't watch him leave though; somehow I thought he might be flicking me off.

That's what I deserved anyway.

I thought about Riley as I walked into my house. Everything seemed to remind me of her considering she and I had mostly grown up in this house together. The reason one of the floorboards for the porch is loose is because she fell through it when we were seven. The second post to the left has our heights on it all the way up to when we were fourteen. I can see a picture of us on the mantel through the porch window.

And it makes me more sad than I could ever tell you.

Because I know what we fought about was stupid and I know that something like this shouldn't tear apart a friendship, but for some reason, I know that it has. Because it was about so much more, it was about lying, it was about betrayal and it was about the distance that we had subconsciously put between us.

I opened the door with my key but it was stuck, I had to push the heel of my foot on it to get it to open. There's nothing more frustrating that obstacles in your way when you've lost all patience. When the door closed behind me, I wanted to fall against it.

I was too tired to move.

But I made myself walk all the way to the couch before I collapsed, one leg hanging off the side. My head tilted to the right and I picked up a picture on the table beside me. It was solely of me when I was about fifteen, laughing hysterically about something that probably wasn't even that funny. I envied myself in the picture, so careless, so _with _a best friend.

I groaned loudly and threw the picture across the room. "This sucks," I said aloud and let my lips flutter. I hated feeling like this.

I sat staring up at the ceiling mindlessly for about fifteen minutes, overanalyzing, feeling sorry for myself, all the things one expects a teenage girl to do after a break up. But it wasn't even about that. Sure, I felt bad about Reed…but I wasn't wallowing over him, I was wallowing over the best friend I had potentially just lost and the boy toy I was supposed to be over by now.

I'm sorry to say it again, but _this sucks._

There was a knock on the door.

"No one's home," I yelled at the top of my lungs so that it would carry out the door.

The knocking continued.

"Fine, if you want to be bitched out then go ahead and let yourself in, it's open." I yelled and I heard footsteps enter the house and come closer. My vision was upside down but it was without a doubt, the cause of the fight himself. "What are you doing here, Nathan?" I groaned, annoyed before closing my eyes.

"I thought you might need a friend," he said, his voice calm. He obviously didn't seem to care about my hostile tone in the least.

"So then why are _you_ here?" I bitched.

I heard him sigh and move closer but I didn't budge, and still didn't open my eyes. "I know you're upset right now but don't take it out on me, I didn't do anything."

"Like hell you didn't," I laughed, finally opening my eyes and sitting up. "I wouldn't be in this situation if it wasn't for you and your stupid games. I might still have a best friend if you didn't bring it upon yourself to lure me into your bed like some Goddamn moth to a flame."

He scoffed. "I didn't tell you to lie to her about it, Haley."

He was challenging me.

"I wouldn't have had anything to lie to her about if you had just kept your dick in your pants." I screamed, standing up and standing directly in front of him. Suddenly, I wasn't so tired.

"Oh that's real nice, Haley. Blame it on me. It's easier than blaming yourself, right?" He said back, glaring at me.

"Why don't you tell me why you're really here, Nathan? To rub it in my face? Well, congratulations! You got to me, are you happy now?" I scoffed, narrowing my eyes at him. My throat was starting to hurt.

"Why is it so hard to believe that I'm here to see if you're okay?" He asked, averting his eyes so that he could roll them.

"Because you always have a hidden agenda! Always," I cried.

"That's not true and you know it," he said, his voice turning into a loud whisper. "I never deliberately tried to hurt you, Haley. You know that," he insisted. "And you can blame me for this fight all you want to, but deep down, you know it has nothing to do with me."

I closed my eyes. "It has everything to do with you."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night," he said and I could hear in his voice that he was turning away so I opened my eyes. Before he reached the door, he stopped. "We have our own issues to deal with, Haley…ones that don't involve Riley in the least. And when you're ready to face them, you know where to find me. But before we can deal with that, you need to pull yourself together and face whatever it is you're running from."

I gulped and watched him walk out the door, slamming it behind him. I winced at the loud sound it made and closed my eyes. When I finally opened them, my vision was cloudy. "I'm running from you," I whispered.

My mom came home the next day. "_I missed you_," she cooed and it took every strength inside me not to roll my eyes. If she missed me, she would be home; she wouldn't leave every second she got the chance too. She just felt obligated to say it, I suppose, so that she wouldn't feel guilty for leaving their youngest daughter alone.

It's a joke, really.

My dad was still in Fiji on a business trip. Why he would be in Fiji for business, I have no idea but I don't question it because I find it's easier to leave something unsaid. Like the affair I know both of them are having. Why they don't just get a divorce is beyond me.

I wonder if they think they're doing it for me.

The problem with my mom being home for the weekend is that it means I can't sit around the house and mope. It means I have to go out into the world where I will probably run into at least one of the people I'm avoiding. It's a small town.

Too small.

"Hunny, where are you going?" My mother asked as I tried my best to tip toe down the stairs.

"Oh, just over to Riley's house…" I lied "…I'll be back later."

She smiled and picked the paper back up, sipping at her coffee. "Okay, tell her I say hello."

I scoffed quietly. "Sure, mom."

I didn't really have anywhere to go. I didn't really know if there was anywhere I wanted to go but I knew that staying cooped up in the house with my mother was worse than facing the outside world. I was willing to have a little bit of awkward tension if it meant escaping the fakeness that is my mother.

My feet carried me to the Café between my house and Riley's. We used to go there a lot when we were little to buy brownies and what not but somewhere along the way, we just stopped going. I never really thought about it before. As I opened the café door, I heard the bell jingle to signal my arrival. My eyes darted to the corner booth and there sat Riley.

It's funny how we both had the same idea.

She was all alone, sitting there staring at her cup of coffee as she stirred it with her spoon. Riley doesn't drink coffee so I figured it must have been a long night for her, just like it had been for me. I half expected her to look up and make things easier but she didn't, she just sat there, totally unaware of my presence.

It was probably better that way.

I cleared my throat and she looked up. When she saw me, however, she looked back down and didn't say anything. She wasn't going to make this easy for me, that's for sure.

"Are we going to talk about this?" I asked, sitting across from her.

She shook her head. "Not right now, Haley."

"Are your really mad at me because I slept with Nathan?" I asked, my voice lowering.

She shook her head again, still refusing to look up. "You lied to me, Haley."

"You lied to me too," I defended. "Can't we call it even?" I asked hopefully.

She sighed loudly but her eyes didn't stray from her coffee. "Maybe our friendship wasn't as strong and honest as I thought," she said finally, her voice barely a whisper. "I don't know anymore."

I stared at her for a long time, trying to figure out exactly what it was that she was thinking. It didn't make sense, why was she doing this? Did she not care enough to rebuild what we had? Is this her way of blowing me off completely? "What are you saying?" I choked out. "You don't want to be friends anymore?" I narrowed my eyes in disbelief; my shock turning to anger without warning. "Oh, that's great, Riley. Throw nine or something years away just because we're not as _strong and honest _as you thought?"

I couldn't believe her.

"That's not what I'm saying, Haley and you know it," she said, finally looking up. "What I am saying is that maybe we don't know each other like we thought we did. Maybe this was all a lie."

"Do you really believe that?" I scoffed. "What is up with you, Riley? Is this about Jesse, are you blowing me off because of Jesse?"

"This has nothing to do with him!" She huffed. "But what if it did, huh? You would be a damn hypocrite wouldn't you? Because you're throwing this away over some guy too…some guy who by the way, is going to get bored with you in a couple of weeks, days even."

I felt the tears coming back. "I didn't throw anything away," I whispered. "That's all you, Riley."

The worst kind of break ups are the ones with your friends. Boys come and go, but friends are supposed to be forever. And when one of your friends starts questioning your friendship, it hurts, more than anything any boy could say to you.

It's the worst kind of heart break.

I looked at her one last time and laughed bitterly to myself, rising from my seat across from her. "And just for the record, Nathan and I never really started." I paused. "Not really, anyway." And that was the last thing I said before making my way out of the Café.

I had lost my appetite.

At noon on Monday, I walked into the cafeteria where I usually sat, suddenly realizing that I was going to have to live the high school nightmare of sitting alone at lunch. I spotted Riley and Jesse at the table to the right of me and Nathan soon joined them, casting me a mysterious glance. Riley looked up at me, and then looked down and Jesse, aware of the tension, did the same.

He smiled awkwardly.

I let out a barely audible sigh and turned to walk in the other direction. Thankfully, I spotted Terra leaving a group of friends and beginning to sit down at an empty table. I made my way over to her and cleared my throat. She looked up. "Hey," she said, sort of surprised.

"Is this seat taken?" I asked sheepishly and she shook her head.

"It is now," she said and I took the seat across from her, beginning to stab my fork into the salad in front of me. Salad was the only edible thing in our cafeteria. "How are you?" She asked and it wasn't such a stupid polite conversation starter as it was a sly way of asking about the situation she had witnessed the weekend before.

I shrugged. "I screwed up, now I'm paying for it."

"Riley will get over it," she assured me, glancing in her direction. "Just give it time. I mean, all you did was sleep with Nathan…she's not going to disown you for something like that."

I raised an eyebrow. "Apparently she is. Only she says that it's because our friendship isn't as _strong and honest _as she thought it was and now she's questioning everything. You believe that? It's so ridiculous."

She was silent.

"You don't think it's ridiculous?"

She laughed nervously. "You want my honest opinion?"

"Of course."

"It's not ridiculous. In fact, it actually makes sense, a lot more sense than her being mad at you over something as stupid as you having sex with Nathan. She thought that you guys were better than all the lying and betraying and when she finds out your not, it freaks her out. She's probably just going through trust issues…I did the same in her position."

"And you never trusted her again," I pointed out, taking a bite of my salad. "I'm so screwed."

She shrugged. "Maybe…maybe not. Just stop worrying, the anxiety will kill you."

The way Terra and I talked, it was like Riley and I before all this started happening and it made me want to laugh and cry at the same time. I missed my Riley, but from the looks of her and Jesse together, she didn't feel the same.

"So did you talk to Nathan?" She asked. "I tried to convince him not to go after you when I told him you'd left but he's a stubborn bastard."

I nodded in agreement. "Yea, he came over. It was pretty ugly."

She raised an eyebrow. "Uh oh."

I laughed. "Yea. Uh oh is right. I totally flipped out at him, told him it was basically all his fault and he yelled right back. I feel pretty bad, I was out of line." I paused, glancing behind me to look at him. "But I think it's easier that we ended like that."

She scoffed.

"What?" I asked innocently.

But before she could open her mouth, I felt the bench shift and looked over to find Lucas, sliding in next to me, one leg inside the table and the other on the outside so that he could face me. "Do you hate me?" He asked. "You didn't return my calls all weekend and I was starting to worry."

"Lucas," I rolled my eyes. "I could never hate you even if I tried. You're innocent little Lucas, you wet the bed until you were ten."

His eyes widened and he looked over at Terra and shook his head. "She's lying," he assured her and she tried to stifle a laugh, nodding mock seriously and looking back down at her food. He looked back to me. "But I'm the reason you and Riley aren't speaking anymore," he said.

I laughed lightly. "Lucas, _I _am the reason Riley and I aren't speaking anymore. You simply made the inevitable come sooner than planned. It's not your fault." I wished I could blame Lucas, then I would have to blame myself…but I knew that I couldn't.

He pulled me in for a hug. "She'll come around."

"So everyone keeps saying…" I said, looking briefly over at Nathan and Riley.

"And so will he…" he whispered.

I laughed. "I don't know if I want him to."


	13. Bottle Up And Explode

**Chapter Thirteen**

_Bottle Up And Explode_

Another week passed.

Terra and I became fast friends. I never realized how very little friends I had until the one that I could always count on was not in reach. Terra recognized that she could never replace Riley; she knew how much Riley meant to me…and would always mean to me.

But it didn't make her any less great.

I didn't attempt to talk to Riley. She didn't attempt to talk to me either. Both of us needed space, that much was clear. It was only a matter of who was going to break first and I had a feeling that it was going to be me. Because it was becoming more and more difficult for me not to pick up the phone and call her and when we made eye contact, I nearly wanted to cry.

It was frustrating.

The same was for Nathan. He didn't talk to me, I didn't talk to him. I knew that I was the one who needed to apologize but I couldn't find the words whenever he was around. I shouldn't have yelled at him, that was much was true, but in some ways, he _had_ sort of been the problem for a while.

And it's not like he didn't owe me a million apologies from before anyway.

Friday night rolled around and since my mother was still in town, I decided that I needed to get out of the house. Parties were never my thing, Riley and I hadn't been very social with other people. But Terra had invited me to a party at one of her friend's house and I had accepted, dragging Lucas along as well.

Not that he needed to be dragged.

When Terra pulled up to the party, it was already in full swing. There was a couple making out on the roof, some guy streaking down the lawn and empty beer bottles thrown along the bushes.

I rolled my eyes at the sight.

As we entered, I was almost surprised to see Riley and Jesse together near the keg. Riley had never been much of a party girl either but I guess I was here so why couldn't she be? Neither noticed me and for that, I was grateful because I wasn't in the mood for any awkward smiles or worse, a fight.

I figured Riley would come to me when she was ready, if ever.

I watched her though; watched her interact with Jesse. She really did like him, this much I could tell. She was never much of a girlfriend, she was too independent for some guy to take over her life and I always admired that of her. So if she was willing to let Jesse in, there must have been something good about the guy.

I just had to push away the voice telling me he was no good for her.

I had already forgiven her for the whole Jesse situation. Because I was not willing to let some guy get in between us but apparently, she didn't feel the same. Because as far as I could tell, the reason she was pushing me away was because of Jesse. I didn't believe that it had anything to do with Nathan.

Truthfully, I didn't know what to believe.

I was not at all surprised though, to see Nathan at the party, hanging out with a few guys who I had met a couple of times through Lucas. He seemed fine from what I could tell, but why wouldn't he be, right? It's not like I was expecting him to be all depressed over me.

Who knows if I meant anything to him at all?

"Hey," Terra yelled over the music. "I'm going to grab a drink, let me know when you want to bail." She winked quickly before dragging Lucas over to the keg. Riley smiled at her and Terra nodded in response, casting a shrug my way. Lucas gave her a hug and I looked down so I wouldn't have to witness it.

I guess you could say that I was jealous.

The night for me was pretty much uneventful. Terra met some cute guy and tried to introduce me to his friend but it was clear within a matter of seconds that I wasn't interested and she smiled apologetically when I made some lame excuse of why I needed to go. Lucas hung out with Riley and Jesse a lot of the time, though he came to talk to me every once in a while. I could tell her sort of felt like he was being put in the middle of everything and I wished he didn't, but I couldn't help it.

Anyway, I wasn't the one who threw away the friendship.

Nathan had disappeared most of the night and I tried not to wonder where he was. I was still battling incoherently with myself about the whole situation with him and the more I thought, the more I realized that I needed to talk to him. Not necessarily to start a relationship but just to apologize, maybe.

It seemed like the least I could do at this point.

I was about ready to go home at around one or so. I had been ready to go home since I got here, but I figured now was an okay time to voice it. I spotted Terra across the crowd and was about to walk towards her when I felt someone spin me around.

"Nathan?" I asked, eyeing him quizzically. His eyes were bloodshot and he had a goofy smile on his face. "Nathan?" I repeated when he didn't answer me. "What are you doing?"

He shrugged, still smirking. "Long time no see."

I sighed noticeably and started to turn around. I didn't want to deal with a drunken Nathan and it became obvious to me the second I saw him that he was beyond wasted. He was scaring me a bit and I didn't like the feeling I was getting. I wanted to talk to him, wanted to at least apologize but I knew that now was not the time to do it.

For all I knew he wouldn't remember in the morning.

He turned me back around and moved his hands towards my waist. "Oh, what? You don't want me anymore?" He taunted. "Come on, _Haley_. I know how you like it…" he whispered huskily into my ear.

"You're drunk," I said, trying not to enjoy the feeling of his breath against my skin.

He laughed. "Lemme guess," he slurred. "Another reason why I'm such a failure right? Are you going to yell at me again? Blame all your problems on me?"

"Nathan, can we not do this now?" I pleaded.

He laughed again. "No, I'm sick of trying to please you Haley. I'm going to f ucking do what I want to do and I want to do this now! You're a coward and a phony and you want everyone to believe that you're little Ms. Perfect but the truth is, you're more f ucked up then the rest of us." I know he saw the pain flash in my eyes because he smirked wider. "I'm right, aren't I?" He scoffed. "You know I'm right!"

"Nathan…" I begged, glancing around the room to notice a couple of people were staring at us "…I know you hate me, I get it. But you're drunk and you need to get home before…"

"Oh, like you care…" he slurred.

I sighed. I couldn't respond so I ignored it. "Where are your keys, Nathan? I'm going to drive you home!"

"I can drive myself!" He said but I saw him start to stumble backwards and I rushed to his side trying to hold him up. He pushed me off. "I'm fine!" I rolled my eyes as he continued to lose his balance. He stumbled into me and I tried my best to support his weight but it was proving to be difficult. "Let go of me," he said, but his voice was unconvincing and he made no move to pull away.

Terra gave me a weird look when she noticed Nathan at my side but as she studied him, it was like it all suddenly made sense. She nodded when I shrugged and then looked back over at the guy she was conversing with. I figured she'd let Lucas know where I was sooner of later.

It was difficult to support his weight since I was so petite but I managed to drag him outside and onto the sidewalk. "Where's your car?" I asked, adjusting his arm around my shoulder and shifting my weight. "There's no way I'm carrying you all the way home."

He slurred something incoherently and I rolled my eyes, repeating the question once more.

"You're not going to make this easy, are you?" I questioned and when the words escaped my lips I realized they meant so much more than what I had been trying to say. "Okay, then…" I sighed. "Looks like we're walking…"

He shifted around and somehow managed to reach into his back pocket to pull out his keys. He handed them to me, his hand lingering on mine for more than it needed to. When I pressed the unlock button, I saw the lights flash from his BMW and I tried my best to get him over to the car and place him in the passenger's seat.

Most of the ride was silent.

I heard him groan beside me. I spotted a water bottle on the floor of the car. "Here, drink some water…" I told him, keeping my eye on the road but glancing over to him for a quick second. I didn't have much experience with drunks but I figured maybe getting some water into his system would do him some good. I balanced the steering wheel with one hand and grabbed the bottle with the other, handing it to him.

He took a sip and sighed, staring out in front of him. "I slept with someone else," he said and his voice was still a little slurred but it seemed to be wearing off a little bit. I inhaled and kept my eyes on the road, begging myself not to look at him. "It wasn't the same."

I blinked twice.

"Are you listening to me?" He asked.

"What do you want me to say?" I shot back. I was hurt, but did I have a right to be hurt?

"I don't know," he said honestly. "I just wanted to tell you." And then he closed his eyes.

"Okay," I said, pulling into his driveway and turning off the engine. I was sure Riley and Jesse were back at the party so I figured I wouldn't have any run ins with them. I made my way around to the other side of the car and helped him out. He was far from sober but he wasn't nearly as bad as when I had found him. As I reached the door, I realized I didn't have a ride home since I had taken his car but I figured I could walk if I really needed to.

Maybe Terra or Lucas would come pick me up.

I opened the door with his keys and helped him in, guiding him over to the couch. It was weird to be in this house again after not being in it for a week. And it was weird not being here for Riley, but being here for Nathan.

"What are you doing here?"

I turned around to find a genuinely surprised Riley with Jesse at her side. I smiled awkwardly and set Nathan down softly on the couch where he immediately fell asleep. "I was just helping Nathan out," I whispered, averting my eyes from both of them. "He was in no position to drive home and I figured it was the least I could do so I grabbed his keys and took his car."

When I looked up she nodded. "Thanks," she said.

"I thought you guys were at the party," I rambled. "If I had known you were here I would have…" but I didn't finish my sentence because I didn't know how to.

"We got bored," she said, looking over at Nathan's sleeping form. "If I would've known he was going to get so wasted I would've taken him with us."

I shrugged. "I should probably get going. It was nice seeing you," I choked out. "You too, Jesse."

He nodded in response and I made my way to the door. I was halfway down the path when I heard the door open behind me and footsteps. I turned around to face Riley who just stared at me nervously. "Um, hey…" she started "…do you have a ride home?"

I shrugged. "I'm okay with walking."

"You could stay over, if you wanted to…I mean…" she averted her eyes "…I just don't want you to walk home. It's late."

I studied her features for a minute and then nodded. "If that's okay…"

She smiled halfheartedly and then turned to walk back into the house. She stopped halfway. "This doesn't mean anything…" she started and it wasn't cold at all, she was just stating the fact "…it doesn't change anything."

I nodded. "I know. Thanks."

I followed her back into the house and she and Jesse walked upstairs, leaving me behind. I watched them go, a sad laugh escaping my lips and a cold tear dripping down my cheek. I walked over to the soft chair next to Nathan on the couch and lay down, covering myself with the blanket that lay on the head rest. "Goodnight," I whispered to Nathan's unmoving figure and then closed my eyes, not falling asleep until half an hour later.

When I woke up the next morning, it took me a second or two to figure out where I was. When I saw Nathan on the couch beside me it all came flooding back and I groaned involuntarily. The clock read nine and I hoped that Riley was still asleep because I didn't want another awkward meeting. Of course, I still didn't have a ride home but I figured I could walk it if I had to.

I walked as quietly as possible past Nathan and then made my way to the door, closing it gently behind me. I sat on the porch and pulled out my cell phone from my pocket, dialing Terra's number. It's funny how the person you depend on can switch in such a sort amount of time. I wish it was still Riley who I could depend on. But it has to go both ways and clearly it doesn't with Riley.

Not anymore, at least.

"Hello?" She sounded tired.

"Hey, it's Haley." I probably sounded the same.

"Haley," she yawned. "Hey. How did it go with Nathan last night?"

"It didn't," I scoff. "I just took him back to Riley's and I didn't have a ride so I just crashed on a chair in the living room." I rubbed at the leftover mascara under my eyes as I spoke. "Anyway, I was just wondering if you could come pick me up because I'm too tired to walk home."

"Sh!t, I can't. My mom took my car this morning because she had a flat."

I sighed. "That's no problem, I'll just call Lucas."

There was a long pause on the other end.

"What?" I asked.

She laughed nervously. "Lucas is here."

I burst out laughing. "Oh my god," I laughed. "You two work fast."

She laughed. "You're cool with that?"

"Of course. I never got with Lucas," I reminded her.

"That's not entirely true," I heard in the background and it didn't take me any time to realize that the voice belonged to Lucas.

"Don't remind me…" I shouted so that Lucas could hear me, unfortunately deafening poor Terra in the process probably.

"Whoa, what?" Terra laughed.

I sighed loudly. "Let's just say I hope for your sake that Lucas learned to kiss properly sometime after seventh grade."

"I didn't bite you!" Lucas yelled, taking the phone from Terra and I laughed.

"Okay, Lucas…" I said unconvincingly. "Now just tell Terra it's no problem and that I'll just walk, I could probably use the exercise anyway."

"Yeah, definitely."

"For your sake, Lucas, I'm going to pretend like I didn't hear that." I laughed and then hung up the phone.

As I began to push myself up with the palms of my hands I heard the door open behind me and I turned to find a very tired looking Nathan, rubbing at his eyes as he approached. "Hey," he said and I smiled weakly in response. "Did you need a ride?"

I bit my lip and shook my head. "I'm just going walk, thanks though."

"Haley…" he protested "…you're not honestly still mad at me, are you?"

"I was never mad," I sighed, getting up and beginning to walk.

He followed. "Well you can see how I would be confused."

I laughed lightly. "It was never you I was mad at, Nathan. It was…" I paused, looking down at the pavement and stopping to face him "…it was me, I was mad at." I laughed. "That probably sounds crazy but, I don't know…it was just easier to blame you."

"So then how come you won't let me take you home?" He asked.

I started to walk again. "Because I can't pretend that we're friends…"

"I don't understand," he said, still in the same spot that I had left him.

I couldn't tell him that I didn't understand myself because it seemed like a cop out answer at the time. So I tried my best to explain it as I turned back around so that he could see me. "You and I don't work, Nathan…because one of us is going to end up getting hurt and I can bet honestly that it's going to be me." He already knew this. "But I can't lie and say that I want to be your friend…I don't." I stared at him for a moment. "I can't."

He shook his head and looked away. "You _are _a coward," he said and then turned around and walked back into the house.

I walked home.

There was a note on the table which meant that my mom was gone again.

I sunk down to the floor, and cried.

_Beep._

"_Hey hunny, it's me. I'm just calling to make sure you got my note on the kitchen counter. I'll be back in a week or so and your father may be coming home as well. It's all up to the company; anyway…call me back on my cell phone if you need me. I don't know if I get any service but go ahead and try. I know the house must get lonely so why don't you stay over at Riley's while I'm gone. Love you. Bye."_

_Beep. This message has been erased._

"_Hales, it's Luke. Have you dropped off the planet? Where are you? It's Monday and you're not at school…you never miss school, Haley. And you're not picking up your cell phone. What's going on? I'm worried…call me."_

_Beep. This message has been erased._

"_Haley. It's Terra. Um, Lucas said he called earlier and I'm basically just going to be reiterating what he said so…I don't know, just call me, okay? We're worried."_

_Beep. This message has been erased._

"_Haley, it's Lucas again. I'm freaking out. You're not picking up any of your phones. I'm coming over after last period to check on you. I hope you're okay. Bye."_

_Beep. This message has been erased._

_muffled voices click._

_Beep. This message has been saved._

I didn't go to school on Monday. I didn't want to, didn't feel like it. I spent the entire weekend before in bed and watching television and I didn't want to disrupt the cycle. Lucas and Terra had kept calling but I didn't pick up. I didn't really want to talk to anyone. It felt stupid, crying over things that were so lame but I couldn't help it.

I felt so out of control.

Lucas came over, as promised. I tried to clean myself up but it was no use so I ended up just coming up with some lie about catching the flu or something. He didn't believe me, this I knew but he pretended to, knowing better than to push it with me.

When Terra came over, though, I had no such luck. "What happened?"

"Nothing," I mumbled into the pillow.

"Nathan or Riley?"

"Both," I mumbled again.

She sighed loudly. "Get out of bed, Haley. You can't fix anything if you're sitting around moping."

"It's unfixable," I said, sitting up and grabbing at a tissue from my nightstand. "Both of them hate me and I don't blame them."

"Neither hates you and you know it."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, what do you know?"

She laughed. "Trying to get me to hate you too?"

"Might as well."

She laughed again and pulled me in for a hug. "You'll be alright."

She left after that.

It had to have been sometime around ten at night when I felt the door to my room open. In a small town like Tree Hill, there is no use in locking your doors. No one does. That's why it was no surprise to me to hear footsteps and then feel the bed shift under me from someone else's weight.

I peered out from underneath the quilt. "Hey," I said, confused as hell.


	14. Dare You To Move

**Chapter Fourteen**

_Dare You to Move_

Riley and I have fought a lot throughout our friendship. We wouldn't be human if we didn't which is why I'm not ashamed to say it. We always fought over stupid things like boys or something totally not worth fighting over, but we would always make up.

I could usually count on that.

And it would always happen like this; she would creep up into my room since my parents were always away and just lay there for a second of silence. I always knew it was her without having to ask. It was just that sort of best friend vibe. I don't know why she would always come to me; it was never the other way around. I always thought it was because I was more stubborn, less willing to admit I was wrong. Anyway, she would always say it was her fault, I would insist it was mine and we would fight over that for about two minutes and then make up.

It was different this time.

Because that wasn't enough to fix what was going on between us. As I lay in bed before she came, I realized that this wasn't really about some boy. It would be easy to say that it was but in all truth, it was about us.

It was about our friendship, our deteriorating friendship.

When she crawled into bed beside me, she didn't speak for a moment or two and I didn't look over to see what she was doing. She stared into space while I did the same and I knew we were both thinking about the exact same thing.

_Were we going to be able to work things out?_

"You weren't in school today," she said, her voice staying steady.

"I wasn't up to it…" I replied honestly.

I could feel her nod. "Lucas was worried." She paused. "I was worried."

I shrugged. "I didn't know if you cared." I wasn't being malicious, or I wasn't _trying_ to be anyway. I just honestly wasn't sure that she cared at this point, it was hard to tell.

It was silent for a while after that. I was sure she didn't know how to respond.

But then finally she broke the silence, still refusing to look at me. "I called to check up on you, but then I realized that you probably didn't want to talk to me after how much of a bitch I've been being…" she let out a sigh "…I'm such a bitch," she whispered and I looked over. The light from the window was shining on her face and it became clear immediately that her eyes were red from crying. "I don't know how to fix this one."

"It was never about the boys," I said and she nodded.

I turned back over to stare at the ceiling as I waited for her to speak. "You know how cynical I am, Haley…" she started "…the glass is never half full, always half empty." She cleared her throat as it faded. "I sat in bed after you left that night we fought and I started freaking out. You had lied to me, and I had lied to you. It was like the one thing that I had depended on to be flawless, wasn't so flawless after all."

"You thought our friendship was flawless?" I scoffed.

She laughed sadly. "It's always been all or nothing with me, you know that. So when I realized it wasn't as perfect as I thought…I wanted to drop it all together."

"That's ridiculous, Riley…" I started, turning my head to face her, but she cut me off.

"I know…" she assured me "…I know that now." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "I just thought it would be easier that way. It doesn't even sound logical when I say it out loud but it was what I was feeling. Because it hurt more than anything, Haley…to know that something as stupid as a boy, or boys in this case, could come in between us; to know that you couldn't trust me with something we had always told each other we would share. You lied to me." She turned her head so that our eyes could meet. "And I lied about the same."

I furrowed my brow. "You mean…"

She nodded. "I slept with Jesse…" she paused "…a couple of months ago."

I turned back up to look at the ceiling. "That actually makes sense," I marveled. "You didn't want to be alone in it…" I laughed softly, cursing incoherently at myself for not understanding.

She nodded, but didn't answer. I figured she wanted to change the subject. "When you told me about Nathan, I felt like he meant more to you than I did. And I really, really, really hate being second best." She laughed. "It's selfish, I know that. But I wanted you all to myself. And after you told me, I started noticing the way he looks at you…the way you look at him. I just felt kind of," she sighed, "left out."

I shook my head and turned back so that she could see the truth in my eyes. "Nathan will never be more important to me than you, Riley. I promise. I don't even know if Nathan and I will ever be anything, you and I…we're best friends." I cracked a smile. "Nathan can't say that he knocked out some kid in the second grade because they tried to steal my gum."

She laughed but tears came out of her eyes and I saw her wipe them away after averting her eyes from me. "I'm so sorry, Haley. I don't want to lose you."

I smiled. "You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear you say that." I closed my eyes. "And just for the record, I'm sorry too. I don't want to have to lie to each other ever again."

She nodded. "So, you don't hate me for being totally unreasonable?"

I laughed. "You weren't being unreasonable…" I assured her "…it makes total and complete sense. I just wish you had explained it all to me sooner."

She stuck out her pinky. "Best friends?"

I latched on. "Without question."

There was a comfortable silence between us after that until I heard her stifle a sob. "You were right by the way," she said, her voice in a whisper. "About Jesse."

I looked over at her abruptly. "I didn't want to be."

She laughed lightly. "I really thought he was different, Haley. But they're all the same."

"Tell me about it," I scoffed. "And we both got our hearts broken by the biggest asses of them all."

She didn't respond for a second and I knew that she was thinking about what I didn't want to say out loud. "Nathan's not an ass…not really anyway."

I nodded. "I know," I whispered. "But it's so much easier to pretend that he is."

She stuck out her hand and I accepted graciously. "We're going to get through this, Haley. You know how I know?"

"How?" I asked, not looking at her, still off in my own little world.

"Because we have each other."

"Is this the part where you break into song?" I teased and she playfully slapped me which landed us both in giggle fits. It felt like old times, only I knew that it wasn't. Riley and I still had a long way to go, but at least now, we were on the same page.

Riley slept over and Lucas picked us up in the morning for school. He furrowed his brow as he watched us leave the house together but I gave him a sort of nod and he smiled, understanding. "Can we stop at my house really quickly?" Riley asked Lucas when she got in the back seat. "Just let me change."

Lucas nodded and put the car in reverse, backing out of my driveway. He opened his mouth to speak and I knew what he was going to ask so I gave him a warning look and he shut up immediately. I didn't want to talk about Riley and my so-called reconciliation because I didn't want to jinx it and right now, we had a long ways to go.

But we were okay.

When Riley skipped out of the car, Lucas turned to look at me and I simply shrugged. "She showed up last night and we talked some things through. We're okay." I smiled softly and then turned to look out the window. "We're okay."

"But are _you _okay?" He asked and I didn't bother to look at him.

"I don't know," I sighed, closing my eyes and leaning back against the headrest. "God, I should be! Shouldn't I? My best friend doesn't hate me anymore…this huge void in my life should be filled but…"

"…it's not," he finished for me.

I nodded. "I don't know what to do, Lucas. I don't know what to do."

He reached his hand over and ruffled my hair. "I think you do know what to do."

I looked over to him and frowned. "What?"

"You know what you want, Haley." He told me. "You want Nathan. So stop running from him just because you're afraid he'll hurt you. Grow up. Life's a bitch and people are going to disappoint you, but you move on. Like you and Riley did…"

I bit my lip and eyed him suspiciously. "Terra's rubbing off on you, isn't she?"

"Is it that obvious?" He laughed.

And I laughed with him until the door to the house swung open and out stepped the problem in my life. He didn't notice us at first while we stared at him. He was wearing loose fitted jeans and some kind of polo shirt that I had once ripped off of him in the heat of the moment. He looked like he did when I first met him, irritated, bored…careless.

And I wondered if I had imagined it all.

But then he looked over at us, first at me, then at Lucas, and then back at me. His whole persona changed. His eyes lit up and he looked lost in the way he did when we visited his mom and sister. I wanted to reach out to him, help him, but I couldn't move.

All I could do was stare.

Lucas started talking but I wasn't listening, I totally tuned him out as I stared on at Nathan and he stared back at me. After a minute or so, Riley opened the front door to her house and started walking towards us. She nodded at Nathan in acknowledgment and he nodded back, before taking one last look at me and disappearing into his car.

I watched him drive away.

"Sorry," Riley mumbled as she got into the car and sent me an apologetic look in the side view mirror. "He told me last night he was leaving earlier so I didn't think we would run into him."

I tried to force a smile. "Don't worry about it. Nathan and I are in the past."

It was silent but I chose to ignore it as I raised my eyebrows to make Lucas move the car. He shrugged and drove off, leaving me to stare out the window in silence. Nathan's words had been ringing in my head since he had said them. _"You are a coward."_ He was right. God was he right. I was a coward, and there was nothing I could do to change it. Because no matter how much I wanted to just forget all my fears and live in the moment, I couldn't.

I wasn't that strong.

The next time I saw Nathan was in our last period class. I had gotten there early to meet with my teacher since I had missed yesterday, but she wasn't there. Instead, there was Nathan…sitting in the last row. I looked around awkwardly, hoping that maybe he wouldn't look up and I could sneak out and come back but I had no such luck. "Hey," I said and then took the seat farthest away from him.

He didn't respond but I saw him watching me move to my seat out of the corner of my eye. My back was to him when he first spoke. "I don't know what I can do anymore," he told me, "so I give up."

I didn't turn around, just looked down at the desk and bit my lip to keep it from trembling.

"The ball is in your court, Haley. Because I'm done trying."

I closed my eyes and sighed. I didn't know how to respond; I couldn't respond so I just sat there like a fool and waited until the rest of my classmates stumbled into class, along with the teacher. Reed was the second person to walk in and when he noticed the distance between Nathan and I he shook his head and found a seat somewhere in between. Reed and I would probably never be friends but at this point, it didn't even matter to me. I was a bitch about the whole situation, yes, but I couldn't dwell on it. He would move on.

What was so great about me anyway?

I made my way out into the parking lot where Terra promised she'd meet me and take me home. When she saw me, she smiled. I had only briefly run into her during lunch, not enough time to inform her of the latest in my suddenly drama filled life. "So Riley and Jesse broke up…" she said and I nodded "…and I saw you two talking in the halls when I went to my locker. Does this mean everything has suddenly fallen into place?"

I sighed. "I wouldn't go so far as everything, but some things…yes."

She laughed. "Well who wants their life to be perfect anyway? That's too goddamn boring for my taste."

I shrugged. "I guess you're right. Hey, is it cool if Riley rides with us? She didn't have a ride so I told her you might be willing."

She nodded. "Of course." She bit her lip and I could tell she was trying to figure out if she wanted to say what she was thinking. She stopped walking suddenly and turned to face me. "So just like that, you and Riley are okay?"

"It doesn't make sense, does it?" I laughed. "But you know what; at this point…it doesn't even matter because I just wanted my friend back. We've been through so much, Terra. She knows me backwards and forwards and neither of us are going to give up just because things aren't back to normal immediately, you know?"

"You see Haley…I told you. You just needed to decide if she was worth it or not." She smiled. "And she was."

I pulled her into a hug. "Thank you."

She laughed, pulling away from me and looking me in the eye. "For what?"

"For putting up with my melodramatic venting."

She laughed again. "Well, you're worth it."

"Hey." Both of us turned around to find Riley a few feet away. Things sure had changed. And for that I was glad. Because even though I loved Riley, I needed to prove to myself that I could make it without her. I needed to have more than one person I could count on and for so many years; all I could depend on was Riley. Now I had Terra, Lucas more so than ever and though I didn't have Nathan anymore…I felt like I had learned a lot from him.

"Hey," I replied. "Terra said she would give you a ride."

Riley looked over at Terra and smiled shyly before looking back over to me. She looked like she felt out of place, so I swung my arm around both girls and we walked in perfect unison to Terra's car.

Terra dropped Riley and I off at my house. I could tell something was on Riley's mind and I was sure that it had something to do with Terra but when she spoke, I was surprised to hear the words that came out of her mouth. "You need to talk to him, Haley."

I turned back around from the refrigerator where I had been pulling out a bottle of water and stared at her blankly. "Who?" I asked, though I was pretty sure I knew damn well who she was talking about.

"Nathan. You need to talk to him."

"Riley, come on, there is nothing to talk about with him." I said, though even I didn't believe what I was saying. "He just complicates things…" I tried to explain "…it's easier this way. No one gets hurt." I said, taking a seat across from her at the kitchen counter.

"So that's what this is about…you don't want to get hurt?" She tried to understand. "Haley, I understand that getting hurt sucks…believe me, but even now, I wouldn't take back my relationship with Jesse. You grow from it and yea, it hurts like hell but you move on."

"Why go through the agony of it all, though?" I reasoned. "Why not just avoid it all together?"

"Because if you don't take risks, you'll miss out on all the great things in life." She said, looking me dead in the eye. "Maybe Nathan will hurt you, Haley. But you don't know that for sure…you won't know until you find out for yourself."

I averted my eyes. "I know." And I think I did know that all along.

I tried to sit there and study after Riley left, but I couldn't, so I turned on the television. Of course, I couldn't focus on that either so I ended up turning it off half an hour later and going back to studying. The truth was, I couldn't focus on anything no matter how hard I tried. I kept hearing Nathan telling me that I was a coward, and Riley telling me that I needed to take a risk.

I tapped my pencil on my notebook as I stared out into space.

_Something needs to be done._

My dad's Benz was in the garage, covered up so that it wouldn't collect dust. The keys fell out when I opened the visor. It was only to be used for emergencies but I felt that even though this wouldn't be considered an emergency in his eyes, it was for me.

We never saw eye to eye anyway.

When I pulled up to the house, there were only a couple of lights on and Mrs. Scott's car wasn't in the driveway so I assumed she was at whomever her boyfriend was this week's house. This meant there were only two people who would open the door. One being Riley and the other being Nathan. I know that Riley wanted me to talk to Nathan but I felt like it would be awkward if she was the one to open the door so I silently prayed it would be Nathan.

It was.

When he opened the door, I forgot what I was going to say which was probably a good thing since what I was going to say made absolutely no sense. He just stared at me blankly, probably trying to figure out what the hell I was doing there. "Are you looking for Riley? Because she just left a couple of minutes ago to pick up dinner."

I looked around awkwardly and then looked down at my hands, picking at one nail with another. "Actually I came to see you," I whispered before looking up to meet his eyes. "I was hoping we could talk."

"Is there anything left to say?" He asked tiredly. "You don't want to get hurt, you think I'm going to hurt you…end of story. I've heard it a million times…but I stand by what I said before, Haley. You're a coward."

"Will you just let me talk?" I protested. "I came to tell you that you're right…I'm tired of playing it safe. I'm tired of analyzing every little thing and looking before I leap." I sighed, averting my eyes. "I don't want to be a coward. I don't want to live my life knowing that I could've done something but I didn't because I was afraid." I looked up at him. "You and I may not work; who knows maybe tomorrow you'll dump me for some blonde but…"

"Do you really think that low of me, Haley?" He asked, which was not the reaction I was expecting. "One of the things I liked about you was that you seemed to expect more from me but here you are assuming that I'm going to cheat on you the second I get the chance."

"Nathan…"

"No, Haley. I don't think you get it. Do you remember who I was before all this? I slept with girls that I probably wouldn't even recognize on the street, girls whose names I never even bothered to catch. But then you came along, and you looked at me the way you did…and I dropped it all for you. I was willing to change." He closed his eyes briefly. "But it didn't seem to matter to you, because suddenly I wasn't worth it."

"Aren't you listening to me, Nathan?" I cried. "I'm telling you that you _are_ worth it, damn it! That's why I'm here, aren't I?"

"Then you need to give me some goddamn credit. I'm not going to hurt you, okay? Not on purpose. Don't go into this thinking you're going to get hurt because then you're going to have your guard up for God knows how long. You need to trust me."

I closed my eyes. "I want to, Nathan…I really do. I'm just…I don't know, it's hard. After everything we've been through…"

"So then why are you here?" He snapped. "If you can't trust me, we have nothing. Are you just here to prove to me that you're not a coward? Because if you're just here to prove me wrong, walk away right now." He said, shaking his head. "I don't want to be used like you did Reed."

"That's totally unfair!" I screamed. "Now you're just trying to make me mad, aren't you? Is that what you're doing? Pushing me away? Because you're damn good at it, Nathan!"

"I just don't want you to be here for the wrong reasons."

I closed my eyes and bit my lip, a nervous habit. "I'm here…" I took a deep breath and lowered my voice "…I'm here because I get this feeling when I'm around you." I opened my eyes to look at him. "I feel lost, confused…and scared as hell but at the same time, I feel like when you look at me, you _see _me." I let out a soft laugh. "Like, really see me. I've never met someone so complicated, Nathan. But through all your complications, I can't seem to stop myself from feeling the way I do." I stuck my hands in my pocket and looked down, sort of embarrassed at my revelation. "Riley and I are friends again," I told him. "And that was supposed to make everything in my life fall back into place…but I realized something was missing. I'm just…I'm scared."

"Haley, look at me," he said and when I looked up, he gave me a sort of half smile. "I'm scared too. Hell, I'm probably more scared than you are…" he stepped closer and placed my hands in his "…but you can't let fear run your life. You just can't."

I closed my eyes and let a tear drop. "I know."

I felt his thumb trace the tear along my skin and I opened my eyes. "I think I love you," he said.

I laughed. "I thought that no one loves anyone, not really anyway."

He knew I was mocking him.

"I think I'm out of my angry at the world faze," he smiled, sticking his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

I giggled, sucking on my bottom lip before looking up to meet his eyes for another intense stare. "How can you love me? We haven't even gone out on a date."

He took a step back and put out his finger to indicate that he needed a few seconds before walking backwards into the hallway. He soon returned with a daisy and stuck his hand out to offer it to me.

I eyed him suspiciously.

"What are you doing Saturday?" He asked.

I broke out into a goofy grin and averted my eyes as I figured my face was turning red. "I think I'm busy," I teased.

"You're right…you're going to be out on a date with me."

I rolled my eyes. "Sure of yourself?"

He laughed but it was different from the laugh I usually heard come from him. It was genuine and it was without a trace of any kind of sarcasm. It caused me to smile even more. The laughing stopped and he just continued to stare until he finally cleared his throat. "Would it be improper to kiss you before the first date even happens?"

"Is anything you do proper anyway?" I teased.

He smiled, took two steps forward and cupped my cheeks in his hands. The warmth of his hands on my cold cheeks startled me, but the second my eyes locked with his blue one's, nothing else mattered.

The only thing I wanted to do was touch my lips to his.

So that's what I did.

Maybe we wouldn't last forever; maybe he would dump me after our first date. At this point, it didn't really matter. All that mattered was that in the moment, I couldn't care less.

**The End**


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